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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dress shopping

186 replies

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:12

I’m getting married next year.

We have two kids together (DD12 and DS10). I also have a DSD16 who we have EOW.

When we first booked to get married DSD showed a lot of interest into what dress I might pick and I’m at the point of thinking I need to go out and actually do some wedding dress shopping soon.

I asked my DD would she like to come the other day and she said yes and asked if her nan would come (my mum) and I said yes.

I also said I might invite DSD but she doesn’t want me to invite her. I feel a bit stuck now! I haven’t officially invited dsd luckily but DD has said she thinks this is a special mother:daughter thing and she wants it to be just her and doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I understand her point completely as dsd has her own mum to do this with if she ever gets married but I feel a bit mean.

Is it mean or is it fine?

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle but I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebigday · 22/08/2023 20:26

juicelooseabootthishoose · 22/08/2023 20:22

I presume you plan to visit multiple shops? If so take DSD along to 1/2 and go to some without and just DD

I was hoping to go once to be honest. Find a dress and buy it as I have a friend who can alter it for me.

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 22/08/2023 20:29

I think it would be really hurtful for DSD to not be invited, she has expressed an interest so it will come across as a rejection to her. It may impact on your relationship with her going forwards.
Those saying her mum might get married and she can have that experience with her, well what if she doesn't?

WaltzingWaters · 22/08/2023 20:30

Invite dsd. It would be mean not too. Find something else to do just with your Dd.

Skinthin · 23/08/2023 18:36

Erm no, everyone is telling you to put manners and kindness over rudeness and unkindness

100% this. It’s not about “picking” one over the other. Stop pitting them against each other. It’s not about that, it’s about making all children in the family feel welcome and included in the family. I cannot understand how you fail to see that?!

Sandinmyknickers · 23/08/2023 18:55

Your DD is 12. Sorry to be blunt, but surely your job as her mother is not just to indulge her but validate her feelings on the matter and that you care about your special time together, but also teach her that the right thing to do is consider the feelings of dsd too and include her....or do 12 year olds already have everything all figured out and are already emotionally mature? Looking back in the future, I don't think she would be proud of her response (it's fine, she's 12) and definitely not of her mother pandering to it.

Original poster
Thebigday · 24/08/2023 08:15

Skinthin · 23/08/2023 18:36

Erm no, everyone is telling you to put manners and kindness over rudeness and unkindness

100% this. It’s not about “picking” one over the other. Stop pitting them against each other. It’s not about that, it’s about making all children in the family feel welcome and included in the family. I cannot understand how you fail to see that?!

No one is pitting them against each other but I think they are allowed to both request to do stuff without the other there sometimes.

The more I think about it DD has always had to share me and compromise her time with me EOW and dsd gets her mum to herself.

Everyone is saying what if dsd resents not being able to come but what if dd resents me for not having a special moment with her mum alone when she always has to share me.

Id rather my dsd resent me then my dd in the future.

Iv decided I’m only taking DD and my mum to the first fitting and if I go again then dsd can come the second time around.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 24/08/2023 08:23

I was invited to go wedding dress shopping with my stepdaughter, her mum and her mil to be. It was such an honour and I was so touched to be invited. Please don’t deprive your stepdaughter of that feeling, it’s priceless.

Aprilx · 24/08/2023 08:29

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 14:53

Where did I say DD didn’t think of her as family?

I said she feels like it’s a mother/daughter thing and she’s aware I’m not her mother…..

Show quote history

Shopping for a wedding dress is a mother daughter thing when the daughter is buying her dress not the mother! The other way around is really not a thing.

I don’t know how you can even think about excluding your DSD when she has been in your life for 15 years, since she was 1year old and has shown interest in dress shopping. Wow. Cruel.

Aprilx · 24/08/2023 08:33

sandyhappypeople · 22/08/2023 15:16

DD doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I really don't like the sound of that, unless there's some back story about them not getting on then your daughter sounds incredibly mean to try and purposely exclude DSD, if they were actually sisters I'm sure you'd tell her to stop being selfish, and wouldn't even entertain the though of excluding her.

I think if DSD has shown an interest it would be a lovely to include her and have a girls day out for everyone, you could get some nice lunch somewhere, and the girls may bond /keep each other company for the boring bits!

They are sisters!

Aprilx · 24/08/2023 08:44

Thebigday · 24/08/2023 08:15

No one is pitting them against each other but I think they are allowed to both request to do stuff without the other there sometimes.

The more I think about it DD has always had to share me and compromise her time with me EOW and dsd gets her mum to herself.

Everyone is saying what if dsd resents not being able to come but what if dd resents me for not having a special moment with her mum alone when she always has to share me.

Id rather my dsd resent me then my dd in the future.

Iv decided I’m only taking DD and my mum to the first fitting and if I go again then dsd can come the second time around.

Show quote history

If I were your partner I would be rethinking this wedding. You have shown your true colours. These two girls are sisters and you are excluding one of them. You are pitting them against each other.

You should not have gone into a relationship with a man with a child unless you were willing to accept that child. And I don’t mean that you need to love that child equally and I don’t mean that you need to include that child in your will. But I do mean you need to be kind to that child and not exclude her from special family events that she wishes to join.

sandyhappypeople · 24/08/2023 08:52

Aprilx · 24/08/2023 08:33

They are sisters!

Show quote history

I agree.. but OP obviously doesn’t see it that way, my argument was if they were blood relation sisters op wouldn’t even think twice about it so why should this be any different?

OP has now made up her mind to exclude DSD, even though she is only one who actively showed an interest in the first place.. it’s cruel if you ask me.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 24/08/2023 08:59

I would have thought the special moment re wedding dress shopping mother and daughter is when your daughter is wedding dress shopping for her wedding.

I'm not sure if my view is different as I was married young before I had my daughter.

Your wedding is about blending 2 families and your step daughter has shown an interest in dress shopping.
I'm assuming since your daughter is 12 that you have been in your step daughters life since she was 2/3 years old.

Iamclearlyamug · 24/08/2023 09:01

You really should take her - in fact I think it's rather mean of your DD that she wants to actively exclude her.

I'm taking my stepson on mine and OHs anniversary dinner on Saturday because my DD is at a sleepover and I don't want him to feel left out at home on his own 🤷‍♀️

Your DD can have her mum-and-daughter thing when SHE gets married.

However I agree with other posters that you've actually already decided to exclude DSD and just wanted justification for your (mean) decision

SwedeCarrotLimes · 24/08/2023 09:13

I think you should invite DSD, as you clearly wanted to invite her initially but have taken a U-turn based on DD response.

However, you clearly haven't embraced DSD the way a lot step parents do, perhaps as you only have her EOW so haven't built up as strong a bond? It's a shame really as you've known DSD have entire life practically and she didn't ask to have two mother figures in her life but that's what she was given.

Also in only having her EOW I'm sure your DD hasn't had to 'share you' as much as a PP implied. Even if she did, I thought we teach our kids that 'sharing' is good? I would try and encourage these virtues and not nurture feelings perhaps based on selfishness. Your DD has been lucky enough to grow up in a household with both her parents. DSD will definitely have had a more difficult upbringing having to split her time between two homes, and the feelings associated with that. I would ask DD to put herself in DSD shoes and ask how she would feel to be excluded, because atm her opinion is very much a 2D picture?

Perhaps a compromise would be to arrange some additional days out with just DD to show you value your relationship?

gogomoto · 24/08/2023 09:22

Definitely invite dsd. Your dd gets her special trip when she gets married. Anyway it's hopefully a good opportunity to have a girls day out

sandyhappypeople · 24/08/2023 09:23

Have I got the maths right on this one, you’ve been step mum to DSD for 15 years since she was one, and you have her every other week?

how on earth does your DD not see her as a sister, she’s been there your daughters whole life? Surely she doesn’t know any different?

in which case it’s not about brushing you DDs feelings aside, it’s about not pandering to this selfish attitude towards her sister, she basically wants to pick and choose when she can be an only child.. but she isn’t an only child, and you’re validating that by letting her dictate what happens.

if I was your husband to be I’d be disappointed in both of you.

gogomoto · 24/08/2023 09:23

What's slightly concerning that despite knowing her her whole life your dd considers her half sister not equal! I honestly think you need to address this fully

SwedeCarrotLimes · 24/08/2023 09:24

Thebigday · 24/08/2023 08:15

No one is pitting them against each other but I think they are allowed to both request to do stuff without the other there sometimes.

The more I think about it DD has always had to share me and compromise her time with me EOW and dsd gets her mum to herself.

Everyone is saying what if dsd resents not being able to come but what if dd resents me for not having a special moment with her mum alone when she always has to share me.

Id rather my dsd resent me then my dd in the future.

Iv decided I’m only taking DD and my mum to the first fitting and if I go again then dsd can come the second time around.

Show quote history

And if DD decides she doesn't want DSD to come the second time around, what will you do?

Also the whole sharing/compromising time with you is a pretty pathetic point imo. Your DD and DSD share the same father and whilst DD gets to see him 100% of the time, DSD only gets him 20% of the time and DSD will need to "share and compromise" that 20% of time with two other children, 1 of which clearly doesn't like her!

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/08/2023 09:33

I think you should invite her, if your daughter hadn't said anything it sounds like you would have. Plan something else that's just you and your daughter if that's what she needs.

Rogue1001MNer · 24/08/2023 09:34

Iv decided I’m only taking DD and my mum to the first fitting and if I go again then dsd can come the second time around.

So glad posting on mn was helpful 🙄🙄🙄

NB, the vote is 82% - 12% and @Thebigday is going to do as was called within the first few posts... ignore all advice.

TheGoodBanana · 24/08/2023 09:37

I think you and your DD are being absolutely disgraceful towards your DSD.

I see you have already made your mind up but my compromise would have been;

Take DD, mum & DSD, narrow it down to a handful of dresses.

Take DD on her own and make the final choice, so she gets the special moment of helping to decide and being the only one to know which dress you have choosen.

Original poster
Thebigday · 24/08/2023 09:47

sandyhappypeople · 24/08/2023 09:23

Have I got the maths right on this one, you’ve been step mum to DSD for 15 years since she was one, and you have her every other week?

how on earth does your DD not see her as a sister, she’s been there your daughters whole life? Surely she doesn’t know any different?

in which case it’s not about brushing you DDs feelings aside, it’s about not pandering to this selfish attitude towards her sister, she basically wants to pick and choose when she can be an only child.. but she isn’t an only child, and you’re validating that by letting her dictate what happens.

if I was your husband to be I’d be disappointed in both of you.

She does see her as a sister but as I said they are not super close. They have very different personalities so don’t gel really well together.. one is a introvert and the other a extrovert.

She’s also aware she has a different mum and doesn’t live here. She doesn’t get included on every outting etc as we have her Eow and her dsd mum is strict about that.

She also doesn’t get to pick and choose when she can be a only child as we also have a son who lives here full time so that doesn’t make sense.

My husband to be is not disappointed in me as much as you want him to be, he sees both sides and said it’s up to me. If he was that bothered she can go to his suit fitting with her brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebigday · 24/08/2023 09:50

Rogue1001MNer · 24/08/2023 09:34

Iv decided I’m only taking DD and my mum to the first fitting and if I go again then dsd can come the second time around.

So glad posting on mn was helpful 🙄🙄🙄

NB, the vote is 82% - 12% and @Thebigday is going to do as was called within the first few posts... ignore all advice.

I posted, I listened and just because the advice is mostly in favour of taking her doesn’t mean I have to follow that advice.

I was on the fence and after thinking it through I’m going to put my relationship with DD first.

If I go for a second day of dress shopping she can come then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebigday · 24/08/2023 09:52

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/08/2023 09:33

I think you should invite her, if your daughter hadn't said anything it sounds like you would have. Plan something else that's just you and your daughter if that's what she needs.

If I planned something else with my daughter special before the wedding then I’d get told I needed to include dsd on that too.

I was actually planning on doing a spa day with both girls and then a night in a cheap hotel doing facials and nails etc before the wedding as a treat for them but if I follow the advice on here I can just invite dsd to the dress fitting and not include her on the spa day. Can’t win.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 24/08/2023 09:59

I think - perhaps because you’ve never been wedding dress shopping - you’re not recognising just how significant it is. If my stepdaughter hadn’t invited me I’d have completely understood but I’d secretly have been a little bit sad - and I’m five times your stepdaughter’s age. It will feel like a big rejection to her. What a shame that you’re allowing this really happy, bonding opportunity to pass by and not modelling inclusivity to your daughter.