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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dress shopping

186 replies

Thebigday · 22/08/2023 13:12

I’m getting married next year.

We have two kids together (DD12 and DS10). I also have a DSD16 who we have EOW.

When we first booked to get married DSD showed a lot of interest into what dress I might pick and I’m at the point of thinking I need to go out and actually do some wedding dress shopping soon.

I asked my DD would she like to come the other day and she said yes and asked if her nan would come (my mum) and I said yes.

I also said I might invite DSD but she doesn’t want me to invite her. I feel a bit stuck now! I haven’t officially invited dsd luckily but DD has said she thinks this is a special mother:daughter thing and she wants it to be just her and doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I understand her point completely as dsd has her own mum to do this with if she ever gets married but I feel a bit mean.

Is it mean or is it fine?

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle but I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd.

OP posts:
OnTheRoll · 24/08/2023 20:27

I am wondering - DSD is a Year 11 age. Did she have a prom at school?
Did she ask the OP to take her prom dress shopping or did she ask her mum?
And if she didn't have a prom in the end of Year 11, how likely is it that DSD will ask OP to go with her for the end of Year 13, instead of her mum?
Or will the OP be advised by 82% of posters that DSD should really include both the OP and her own mum? After all, it's a special experience and the OP was in her life for 15 years so...
Somehow I am not sure that's going to happen. Or even cross anyone's mind.
And yet OP is being berated for doing exactly the same thing.

BaybeeTammy · 24/08/2023 20:46

Your daughter is immature and demanding.
So you've been in SD life since she was 1 and don't want to include her. That's disgusting. She should be treat the same as your own blood children. And her dad should agree.
How selfish.
This is surely a wind up post.

sandyhappypeople · 24/08/2023 20:47

TheWayoftheLeaf · 24/08/2023 13:33

They are actually sisters. They share a father

Show quote history

I agree that they are sisters, OP clearly doesn't.

What I meant was, if they were just two sisters, born to the same parents, one wouldn't be given a CHOICE to exclude the other, and their mother wouldn't entertain the idea.. I don't think DD should be allowed to choose to exclude DSD as they are sisters, and I don't think OP should be entertaining it, but for some mad reason, she's putting her DD feelings of having to share an experience (the horror!!), over her DSD feelings of being excluded from it altogether.. there's no explaining that to OP though, some people just can't put themselves in others shoes to see how things would make them feel.. I assume OP is one of those people.

Original poster
Thebigday · 25/08/2023 06:58

OnTheRoll · 24/08/2023 20:27

I am wondering - DSD is a Year 11 age. Did she have a prom at school?
Did she ask the OP to take her prom dress shopping or did she ask her mum?
And if she didn't have a prom in the end of Year 11, how likely is it that DSD will ask OP to go with her for the end of Year 13, instead of her mum?
Or will the OP be advised by 82% of posters that DSD should really include both the OP and her own mum? After all, it's a special experience and the OP was in her life for 15 years so...
Somehow I am not sure that's going to happen. Or even cross anyone's mind.
And yet OP is being berated for doing exactly the same thing.

Yes she had a prom and I didn’t get given on option to look at her dress. In fact it had to be a secret from us all til the day.

Probably because I’m an adult I should suck it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebigday · 25/08/2023 06:59

nameXname · 24/08/2023 20:08

OP and OP's daughter and anyone else who might be listening - it's not 'traditional' to go wedding dress shopping with anyone. It's a marketing gimmick, part of the vastly overblown and over-hyped wedding industry.

In the past, brides might consult their mothers or their sisters or just perhaps very close friends about their choice of dress. Most certainly not their children or stepchildren.

It's a bit sad, OP, that your biological daughter feels that she has superior 'rights' over your time/attention over her stepsister. Is she perhaps feeling threatened by the forthcoming marriage? Does she need help with that?

One of the most maternal people I knew was someone who had several biological children and many foster childen, and also several 'lame ducks' (mostly her children's friends) who seemed to gravitate towards her. She was loving to them ALL, and treated them all with the same degree of respect and consideration. But she stood no nonsense and showed no favouritism - and as a result her children were some of the most liked and most popular among their peers. Her inclusivity taught them a very valuable life-lesson.

I wrote in a post that I wasn’t traditional ….

OP posts:
Niftyswiftie · 25/08/2023 07:12

Your dsd was actually part of this fanily before your dd, you're coming across as nasty if this is really real.

You said earlier that her brother will be going to your future DH suit fitting and your DD will be going to your wedding dress shopping so that means your DSD will be the only child not involved with something. You're awful and I truly hope this is a wind up post.

Turnthelightoff · 25/08/2023 07:24

Your DD needs reminding that the term ‘mother daughter special occasion’ is usually reserved for daughters shopping for their dress with their mother as their helper/advisor and that you’re absolutely committed to doing this when the time comes. This is your wedding so you’d be looking for your own mum to join you if the ‘rules’ were being followed but you are also happy to have DD and DSD.

OnTheRoll · 25/08/2023 08:06

Niftyswiftie · 25/08/2023 07:12

Your dsd was actually part of this fanily before your dd, you're coming across as nasty if this is really real.

You said earlier that her brother will be going to your future DH suit fitting and your DD will be going to your wedding dress shopping so that means your DSD will be the only child not involved with something. You're awful and I truly hope this is a wind up post.

DSD can be a part of the wedding preparation by joining her brother to help her actual father? If we are talking about "blending two families" then surely she is from the groom's side of the family. And DD is from the bride's side of the family.

For God's sake. This is the OP's wedding, she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want to do. And if DD is old enough to be mature and not get what she wants (an experience with her mum) then the DSD is even more old enough to understand the concept of "mum and daughter" whiff she is not part of.

The girls are not close, it is OK for DD not to want her there.

Would the DSD include her sister (DD) in her own special experiences with her own mum? Then why should DD?

BIossomtoes · 25/08/2023 08:14

If we are talking about "blending two families" then surely she is from the groom's side of the family.

That isn’t what a blended family means. A blended family is a new family with components from two previous families. There are no sides, that’s the whole point.

Original poster
Thebigday · 25/08/2023 08:21

Niftyswiftie · 25/08/2023 07:12

Your dsd was actually part of this fanily before your dd, you're coming across as nasty if this is really real.

You said earlier that her brother will be going to your future DH suit fitting and your DD will be going to your wedding dress shopping so that means your DSD will be the only child not involved with something. You're awful and I truly hope this is a wind up post.

Well he has to go as he’s also having a suit fitted…

DSD is also welcome to go to his suit fitting.

OP posts:
OnTheRoll · 25/08/2023 08:24

BIossomtoes · 25/08/2023 08:14

If we are talking about "blending two families" then surely she is from the groom's side of the family.

That isn’t what a blended family means. A blended family is a new family with components from two previous families. There are no sides, that’s the whole point.

The OP wasn't invited to be part of the prom dress shopping. That's a very much mother and daughter experience. And it was probably her mum who helped her choose the dress.

Not much of a blended family becoming one family then?

LaForza101 · 25/08/2023 08:28

Just seen that they are half sisters. My mum was the stepmother in this situation and if she had done something like this I would be disgusted with her as an adult now. Luckily, my mum would never have treated my sister like that, a child she knew since the age of 4.

I genuinely think you have an empathy problem. Or this is a troll thread, in which case I hold my handsup and say 'you got us!'

Formerpupil · 25/08/2023 08:37

Has your daughter built this up into something it isn’t? You’re saying you’re not traditional, have two kids etc. - are you doing the big white dress and veil from a wedding boutique thing or are you high street shopping? Might need to manage her expectations a bit

clpsmum · 25/08/2023 08:44

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/08/2023 13:15

I think your DD can have her special mum and daughter thing when she’s shopping for her dress. Invite DSD.

This.

clpsmum · 25/08/2023 08:45

If she has been in your life since she was one why would you not invite her??

Millicent2023 · 25/08/2023 10:00

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/08/2023 14:22

The thing is OP, as much as you’re seeing this as an opportunity to bond your relationship with your DD, I think it’s reasonably unlikely that in fifteen years time, your DD will say “my relationship with my mum never recovered because she wanted my step-sister whose life she’d been in since a baby to be included in her wedding dress shopping when she and our dad got married” (and honestly, if I heard one of my own friends say such a thing, I’d definitely ask them if they knew how much of a tit they sounded.) Whereas I think it’s reasonably probable that in fifteen years time your DSD might say “my relationship with my step mum who was in my life since I was a baby never recovered because when she and my dad got married when I was 16 I remember being really interested in her dress, and asking if I could come dress shopping, but then she deliberately avoided inviting me because she wanted it to be only for her real daughter.”

Your DD will, if you’ve raised her right, look back as an adult and recognise that you were doing a great job of modelling inclusiveness and what a good marriage is really all about - family. Whereas exclude DSD and they’ll both look back on a far less desirable memory of the wedding and your family.

This

crosstheriver · 25/08/2023 10:16

From reading your posts...

DD doesn't want DSD there.

Neither girl talks to the other, so if it was the other way around, DSD might not want DD there either.

You've been in DSD's life forever, but you still don't treat her as 'your' daughter. Presumably, that means she has a very involved mum, so you haven't needed to take on a full parenting role. Still, you are a significant person in her life, and it's important to ensure she is OK about this wedding. The fact that she has expressed an interest in some of the planning is positive - it means she's open to the idea of you marrying her father.

Does DSD actually want to go dress shopping with you, or has she asked just to wind up her stepsister? If don't get on, being antagonistic is possible. Siblings - full-blood or not - can be secretly awful to each other sometimes.

If DSD does genuinely want to go, I'd invite her. If you truly don't think DD and DSD can get on in public - i.e. if you think they would have a fight in the dress shop and ruin the experience - I think the answer is to take both of them, separately.

So, one outing with DD on a weekend when DSD isn't there. Deliberately, but not deliberately. Then another outing on a weekend when DSD is. Even if you know what dress you want by then, take DSD and make a fuss of trying on different dresses. Let her have that experience, but you can prioritise your DD by letting her have it first.

IhateHPSDeaneCnt · 25/08/2023 11:57

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Original poster
Thebigday · 25/08/2023 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I need to get a grip?

Have you seen what you just wrote? 😂😂😂 What a Twat.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 25/08/2023 13:17

Gosh op, you aren't coming across well here.

I think you are likley to cause big upset with your DSD I something really quite unnecessary.

Can't it be a bonding thing for you all?

Skinthin · 25/08/2023 15:49

Thebigday · 25/08/2023 08:21

Well he has to go as he’s also having a suit fitted…

DSD is also welcome to go to his suit fitting.

Edited
Show quote history

Literally the most immature thing I think I have ever read on here.

Skinthin · 25/08/2023 15:53

Thebigday · 25/08/2023 06:59

I wrote in a post that I wasn’t traditional ….

Show quote history

Whether you are traditional or not has nothing to do with anything. The point is that your DD is inventing a pretend tradition in order to exclude her half sister from something she has already expressed an Interest in being a part of.
The whole point of a wedding is to create a new family. If you don’t want to do that, I really don’t understand why you are getting married at all.

Optionyougot · 25/08/2023 16:07

It just sounds like poor parenting under the guise of "putting DD first". Long term, allowing her to exclude her half sister from something she's interested in and would enjoy is not putting her first and sends a poor message to both.

There are several ways this could have been addressed, but it sounds as though you were never interested in considering anything other than what your DD requested. Have to just strongly disagree that this was the right decision.

Original poster
Thebigday · 25/08/2023 18:33

Skinthin · 25/08/2023 15:53

Whether you are traditional or not has nothing to do with anything. The point is that your DD is inventing a pretend tradition in order to exclude her half sister from something she has already expressed an Interest in being a part of.
The whole point of a wedding is to create a new family. If you don’t want to do that, I really don’t understand why you are getting married at all.

Show quote history

I was replying back to a poster talking about tradition of wedding dress shopping.

My dd isn’t trying to invent a new tradition and I haven’t said she’s said that, she just wants it to be a mother/daughter thing and Iv decided I’m fine with that.

I expressed interest in dsd prom dress and I never got an invite. Her mum went. She could of invited me and dd but she never. I forgot about that until a poster mentioned but it’s made me believe Iv made the right choice.

I’m not creating a new family, I already have my family. Absolutely nothing will change after I get married except my last name.

OP posts:
iamwhatiam23 · 25/08/2023 19:13

expressed interest in dsd prom dress and I never got an invite. Her mum went. She could of invited me and dd but she never. I forgot about that until a poster mentioned but it’s made me believe Iv made the right choice.

Are you for real? You are an adult and she is a child!! Although its very obvious where your DD gets her nasty streak from 🙄