Wedding dress shopping

[Thebigday]

I’m getting married next year.

We have two kids together (DD12 and DS10). I also have a DSD16 who we have EOW.

When we first booked to get married DSD showed a lot of interest into what dress I might pick and I’m at the point of thinking I need to go out and actually do some wedding dress shopping soon.

I asked my DD would she like to come the other day and she said yes and asked if her nan would come (my mum) and I said yes.

I also said I might invite DSD but she doesn’t want me to invite her. I feel a bit stuck now! I haven’t officially invited dsd luckily but DD has said she thinks this is a special mother:daughter thing and she wants it to be just her and doesn’t want to share the experience with dsd.

I understand her point completely as dsd has her own mum to do this with if she ever gets married but I feel a bit mean.

Is it mean or is it fine?

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle but I need to prioritise my daughter over dsd.

Have you shown him this thread then @Thebigday ?
You are not coming across well in it

I just don't get the whole fuss. You've got kids, have been together 15 years and waffling on about a 'special' wedding dress experience?! Just get a civil marriage and spend the stupid amount of money on a dress you would use once on a party! I've used the my wedding outfit when appropriate - obviously not gliding in wearing a Meringue, veil clamped on my head with a tiara and clutching withered Bouquet!

p.s just noticed DSD is 16 and you've been together with DH for 15 years? Obviously, don't know back story but you must have been involved in her life from get go?

Your daughter sounds horrid, and, by your posts, you sound exactly the same. As a SM I would NEVER exclude my DSD from this scenario. It's a really shit thing to do.

That’s lovely for you.

The way OP has been so quick to dismiss DSD feelings and any hurt it might cause her, I'm convinced OP never really wanted DSD to come dress shopping.

I suspect husband to be suggested taken DSD along as a good idea, and OP has mentioned it to DD. DD has then validated OP original feelings in not wanting DSD to come with them.

This whole thread is peppered with OP replies trying to gain sympathy for DD in sacrificing mother/daughter time when, I'll say it again, DSD gets a fraction of quality time with her father compared to her half sister.

OP previously mentioned one was in extrovert and one was in introvert. Doesn't take a genius to work out DD is the extrovert who is used to getting her own way, whilst DSD is most likely the introvert who has made to feel she's on the fringes of this family unit.

It’s not my fault or dd fault dsd only gets limited time with her dad. I won’t be taking on any guilt around the failure of their relationship and dsd having to split her time.

The relevance of dsd getting quality time with her dad compared to dd doesn’t even make sense. We are not talking about her dad in this instance. We are talking about myself, someone that’s not related to her and who doesn’t have to split any of my time between the two if I didn’t want too.

Husband to be never suggested taking dsd either.

Your attitude comes across as very childish. We're not related. I don't have to split my time with her if I don't want to.

FFS you've featured in her life since she was a baby, and quite a significant role as the partner to her father. It sounds like you harbour resentment towards DSD that he had another family before you?

Tbf it's probably best you show your true colours to DSD now so she knows how you really feel.

Tbh I'd explain it's not a mother daughter thing as traditionally brides don't have daughters. I think your child is being exclusionary and cruel.

Especially if you've known DSD since she was a baby!

They are actually sisters. They share a father

I feel sorry for your dsd. You obviously don't like her.

They are actually half sisters. They don’t share a mother.

The thing is OP, as much as you’re seeing this as an opportunity to bond your relationship with your DD, I think it’s reasonably unlikely that in fifteen years time, your DD will say “my relationship with my mum never recovered because she wanted my step-sister whose life she’d been in since a baby to be included in her wedding dress shopping when she and our dad got married” (and honestly, if I heard one of my own friends say such a thing, I’d definitely ask them if they knew how much of a tit they sounded.) Whereas I think it’s reasonably probable that in fifteen years time your DSD might say “my relationship with my step mum who was in my life since I was a baby never recovered because when she and my dad got married when I was 16 I remember being really interested in her dress, and asking if I could come dress shopping, but then she deliberately avoided inviting me because she wanted it to be only for her real daughter.”

Your DD will, if you’ve raised her right, look back as an adult and recognise that you were doing a great job of modelling inclusiveness and what a good marriage is really all about - family. Whereas exclude DSD and they’ll both look back on a far less desirable memory of the wedding and your family.

The role of a parent is to show them love and teach them how to grow up to be a good person, not knowingly hurt someone else because your daughter wants you to. You're doing your DD a disservice in not teaching her to value kindness and inclusivity. If your daughter grows into a compassionate adult, she's going to look back and be embarrassed at her childish cruelty and likely judge you for allowing the family relationships to be damaged.

So @Thebigday have you shown him this thread? You've had a few hours to do so

Didn’t realise I lived to your time scales or had to do what you said.

I'm just curious, so have you or do you intend to ?
Are you worried about his reaction to your remarks about his daughter ?

What remarks have I made that you think he would be unhappy about exactly?

Because I haven’t said anything nasty about dsd.

No you’ve just dismissed her as part of your family
but you carry on , you’re happy and that’s all that matters in your life by the sound of it
poor kid

The more I think about it DD has always had to share me and compromise her time with me EOW and dsd gets her mum to herself

oh. My. God.

You sound exceptionally childish OP. How selfish of you to partner and reproduce with a man who already had a child, if this is how you were going to behave.

OP and OP's daughter and anyone else who might be listening - it's not 'traditional' to go wedding dress shopping with anyone. It's a marketing gimmick, part of the vastly overblown and over-hyped wedding industry.

In the past, brides might consult their mothers or their sisters or just perhaps very close friends about their choice of dress. Most certainly not their children or stepchildren.

It's a bit sad, OP, that your biological daughter feels that she has superior 'rights' over your time/attention over her stepsister. Is she perhaps feeling threatened by the forthcoming marriage? Does she need help with that?

One of the most maternal people I knew was someone who had several biological children and many foster childen, and also several 'lame ducks' (mostly her children's friends) who seemed to gravitate towards her. She was loving to them ALL, and treated them all with the same degree of respect and consideration. But she stood no nonsense and showed no favouritism - and as a result her children were some of the most liked and most popular among their peers. Her inclusivity taught them a very valuable life-lesson.

One of my friends was denied entrance to a very posh wedding dress shop in 1985 because her mother wasn’t with her. It seems to have been traditional for quite some time.

It depends on our ages, of course, but I really don't think 1985 counts as traditional. The big change in manners and customs came in the 1960s - or, if yoy prefer - after the end of WW2 in 1945.