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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
frozencarlotta · 21/08/2023 15:52

how much notice do you need? its 2 months away, not next week

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 15:54

You must know the Mumsnet mantra "an invitation is not a summons," OP?

Send a gift and a nice card, wish them well and stay home. The 24 weeks pregnant shouldn't be an issue unless you have problem pregnancies, but 700 miles round trip for a party? hell no.

Pootles34 · 21/08/2023 15:55

I think 2 months is a fair bit of notice, and it's not like you're 40 weeks. It's obviously up to you, but I'd be pretty annoyed if my brother didn't come to my wedding party. Could you just send him if you really don't feel up to it?

Crunchymum · 21/08/2023 15:55

You can still make it worthwhile? Your husbands birthday and your anniversary is the week after, there is no date clash?

Make a weekend of it?

flipent · 21/08/2023 15:56

If you don't want to go, then don't - but the list of reasons looks petty and an attempt to justify it.

YouHoooo · 21/08/2023 15:56

You’re being a bit precious.

Unless you want to drop feed that you have serious complications, you will be fine to do this at 24 weeks pregnant.

And having plans the week after is almost laughable silly as excuses go.

If you don’t like your SIL and don’t want to celebrate her wedding, just say so.

ZekeZeke · 21/08/2023 15:57

You've had plenty of notice. Book a hotel overnight if the journey is too long.
You are pregnant, this doesn't stop you living a normal life (unless you have had a health scare)

EvilElsa · 21/08/2023 15:58

I'd go personally. I wouldn't say two months is short notice, birthdays and anniversary a week AFTER -why would that matter? 24 weeks with a normal pregnancy is fine to travel around. It's fine to say you just don't want to go, but those reasons are nothing really. If they travelled to yours I'd make the effort too. Can your DH just go at least?

GreenMonstersParty · 21/08/2023 15:58

Yabu. Make the effort to go - you're pregnant not ill. And I say that as someone who had hg with my last DC.

vibecheck · 21/08/2023 15:59

I think this is a pretty poor show and is likely to have a lasting impact on your relationship with your husbands family. I guess only you and your husband can decide if that matters to you.

Gymmum82 · 21/08/2023 15:59

I think it’s pretty unreasonable not to go tbh. But if you don’t want to then don’t. Your husband should go on his own however it is his sister.
All your excuses are just that and none of them are reasonable

Inertia · 21/08/2023 15:59

Are the pre-existing plans already booked for the same weekend, or the week after?

If possible, I think I’d go and make a family weekend of it. One of my siblings married abroad and I couldn’t get time off work to go, but we did do a 400 mile round trip to attend the party near their home.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 15:59

It's a party to celebrate a big event. I would go if you can.

Being 24 weeks pregnant shouldn't be a barrier to attendance, unless you are having a hard time of it. In which case tell them that, no one wants a vomming lady next to them.

If you really don't want to go, the pregnancy will be a good get out excuse.

If this is your 1st baby, you won't be going to that many parties for a while so maybe go out while you can

DoraTheScottishExplorer · 21/08/2023 15:59

In fairness to the op 20th October is a Friday so at the very least they're going to have to take the Friday off work, so I can see why they're saying they needed more notice, if all their holidays are allocated or can't take time off because someone else already has that date.

escapingthecity · 21/08/2023 15:59

If you don't feel up to the journey can DH go without you?

Callmemummynotmaaa · 21/08/2023 16:00

OP I’m confused. This is your sister in laws UK wedding celebration. You’ve had at least two if not three to four months notice. And it’s a distance you could likely drive to attend.

I’d be furious if you were my partner and said I couldn’t go/we weren’t prioritizing it as a couple. Celebrate your anniversary closer to them? Add a night in a hotel somewhere? 24 weeks pregnant not a factor unless there is a major drip feed re complications/bed rest.

Do you not get along with SIL? Would you have been ok with it if they had missed your wedding?

littleboymama · 21/08/2023 16:01

I’d go if it was me. I had a relatively straight forward pregnancy though and I understand not everyone’s is easy and of course you’re more tired, but at 24 weeks I could have definitely done that trip… 34/35 weeks plus, maybe not.

The dates don’t clash with your anniversary or husbands birthday.

Could you book a hotel for the evening? Or make a couple of days trip out of it?

Obviously, we don’t know how close your DH is to his half sister but I can’t imagine not wanting to make the effort to be there for my SIL if it was her wedding party.

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/08/2023 16:02

2 months is hardly last minute! Go, don't go, whatever....but your particular reasons aren't all that compelling.

sunshineandshowers40 · 21/08/2023 16:02

Sometimes you have to attends things u would rather not, especially for family. Your excuses are a little flimsy and read like you just don't want to go. Could your husband attend by himself?

bert3400 · 21/08/2023 16:04

Your excuses don't amount to much tbh, being 24 weeks pregnant isn't a valid excuse, my god I drove to the south of France at 35 weeks and camped 😂. 2 months is plenty of notice. If you don't want to go then don't ...what does your DH want to do, it's his sister after all

saraclara · 21/08/2023 16:05

October isn't the last minute. And of course you should go. Their ceremony might have been an element, but this is their big thing. This is their celebration, and where their friends and family celebrate with them. They came to your wedding event, you go to theirs, even if theirs doesn't include the vows.

Not going to a sibling's wedding sends a huge message to them, and there will be repercussions. You're about to have a child. Presumably you'll be okay with them not traveling all that distance to see their new family member?

You're just looking for excuses. Yes it's a long way, but it was for them when they traveled in the other direction.

Utereusbegone · 21/08/2023 16:07

None of those are particularly good reasons not to go

Distance - do you not expect them to come and celebrate with you for big occasions? Will you not be expecting his family to travel to see the baby?

Pregnant - it's not like you are in the late stages, so this just seems a bit precious

Birthday/wedding anniversary - are the following week so completely irrelevant

Yes, you are being really unreasonable, two months is plenty of notice and the ridiculous excuses are just insulting.

If you don't want to go to a family wedding, just own it (and understand when his family can't be arsed making the effort to your 'big deal' events in future)

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:07

Thanks everyone so far.

Bottom line - I just think its a an awful long way to go just for a party. The whole reason she is eloping is because she just wanted it to be them two. She wasn't bothered about having a party and it sounds like she is only doing it cause her Mum sad she might regret not having one.

Agreed 24 weeks is ok to travel pregnancy wise, we are actually travelling to Bath for his birthday/anniversary but we are flying, not driving. Unfortunately we don't have the leave left to stay that way and tag it on. Had we known about it earlier we could have considered this.

Husband is not that close to his half sister and his reasons for not attending are just as strong. His Mum suggested he get the train down on his own but he doesn't want to do this either.

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 21/08/2023 16:09

If they're not that close and you have a holiday booked, that seems reasonable. The excuses around pregnancy and it being last minute are a bit lame. It's not just a party, it's her wedding.

littleboymama · 21/08/2023 16:10

@Strawberry06 At the end of the day if your DH and half sister aren’t close and DH doesn’t really want to go, then don’t go.