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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Velvian · 21/08/2023 16:29

Think of ut as their wedding and not 'a party' if that makes a difference to you. The ceremony is such a small part of the day.

Stay overnight on the way there, overnight on the day and then travel back the next day.

It is pretty poor not to go to a big family event like that without good reason.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 16:33

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:24

No we can't. To make it work and tag it onto our already booked break would mean taking an extra 5 days leave, which we just don't have at this stage in the year. Our holiday year runs Jan-Dec and is already allocated. That's what I meant when I said she has left it late. Otherwise it means going South, coming back, then driving down on the Friday (the day of the party) then driving back on the Saturday, it is tiring!

Show quote history

I get it but I would still do it for 3 reasons:

  1. It's your SIL's wedding
  2. This is probably the last time you can do this kind travelling until your DC is a lot older
  3. I don't think either of you are quite getting the collateral damage of your non-attendance will bring with DH's family

I have 2DC, youngest is 8 and it's probably only been in the last 6 months or so we've been able to do multiple big journeys like that.

When your DC is born, DH's family will have to come to you.

Fartooold · 21/08/2023 16:35

That's fine.

Just don't ever complain about a lack of relationship with in laws.

I think you're so, so wrong. But you go for it. Just don't come whinging in two years time that none of your in laws take any interest in your precious first born.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 16:35

I would go to the wedding, stay the night, return home for the week, then enjoy your anniversary weekend away

Ponderingwindow · 21/08/2023 16:35

Your husband needs to be there at the very least.

it’s not a party, it is a wedding reception. You have two months notice. The distance isn’t that far.

if there is a train option, your husband could take the train, possibly stay with family to keep costs down, and come back the next morning. Not wanting to do that pregnant is understandable.

icallshade · 21/08/2023 16:36

Unless you've got problems in pregnancy, you'll be fine at 24 weeks. I wasn't even showing at this stage and most women feel at their best during the second trimester (problems aside of course).
With regards to notice, it's 2 months away OP... hardly a few days notice. Granted its a long way to travel but it's a one off so if you wanted to go you'd suck up the distance.

It sounds like you both don't want to go and are trying to come up with excuses. If you don't want to go, you're more than entitled not to- but just own and say you don't want to go. I've politely declined events that I haven't wanted attend many times. You do need to accept that people won't be happy though, but as the saying goes, you can't please everyone.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:36

Velvian · 21/08/2023 16:29

Think of ut as their wedding and not 'a party' if that makes a difference to you. The ceremony is such a small part of the day.

Stay overnight on the way there, overnight on the day and then travel back the next day.

It is pretty poor not to go to a big family event like that without good reason.

We don't have the leave for all these overnight stays.

I don't think it's unreasonable when you live so far away. We missed his brothers 40th party because it's too far to come and there was no ill feeling. We accept that we will miss out on many occasions due to distance

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 16:37

@Strawberry06

i get you not wanting to go cos you’re pregnant and thus can’t drink and parties are pretty rubbish if you can’t drink. But I absolutely think your husband should go.

pinkyredrose · 21/08/2023 16:38

They travelled for your wedding. I think you should go, it'll be a real snub if you don't. You sound like you're looking for reasons not to go.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:38

icallshade · 21/08/2023 16:36

Unless you've got problems in pregnancy, you'll be fine at 24 weeks. I wasn't even showing at this stage and most women feel at their best during the second trimester (problems aside of course).
With regards to notice, it's 2 months away OP... hardly a few days notice. Granted its a long way to travel but it's a one off so if you wanted to go you'd suck up the distance.

It sounds like you both don't want to go and are trying to come up with excuses. If you don't want to go, you're more than entitled not to- but just own and say you don't want to go. I've politely declined events that I haven't wanted attend many times. You do need to accept that people won't be happy though, but as the saying goes, you can't please everyone.

We did politely decline but then got asked why so we told them our reasons

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/08/2023 16:39

Off topic but how are they 'eloping' if everyone knows in advance?

Aavalon57 · 21/08/2023 16:39

When you say it's a party, what is it exactly? The back room of a pub with sausage rolls?

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 16:41

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:38

We did politely decline but then got asked why so we told them our reasons

Show quote history

@Strawberry06

What did you actually say as your 'reasons'?
And in what order?

This is probably the crux of why they are annoyed / pissed off / hostile

HowAmYa · 21/08/2023 16:41

I had vile sickness during all 9 months of pregnancy. I didnt keep a thing down throughout. Even I made the slog to attend a bday parts 200 miles away when about 20 odd weeks pregnant. It was my exh's family too. He drove. We had lots of pit stops. I had many trashy magazine to keep me company for the ride.

I'd consider making a weekend of it. Do a hotel stay too.

Trust me, its not as big an issue as you're making out. Unless you're hospitalised, you'll be fine travelling!

saraclara · 21/08/2023 16:41

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:38

We did politely decline but then got asked why so we told them our reasons

Show quote history

If you gave the the reasons in your OP, I can see why they'd be put out. You should simply have said that all your leave is booked and left it at that. That's a cast iron reason. All the others sound like flimsy excuses.

GingerIsBest · 21/08/2023 16:41

Your reasons are flimsy and made up. You just don't fancy a long journey and don't consider the wedding party a sufficient reason to put yourself out. Fine, that's your right.

But don't be surprised that you will upset people because most people would consider a long drive for a wedding party not that big a deal. You could travel late the night before/early in the morning, do the event and come back that night or the following morning. so unless the wedding is on a Wednesday and there is really no reason you could go without missing 3 days of work, you are being unreasonable to think your excuses are good enough or justified.

BadBarry · 21/08/2023 16:43

Your reasons for not going are that it's inconvenient and you'd rather not.
You've said your husband isn't close to the half sister but from their side they may regard you as closer to them.
By not going especially for the reasons given you are making it clear where you stand as long as your husband is ok with fact he will have to accept his mum etc will be upset and that he understands that future effort may go both ways and they may also not make the effort for him going forward then that's fair enough.

babbscrabbs · 21/08/2023 16:43

GingerIsBest · 21/08/2023 16:41

Your reasons are flimsy and made up. You just don't fancy a long journey and don't consider the wedding party a sufficient reason to put yourself out. Fine, that's your right.

But don't be surprised that you will upset people because most people would consider a long drive for a wedding party not that big a deal. You could travel late the night before/early in the morning, do the event and come back that night or the following morning. so unless the wedding is on a Wednesday and there is really no reason you could go without missing 3 days of work, you are being unreasonable to think your excuses are good enough or justified.

This.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/08/2023 16:43

I think that's fine if that's what you want to do, OP. It doesn't sound as if you think much of your sister in law anyway and are making all sorts of assumptions as to why she's arranged this as she has.

Don't have too many expectations of that side of the family though when your baby is born. You've set something in motion here and you and your husband might not be so pleased with yourselves later on.

UndercoverCop · 21/08/2023 16:44

It's not 'just a party' it's her wedding reception. If you don't want to go don't, but that shouldn't be based on whether or not a celebration meets your definition of what is and isn't a wedding

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 16:45

I mean is reads like you just don't want to go which is fine.
But you need to give a good reason. I'd probably tell them we had plans or something that I just couldn't get out of. Yeah I know it's a lie but I'd rather lie and save hurting people's feelings.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/08/2023 16:45

If your DH doesn't turn up for his sister's wedding, it's going to make the whole relationship with her and DH's Mum much, much less close than it already is. I think it is really rude not to show for a sibling's wedding, it is saying " I really don't care enough about you to make the effort". It's not just some random person's wedding, it involves upsetting his Mum and is a snub to the sister. It's not a neutral act, like it would be if you were, say a 4th cousin or a colleague.
If you can't/don't want to go for whatever reason, you could use the exhaustion of pregnancy as an excuse, but no one will like you for it. You've had more than 2 months notice of the wedding, I don't see why you are making quite such a big deal of this. You should be encouraging DH to maintain good relations with his family, not upsetting them with this selfish attitude. Once you have the baby, and especially if you have a second one, you will want to have his family on board. If you really can't summon up the energy to go, send DH without you.

JorisBonson · 21/08/2023 16:46

Jeez, you have a problem for every solution. Just don't go.

And fwiw, I eloped then had a party afterwards. It was just as important and everyone had a ball.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 16:46

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:36

We don't have the leave for all these overnight stays.

I don't think it's unreasonable when you live so far away. We missed his brothers 40th party because it's too far to come and there was no ill feeling. We accept that we will miss out on many occasions due to distance

Show quote history

Well you are making a habit of not attending his family events.

I would not assume there is no ill feeling, you are well on your way to permanently damaging family relations.

GalileoHumpkins · 21/08/2023 16:48

Last minute would be the 19th October.