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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WongWifi · 21/08/2023 17:07

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 17:03

@WongWifi

op best not go away for her wedding anniversary then. That’s unnecessary travel and the covid situation…

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A flight to the US where you’re packed in a sardine can with hundreds of others. Wake up! Stop spreading disease. If you don’t care about covid, then at least have a little respect for an unborn child.

Mikimoto · 21/08/2023 17:07

Why return Sat., and not Sun. p.m. You say DH's family live in the SE, so lots of people to see, and possibly for the last time in a while?

OhmygodDont · 21/08/2023 17:09

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:48

I didn't want to say but yes! It's at a social club, starts at 7pm and carriages are at 11pm. So we'd be travelling 13 hours (there and back) for 4 hours. Personally I think it's too far for that length of time...

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Yeah I wouldn’t go either. All that travel for a couple of hours in a social club. Nope.

Zonder · 21/08/2023 17:12

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 21/08/2023 16:49

Sorry your excuses just don’t cut it. Be prepared for cooler family relations from now on.

I wonder if that's the plan!

SaulsShitCar · 21/08/2023 17:12

I don't think your reasons are particularly valid. It's still 2 months away.

But if you don't want to go then don't.

LocalHobo · 21/08/2023 17:12

I think you have solidly made up your mind not to go so I can't see what the point of this whole thread is
Exactly! "Am I being unreasonable?" Over 80% of responses are "Yes".
Op says "Don't care, I'm not reconsidering my opinion"

Holly60 · 21/08/2023 17:13

I would go or at the very least encourage your DH to go.

I'm guessing you would like your DC to be involved with their family of origin in the future? Then you need to model that, starting from now.

Wexone · 21/08/2023 17:13

we have someone like you in our family. they only live 2 hours away and are loaded but come up with lame excuses like you not to come to family events etc. its got to a stage now where i don't even bother asking them to things especially after they siad no to my big birthday bash which was on a bank hol weekend they just siad no no excuses and found out afterwards they had nothing on. honestly @Strawberry06 it hurts. we don't bother making the effort now treat them as they treat us. no effort to see us at Xmas and barely made it to our own wedding. if it was me in this situation would do my damdest to go. you don't have to be super close to family but effort at big occasions is nice. you will never know what's around the corner and when you might need there help.

Veenah · 21/08/2023 17:14

We got about the same amount of notice for DH's friend's wedding. It's a 9 hour round trip, we'll stay one night and I'll be 26 weeks pregnant. I'm currently over 20 weeks and still quite nauseous so I'm presuming I might not have improved by then. I didn't even consider not going and I'd be hurt if a close family member didn't go to my wedding celebration for the reasons you've outlined.

As others have said, giving lots of little reasons just makes it obvious that you don't want to go. If you don't want to go, don't go, but you can't then really be surprised that some family members are a bit hurt at the decision.

Bluesky85 · 21/08/2023 17:18

It’s not ‘just a party’ it’s basically their wedding without the vows. It’s the one opportunity for their friends and family to come together to celebrate their wedding. You are acting like it doesn’t count, but to them it will feel significant. Are you saying if it was a whole day it would be ‘worth it’? If it was me I would go and do my bit. Sometimes other people’s milestones are an inconvenience but for the sake of family relations maybe you should just go.

Cas112 · 21/08/2023 17:20

If you don't want to go you don't have to but your excuse is a bit rubbish.. especially having 2months notice

Cosycover · 21/08/2023 17:21

Very out of order.
Your excuses are weak.

Honeyroar · 21/08/2023 17:21

OhmygodDont · 21/08/2023 17:09

Yeah I wouldn’t go either. All that travel for a couple of hours in a social club. Nope.

Show quote history

That just sounds so snobby! So you’d go if it were in a more expensive venue?? It’s about the people, surely?

OP you sound like you’ve completely made your mind up, not sure why you’re asking! But I’m on his family’s side.

Helloits2023 · 21/08/2023 17:22

I would be a bit annoyed in your situation too, the couple seems to want to have it both ways by eloping (indicating they don’t mind about the fuss around a proper wedding) but also griping when you said you can’t come to the party. And at least if they’d had a typical wedding you’d have had more notice, it might have been a Saturday and it would have been a longer event more worth travelling for. So you’re being expected to give it the priority of a sibling’s wedding without any of those advantages. Annoying.

However… at the end of the day it is his sister’s wedding(ish) and I do think you have to prioritise it. If you genuinely have no annual leave left (and I’ve understood correctly it’s on a Friday) then there’s no way you can go. Otherwise you really should make it work.

IAmKenough · 21/08/2023 17:22

If it was a whole day event you'd have to take more time off work and you'd be even more tired. You sound a bit dismissive about the venue too. I'm guessing your attitude is pretty evident to your family which must be a bit hurtful.

As others have said, don't go especially if your heart is not in it. But don't be surprised when you don't get volunteers for babysitting etc.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 17:23

The thing is @Strawberry06

If you declined and outlined your reasons as you have in your OP, I can completely see how DH's family would be pissed off, as TBH, they are very poor reasons for not going to your SIL's wedding

Peony654 · 21/08/2023 17:24

Fair enough you have something booked. But the travel excuse is ridiculous when you are flying to Bath from the north east (in itself, shocking - flying within the UK should be banned), but won't go to the southeast. And it's their wedding, not just a party. and pregnancy isn't an excuse, if you're willing to have another weekend away.

Peachespeachesohpeaches · 21/08/2023 17:24

Lookinht forward to your post in 8 months time when you're annoyed your in laws haven't visited the baby.

Fizzadora · 21/08/2023 17:30

Jeez what on earth is wrong with all you people. They don't have to go. They have very good and valid reasons why they are not going and don't have to make excuses. I bloody hate weddings and family parties.

Fartooold · 21/08/2023 17:32

How about ... 'sorry, just can't be arsed, especially as its just at a social club - golf club and above might have justified an overnight stay'

Or, 'just can't be arsed' which, clearly you can't, and for which I'd never forget (forgive is too dramatic, but id never forget how much you'd hurt me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/08/2023 17:33

It sounds a bit like you're making excuses. Unless you have a bad pregnancy or high risk then 24 weeks is OK for most people to travel. The birthday / wedding anniversary wouldn't bother me either. It's within the UK and yes it's not close but the train for example from Newcastle to London is fast or you could fly, stay for longer to break up the journey etc. 2 months isn't that short a notice.

If you think jts a big fuss about nothing and you just aren't that close ans don't want to then fine. But just know you will probably be less close after this, and also don't give all the excuses you gave in your OP

Batatahara · 21/08/2023 17:34

topnoddy · 21/08/2023 16:49

At the end of the day you don't need a list of reasons not to go

Personally i wouldn't go to anything like that if it was at the end of my road , and it's a short road at that .

Are you actually saying that you wouldn't go to a party to celebrate your sister's wedding even if it was on your street?

I know Mumsnet hates weddings but that is extreme

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 17:35

Peachespeachesohpeaches · 21/08/2023 17:24

Lookinht forward to your post in 8 months time when you're annoyed your in laws haven't visited the baby.

I won't be annoyed cause I would never expect his family to travel so far to meet our baby. They have never visited before so I'm not expecting them to in the future either! Baby or not we always travel down to them

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 21/08/2023 17:35

You don’t want to and you don’t have to. But you will upset people and cause bad feeling. It’s up to you if you care enough about the feelings of your in-laws to put yourself out.

FranticHare · 21/08/2023 17:36

I wouldn't go either, for a number of reasons.

  • Your DH and his half sister aren't close
  • Its a bloody long way for a luke warm sausage roll and a glass of coke
  • You have no holiday left to use up from work
  • If they want a quiet wedding abroad then great - they've made their choice
  • All the comments saying "Just get a train or a flight" - they are not normally cheap, and rarely do they run at a time that suits the person wanting to travel (or I am just very unlucky)

Personally, I would send a nice gift / some money and suggest meeting up in the future to have a nice meal (baby dependant) together to celebrate their nuptial's.

Whenever these posts come up on here, there seems to be a expectation that the poster should bend over backwards multiple times to go the wedding / celebration etc. Preferably spending thousands on random planes trains and automobiles taking days. Its bat shit!

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