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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Middleagedmeangirls · 21/08/2023 16:11

You are married to someone whose family lives a long way away. You are going to have to suck up some long distance travelling if you want DH and your eventual DC to have relationships with their family.

Go to the party. Stay overnight somewhere on the way there and the way back to make a mini break of it. Next time you do the trip you will be ladenndown with baby paraphernalia- enjoy the freedom of a baby free trip.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:12

saraclara · 21/08/2023 16:05

October isn't the last minute. And of course you should go. Their ceremony might have been an element, but this is their big thing. This is their celebration, and where their friends and family celebrate with them. They came to your wedding event, you go to theirs, even if theirs doesn't include the vows.

Not going to a sibling's wedding sends a huge message to them, and there will be repercussions. You're about to have a child. Presumably you'll be okay with them not traveling all that distance to see their new family member?

You're just looking for excuses. Yes it's a long way, but it was for them when they traveled in the other direction.

No I wouldn't expect them to travel at all. We have made the journey to visit them several times (twice already this year). Not once have they offered to come and visit us. I fully expect we will be visiting with our newborn so family can meet him.

Our wedding was during Covid times, postponed many times and people suggested we just get married and have a party later. I know many people did this but I would never expect people to travel all that way just for a party when we are already married. Fine is you live nearby but not 350+ miles away.

OP posts:
saltrocking · 21/08/2023 16:12

I'm be quite upset if my son didn't come to his sisters wedding.

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/08/2023 16:12

No-one can make you go. They wouldn't be unreasonable to be hacked off/insulted. Actions have consequences.

Jevwaypock · 21/08/2023 16:13

Its an awful long way for a party? Sorry essentially your wedding they travelled to was “just a party” whole day or not.

Its your DH’s sister I feel like you should make the effort? If you don’t want to go then your husband can just go, it’s not like she was asking you to go to vegas.

FizzyFucker · 21/08/2023 16:13

Pick one reason not to go and stick with it, giving ten small excuses just makes it look like you don't want to go.

EvilElsa · 21/08/2023 16:14

Those are better and more truthful excuses than the ones in your original OP. I'd make the effort if I was your DH. It's a one off special occasion. They travelled for your wedding. His mum would like him to be there. Totally up to him obviously, but for all the bad feeling it will cause to miss it, I'd just go.

AreolaGrande · 21/08/2023 16:14

At least be honest and admit you just don't want to go OP.

Your reasons are pretty flimsy to say the least.

SkaneTos · 21/08/2023 16:16

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/08/2023 16:02

2 months is hardly last minute! Go, don't go, whatever....but your particular reasons aren't all that compelling.

I agree with this!

yogasaurus · 21/08/2023 16:17

You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but two months notice is more than enough. Just be honest that you don’t want to.

LoobyDop · 21/08/2023 16:17

It sounds as though your actual reason for not being able to go is that you’d need to take time off work for it to be doable, and you don’t have any holidays left. That seems completely reasonable to me.

cariadlet · 21/08/2023 16:18

If you don't want to go, then don't go but the excuses given so far are pretty poor.

FWIW, I think that the bride and groom are showing a lot of consideration by having a quiet wedding abroad (it's not an elopement if you tell everyone what you are going to do) and then throwing a party when they get back to the UK.

Much better than the destination weddings where couples expect friends to spend more than the cost of the annual family holiday to attend.

IAmKenough · 21/08/2023 16:18

I can understand why your MIL and SIL would be upset. Your reasons are a bit pathetic, so it just screams that you can't be arsed.

yogasaurus · 21/08/2023 16:19

Also being pregnant is irrelevant.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 16:19

Can you and your DH work remotely or would you have to take the day off?

I would try to get there if you can

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 16:20

I think it is pretty poor to not attend a siblings wedding celebration and it is something that will cast a cloud over family relations going forward. Your excuses are flimsey, all you need to do is add another night on and make a little weekend break of it.

And stop calling her “half sister”, just sister will do.

mylittleprince · 21/08/2023 16:21

Just be honest and say you don't want to go. None of your excuses are valid unless you have a high risk pregnancy.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 21/08/2023 16:21

Bottom line - I just think its a an awful long way to go just for a party.

It's not just a party though OP, it's your husband's sister's wedding celebration. Personally I think you should make the effort to be there even if it's just an overnight stay. At the very least he should go but at 24 weeks there's no need for you not to be there as well.

Wenfy · 21/08/2023 16:21

Ultimately this is your husband’s problem. He needs to sort it out without using your pregnancy as an excuse.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:24

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 16:19

Can you and your DH work remotely or would you have to take the day off?

I would try to get there if you can

No we can't. To make it work and tag it onto our already booked break would mean taking an extra 5 days leave, which we just don't have at this stage in the year. Our holiday year runs Jan-Dec and is already allocated. That's what I meant when I said she has left it late. Otherwise it means going South, coming back, then driving down on the Friday (the day of the party) then driving back on the Saturday, it is tiring!

OP posts:
IAmKenough · 21/08/2023 16:24

Get the train?

Besttobe8001 · 21/08/2023 16:26

It sounds like you and your husband are not going because you don't want to. Which is fine, but you can't expect that everyone else will be ok with that.

TVstolemyevenings · 21/08/2023 16:26

Your reasons are flaky
Being 24 weeks pregnancy (assuming no specific complications) doesn’t prevent you doing anything like sit in a car/on a train and go to a party! Good grief does every woman stay in bed for 9 months?

and the fact you have some anniversaries a week later is frankly clutching at straws and if you actually said that to them then no wonder they are annoyed at you.

TBH even if you go now you have basically told them you can’t be arsed so not sure how you can pull it back.

Their choices around their wedding and subsequent celebrations are not yours to criticise. You have admitted the fact is you can’t be arsed because they don’t matter that much to you. In which case decline, bit accept that it will have repercussions for your relationship with them.

harriethoyle · 21/08/2023 16:29

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:24

No we can't. To make it work and tag it onto our already booked break would mean taking an extra 5 days leave, which we just don't have at this stage in the year. Our holiday year runs Jan-Dec and is already allocated. That's what I meant when I said she has left it late. Otherwise it means going South, coming back, then driving down on the Friday (the day of the party) then driving back on the Saturday, it is tiring!

Show quote history

Drive back on the Sunday then not the Saturday.

Be honest, you're just making excuses. Own it but don't moan about the inevitable repercussions.

MumToBeOf2 · 21/08/2023 16:29

YABU.

"I'll be 24 weeks and don't fancy the trip."

But you'll fly down to Bristol the week after? You can fly to London and travel the rest of the way by train, the south east is very connected.

If it was my wedding party I would be absolutely gutted my brother didn't come because his wife couldn't be bothered, when she's willing to fly the week after. Get on skyscanner, book some flights and stop making excuses

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