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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to SIL wedding party

283 replies

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 15:51

Wondered what peoples thoughts were on this;

My husbands half sister is eloping to Vegas in September and they are having a 'wedding party' when they get back which is 20th October. We knew nothing about the party until we got the invite a couple of weeks ago.

We have said we won't be going due to the following reasons;

The party is some 350+ miles from where we live (husbands family live in South East, we live in the North East). It would take us longer to travel there than the duration of the event itself!

I will be 24 weeks pregnant by this point and don't really fancy the long journey at that stage.

It is also my husbands birthday and our wedding anniversary the week after and we have plans.

Our decision not to attend is being met with hostility by my husbands Mum, his half sister and his other sister as they all travelled to our wedding and think it isn't fair that we aren't doing the same. Our wedding was a whole day event, booked well in advance with enough notice. I can't help but feel she's let people know very last minute at this stage in the year when people may not have leave left and its an awful long way to travel just for a party. Had it been an all day event and we'd known in advance of course we'd have been there. Even if we'd known about the party in advance we might have planned a visit around it to make it more worthwhile.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 21/08/2023 16:48

Things vary from family to family. On the face of it though if my sister and her husband could not be bothered to attend my wedding I would feel aggrieved. I take the point that it is a wedding party and not the wedding- but this is pretty much the same thing for them. You have not date clash (a week out?!). 24 weeks is travelable. Unless you are really strapped for cash I can see this causing tension. When the baby's born how will you feel if his family say well its a heck of a journey...

huuskymam · 21/08/2023 16:48

Personally I'd book some time off work and make a few days break out of it for you and dh. As its a wedding celebration for family, I do think you should make the effort.

Mari9999 · 21/08/2023 16:48

@Strawberry06
They came to your wedding celebration ; this is their equivalent ceremony. None of your reasons are a reasonable justification for not going. The truth is that you just don't want to go, and that is an acceptable (but selfish) reason. Just send a lovely gift along with your regrets.

Don't be surprised if they express the same level of enthusiasm and effort in acknowledging your baby 's bitth.

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:48

Aavalon57 · 21/08/2023 16:39

When you say it's a party, what is it exactly? The back room of a pub with sausage rolls?

I didn't want to say but yes! It's at a social club, starts at 7pm and carriages are at 11pm. So we'd be travelling 13 hours (there and back) for 4 hours. Personally I think it's too far for that length of time...

OP posts:
WongWifi · 21/08/2023 16:48

She’s expecting!

topnoddy · 21/08/2023 16:49

At the end of the day you don't need a list of reasons not to go

Personally i wouldn't go to anything like that if it was at the end of my road , and it's a short road at that .

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 21/08/2023 16:49

Sorry your excuses just don’t cut it. Be prepared for cooler family relations from now on.

MumToBeOf2 · 21/08/2023 16:49

@Strawberry06 why have you ignored the fact you can fly?

Book a hotel for the evening after the party and fly back the next day.

saraclara · 21/08/2023 16:50

His Mum suggested he get the train down on his own but he doesn't want to do this either.

That's the only acceptable compromise. And if he refuses simply because he "doesn't want to" then yes, he's made a huge statement that tells his family that they just don't matter.

Hbh17 · 21/08/2023 16:51

I disagree with most people here - I think it's fine not to go. One this woman is not "eloping", she is simply getting married abroad. Two, she apparently doesn't want the "fuss" of a big wedding, but bafflingly there is now no end of fuss about what is merely a party, possibly a bit of a disco and a buffet. And three, the whole thing is inconvenient. OP, just own your decision and don't make excuses - nobody has to do anything they don't want to do simply for that dreaded reason of "it's family". Just be polite and say 'thank you so much for your very kind invitation, but we won't be attending. We do hope you have a lovely time, and look forward to seeing you some other time'. Job done.

WongWifi · 21/08/2023 16:52

Op, you are perfectly within your rights to not attend and frankly, you should not be obliged to. You are expectant and with the covid situation as it is, it’d be madness to travel unnecessarily.

I feel people are so hung up on weddings. With a 50% divorce rate, I’m just not that excited 🤷‍♀️

Dashel · 21/08/2023 16:52

We live about five hours away from family and we make the effort to drive down after work on a Friday and come back about 11 on the Sunday

It is tiring and expensive but it needs to be done every now and then.

Could you pick a weekend as close to it as possible and visit them if you can’t do that weekend?

We take a picnic to minimise costs and take it in turns to drive.

ChorltonCreamery · 21/08/2023 16:53

@Aprilx And stop calling her “half sister”, just sister will do.

There’s nothing wrong with having half-siblings. You don’t have to be embarrassed.

OhwhyOY · 21/08/2023 16:55

Could you not adjust the Bath dates so you could combine the two trips, even if it doesn't end up being on your anniversary? Or fly down for this event, and tack on some more family time the day before or after to make the visit a bit more worthwhile? Do you work wrrkrnds, if not I'm not sure why you couldn't fly down Friday AM and back Sunday PM? IME second trimester is the easiest bit, all being well, so you should be fine to travel unless you have a really tough pregnancy.

Makemineacosmo · 21/08/2023 16:56

I would go. You're inventing a list of excuses not to because you don't want to go and that's fine. The fact that they travelled to your wedding is one thing - even though it was presumably an afternoon and evening event, there would have been a lot of expense involved for people to travel and dress for a wedding.

You will only be 24 weeks pregnant, which is fine. You've been given two months notice, which is plenty, you have plans the week after - irrelevant. It's a long drive, yes, but most people kind of do things like that on occasion for their family. If you don't want to go, don't, but be honest about your reasons.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 16:57

ChorltonCreamery · 21/08/2023 16:53

@Aprilx And stop calling her “half sister”, just sister will do.

There’s nothing wrong with having half-siblings. You don’t have to be embarrassed.

I actually mentioned it because it felt like another thinly veiled excuse from OP, as in “she’s not even a full sister, just a half sister”. And because in real life people don’t refer to their half siblings as half siblings, well not unless it was a discussion about the family tree.

Yellowflower47 · 21/08/2023 16:57

You just don’t want to go, but be honest. Just explain how you don’t think it’s worth travelling for and you aren’t that bothered about going. Using being 24 weeks pregnant (unless you have significant medical issues) as an excuse reason for not going is somewhat immature. I got married at 22 weeks pregnant then went on a European minimoon two weeks later and a long haul honeymoon three weeks after that….it’s just pregnancy, you’re not suddenly disabled. I would bear in mind however, that once your baby is born it’ll be much harder to visit having to drive that distance with a baby in a car seat as you’ll need multiple stops. Equally, don’t expect any of them to be rushing to visit you and see baby if this is your attitude.

eddiemairswife · 21/08/2023 16:58

Has 'eloping' changed its meaning?

WongWifi · 21/08/2023 17:01

I’ve got half siblings and you’re very much mistaken as I refer to them as just that.

Cyclebabble · 21/08/2023 17:02

Strawberry06 · 21/08/2023 16:36

We don't have the leave for all these overnight stays.

I don't think it's unreasonable when you live so far away. We missed his brothers 40th party because it's too far to come and there was no ill feeling. We accept that we will miss out on many occasions due to distance

Show quote history

Oh I see, so in your eyes the step sister is a bit of a chav and therefore really really not worth the effort of travelling any distance. I fully understand OP, one certainly does not want to give the lower classes the idea that they are worthwhile people does one?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 17:02

eddiemairswife · 21/08/2023 16:58

Has 'eloping' changed its meaning?

It has. Sort of. It originally meant to escape or flee, so you could say that in this case the sister is escaping from the traditional wedding.

In the industry it also generally means a destination wedding with 10 or fewer guests.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2023 17:03

WongWifi · 21/08/2023 16:52

Op, you are perfectly within your rights to not attend and frankly, you should not be obliged to. You are expectant and with the covid situation as it is, it’d be madness to travel unnecessarily.

I feel people are so hung up on weddings. With a 50% divorce rate, I’m just not that excited 🤷‍♀️

@WongWifi

op best not go away for her wedding anniversary then. That’s unnecessary travel and the covid situation…

WongWifi · 21/08/2023 17:05

Yellowflower47 · 21/08/2023 16:57

You just don’t want to go, but be honest. Just explain how you don’t think it’s worth travelling for and you aren’t that bothered about going. Using being 24 weeks pregnant (unless you have significant medical issues) as an excuse reason for not going is somewhat immature. I got married at 22 weeks pregnant then went on a European minimoon two weeks later and a long haul honeymoon three weeks after that….it’s just pregnancy, you’re not suddenly disabled. I would bear in mind however, that once your baby is born it’ll be much harder to visit having to drive that distance with a baby in a car seat as you’ll need multiple stops. Equally, don’t expect any of them to be rushing to visit you and see baby if this is your attitude.

Covid is surging and you’re encouraging an expectant mother to expose her health and that of her unborn child to a biohazard level 3 contagion?

As for that boring old trope that pregnancy is not the same as being disabled, it’s really all about you. Not your unborn child. Just be honest :-)

WaitingfortheTardis · 21/08/2023 17:05

I think its fine not to go. Yes they travelled to yours, but that was your actual wedding, not a party after the main event to get presents. I don't think you can expect people to put themselves out for what is just a party. Add to that you being pregnant and so far away I would just say a polite but firm no thank you. Perhaps offer to take the couple for a celebration dinner put when you next get together.

Zonder · 21/08/2023 17:06

I think you have solidly made up your mind not to go so I can't see what the point of this whole thread is.

You know 24 weeks pregnant isn't a reason.

You could stay overnight each side and make it a chance to see family. Do you work weekends?

Weddings are never about just watching the actual ceremony but also about seeing friends and family. It doesn't sound like you want to do that.