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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
ForeverYellow · 20/08/2023 20:25

I was not at all keen on late father in laws name but it meant the world to Dh so we used it as a middle name . Now Ds loves his middle name because he loves to hear about family history. If it means so much to your Dh I would consider it .

Pinkea · 20/08/2023 20:26

His mum is dead, so I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest, as it’s a nice link to a grandparent she will never meet. What is the name?

Thesenderofthiscard · 20/08/2023 20:26

Just do it. My DD has a middle name I do not particularly like but it’s one used by her family, and her mum’s middle name.
Don’t be petty. Not when your DH is mourning his mother

SlippySarah · 20/08/2023 20:26

YANBU. You both have to agree on a name for your DC. He doesn't get to overrule you just because his mum is dead. My DC both have family names as middle names but that's my preference and we agreed it between us.

Gothambutnotahamster · 20/08/2023 20:29

Did his mum have a middle name that you could use instead?

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:29

wasn't sure on posting the name but did name change just in case it came up. name is wilhelmina and we had decided on willow as her first name... i really don't like them together and i really do not like wilhelmina but i don't want to be awful and if it is genuinely really bad to say no, i will obviously have to suck it up and go with it and i think reading the opinions on others will definitely make me feel better about that if that is the case

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/08/2023 20:29

Did your partner's mum have a middle name? It so and if you like it better maybe use that instead?

Whose surname will baby have?

If I were you I'd give baby your surname but let DP choose the middle name, and if that's his mother's name, so be it.

Middle names don't really matter and it means a lot to him so why not.

(My DD's middle name is after DH's grandmother who he was very close to, whether I actually like the name is irrelevant really. Our children have both our surnames though, I wouldn't have allowed DH to choose middle name and surname without having my surname in there too.)

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/08/2023 20:30

We lost my MIL a few weeks before my DD was born so even though I don’t really like the name (it’s quite a nice name, just not my taste) I suggested we used it. It gives the middle name a meaning rather than just the run of the mill ‘Rose’, ‘Mae’, ‘Grace’ etc. it in my case ‘Louise’ like everyone else in the 80s haha.

Pinkea · 20/08/2023 20:31

Willow as a first name 100% changes things, actually! That’s the tribute to her (and is lovely tbh).

WeetabixTowels · 20/08/2023 20:31

Pinkea · 20/08/2023 20:26

His mum is dead, so I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest, as it’s a nice link to a grandparent she will never meet. What is the name?

This.

No one takes notice of middle names anyway.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2023 20:31

Well in your shoes I would agree to use it. It’s a an easy gesture to make as we don’t use middle names except on a very few official documents and if we marry.

My ex-husband wanted his late grandma’s name as a first or middle name for our DD1 and I happily agreed to the latter despite it being quite a frumpy name that combined with her first name sounded desperately grand. It’s never been a problem.

My ex-husband was a total wanker as it turns out but even through the veil of yellow bile through which I view our shared history, I think that was an understandable, sympathetic and quite sweet impulse of his. Most out of character.

I don’t regret the decision. It was a nice thing to do and meant something to his family as well as him.

mummybear247 · 20/08/2023 20:31

My dd has my other half's mum name as her middle name mil passed always just days b4 I found out I was pregnant x

IcedBananas · 20/08/2023 20:31

I think you need to find a compromise. Did MIL have a middle name that you might prefer? Or is there a name you like that’s similar to MILs name? Example : MIL was Margaret, baby has Margot as middle name? I wouldn’t worry about the names going well together though. I was concerned about this with my DDs names. She’s now 7 and it’s so rare to say the first and middle name together that it really doesn’t matter.

WeetabixTowels · 20/08/2023 20:32

OP what was her maiden name?

Willow is absolutely gorgeous BTW. A derivative of Wilhelmina if you like

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think I'd be pushing for a compromise of Willow Mina as first and middle name. The both names would still very much be a tribute to your late MIL.

Hotflushesinthesunfun · 20/08/2023 20:33

Pinkea · 20/08/2023 20:31

Willow as a first name 100% changes things, actually! That’s the tribute to her (and is lovely tbh).

I agree with this. You can’t use the two names but surely Willow is an updated version of her name? Can you sell that idea to DH?

SemperIdem · 20/08/2023 20:34

Yanbu

But I don’t really like the “naming after family” tradition anyway.

Britinme · 20/08/2023 20:34

How about if you shortened the middle name to Mina? Or used his mum's middle name? My dd wanted to honour her paternal grandmother when she had her second dd, but didn't like grandma's first name so went with the middle name, which everybody likes.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 20/08/2023 20:34

Sorry op it is only a middle name and if it would mean the world to your dh l think you should use it

VinylCafe · 20/08/2023 20:34

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think I'd be pushing for a compromise of Willow Mina as first and middle name. The both names would still very much be a tribute to your late MIL.

Great idea!

RustyBear · 20/08/2023 20:38

DD & SIL did this - DD really didn’t like her late MIL’s name (and the middle name was no better) so they have used it as a third forename, as that’s the one that usually gets dropped.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2023 20:40

I like Wilhelmina! What about that as her baptismal/ registered name but Willow as her given name? It’s so common, particularly in the past with boys. All those Tonys and Bobs and Robs were Anthonys and Roberts.

If you think it’s awful then I assume you won’t fancy it but I don’t think Willow is a tribute in itself. It’s a very different kind of name despite sharing the same first syllable. It’s like saying your daughter is called Jade in tribute to the late and much love Jane.

If the fist name option is out then I think the middle name option is the best route.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/08/2023 20:40

I can see your point. Did she go by her first name, it often gets shortened.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:44

yes! i explained to him willow is kind of similar anyway and i'm sure he will feel they share a similarity in that respect and he will be saying it every day so it's nicer, etc. but he says he doesn't really see it that way and wants it to be her actual name (that is why i am not sure compromising on a similar middle name will help). have not decided on the surname yet... i think i will probably take his on marriage (which is funny as i swore i would never do that and only double barrel it but really cannot be dealing with a 20 letter, 5 syllable surname for all of us) so was tempted to just give her his so hers never needs to change but then marriage isn't really in the near future so kind of want her to share mine until then so really don't know!

OP posts:
continentallentil · 20/08/2023 20:46

I was going to say YABU but no you cannot call her Willow Wilhelmina!

Surely Willow is sort of after her anyway??

Either you use his mum’s middle name as her middle name, or you hold onto Wilhelmina / Wilhem / William as a middle name for your second child.

I think you just have to gently say to him that much as you understand the desire to remember his mum, Willow is already doing that - and you cannot give your daughter a name that will make her embarrassed which Willow Wilhelmina would.

Or - Willow Mina as suggested by PPs sounds odd to me but you could stick something in the middle, like Willow Elizabeth Mina