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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
SlippySarah · 20/08/2023 22:18

I'm shocked that the overall feeling is that DP should get overall veto and decision making rights on DC name just because his mum died. People die every day. There are plenty of ways to keep their memory alive without saddling your child with an awful name forever.

Takacupokindnessyet · 20/08/2023 22:18

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think I'd be pushing for a compromise of Willow Mina as first and middle name. The both names would still very much be a tribute to your late MIL.

This was my thought to.

Scoobyblue · 20/08/2023 22:20

Willow Wilhelmina is awful. Absolutely bloody awful.
I don't like Wilhelmina but would use it as a middle name because it has such sentimental meaning for your partner. But not with Willow as a first name. That's just dreadful (in my opinion).

Hotflushesinthesunfun · 20/08/2023 22:20

I hate my middle name and it’s surprising how often it is used it’s on all official documents and all my school friends knew it , and actually quite a few of my friends now, as names do get discussed.

The baby is a person in their own right. Why would you saddle them with a name you hate as a pp upthread said they are doing for their dp? You should love the name this person is going to have for hopefully 80+ years.

Icycloud · 20/08/2023 22:20

the grandparents name goes in the middle. The second name is hyphenated (mothers name-fathersname)

Amethys · 20/08/2023 22:20

Bloody hell, Wilhelmina?! 🙈

So the child gets his surname, and his family tradition also chooses the child’s middle name, and apparently your feminised surname isn’t an option, and now he’s managed to also make it impossible to use your favourite name.

That’s quite bossy of him. I would not be happy.

I would push back a bit on the middle name but if it means that much to him I would probably as my final offer give the child two middle names (and just never use them except on official paperwork). Plenty of people have four names.

so eg Willow Laura Wilhelmina Jones.

If he isn’t happy with that either then he needs to go look up compromise in a dictionary.

If you actively hate the name Wilhelmina then that’s a problem. You shouldn’t have to gove yiur daughter a name you hate. If you really hate it, just say so. Say you respect him and his family traditions but you cannot give your daughter a name you actively hate.

Surely his mother had a nickname? I do not believe everyone said her full first name every single time they spoke to her.

Proudmum17 · 20/08/2023 22:20

I think you know when you meet your child face to face what their name will be. They sort of let you know. Whatever you choose all the names you're thinking of sound lovely. Including Wilhelmina.

Azerothi · 20/08/2023 22:21

Please give your baby your surname and not your boyfriend's name.

With regard to the middle name I would also say no, as PP said above if you insist on your baby not having your surname surely the fact that your baby has your boyfriend's family name is enough for him?

pamplemoussemousse · 20/08/2023 22:21

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 21:49

we don't mind the popularity thing. second choice is olive and after this thread i am honestly just leaning towards going for olive wilhelmina

Olive Wilhelmina is a really beautiful name, OP

Otherwise I would put Willow [other name] Wilhelmina on the table?

Ohyesreally · 20/08/2023 22:22

Surely you'd be well within your rights to say she'll have his surname and YOU'D like to use your own name as the child's middle name?

ZiriForEver · 20/08/2023 22:22

Based on all updates - he is being massively unreasonable.
You accepted his wish, offered two ways how it could work and he says no, he now practically expects all parts of the name being his choice.
Grieving doesn't give a free pass for being a jerk.
Please, insist on your surname.

Mischance · 20/08/2023 22:23

OK - all you need to do is give her 2 middle names - that will stop the Willow and Wilhelmina running consecutively - for example Willow Olivia Wilhelmina. That sounds better - but spells WOW!!! Perhaps a different "bridge" name that does not begin with a vowel.

Amethys · 20/08/2023 22:23

Oh wow just noticed that you aren’t even married? You get to choose the full name including surname then OP. No wedding ring = no opinion on the child’s name.

ELMhouse · 20/08/2023 22:24

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:13

said to dp maybe we do just go for olive wilhelmina then and he is saying how he prefers willow... i think i am going to head to bed. what a headfuck. i actually said to him how about we do willow (the female name of my surname) wilhelmina and then his surname and he is saying how we already agreed that 4 names in total is too much. so i have said fine we will go for my surname until we are married then and he is complaining i am just saying this now to make a point about having to use wilhelmina. i have genuinely had enough for one night, to the point i even told him to tell me what first name off our original list he would pick then if he doesn't want olive now and has told me willow. i seriously just don't want willow wilhelmina and that is the only criteria i bloody have anymore.

i really do appreciate the replies and help, but think i need a rest from it for the night before i send myself into early labour Grin

See I’m with you on this, as someone lumbered with a crap middle name (named after a family member) you think ‘people won’t use it’ but it shows up everywhere (important documents). I even went so far as to ask the vicar not to read it out in our marriage ceremony as I hate it so much (and have spent my life avoiding telling anyone).

IMHO you both need to love your DDs full name. He won’t compromise and of course the name means a lot to him. But this is both of your daughter not just his.

I think you are spot on to say ‘the baby can have my surname’ and it is not ok for him to tell you are you are only doing that to prove a point (well yeah the point is quite obvious and fair - everyone gets their chosen ‘family’ name).

amusedbush · 20/08/2023 22:26

I understand your DH's desire to acknowledge his late mum but Wilhelmina... that's a stinker. I couldn't agree to use a name I hated, even as a middle name.

Willow is beautiful, much nicer than Olive, but you can't call her Willow Wilhelmina. I think you've offered reasonable compromises - probably more reasonable and tactful than I would be if faced with that name!

pamplemoussemousse · 20/08/2023 22:26

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:13

said to dp maybe we do just go for olive wilhelmina then and he is saying how he prefers willow... i think i am going to head to bed. what a headfuck. i actually said to him how about we do willow (the female name of my surname) wilhelmina and then his surname and he is saying how we already agreed that 4 names in total is too much. so i have said fine we will go for my surname until we are married then and he is complaining i am just saying this now to make a point about having to use wilhelmina. i have genuinely had enough for one night, to the point i even told him to tell me what first name off our original list he would pick then if he doesn't want olive now and has told me willow. i seriously just don't want willow wilhelmina and that is the only criteria i bloody have anymore.

i really do appreciate the replies and help, but think i need a rest from it for the night before i send myself into early labour Grin

Oh lovely, get to bed and try not to stress over it tonight.

I think he is being really unreasonable to be so demanding, I'm not surprised you're finding it stressful x

ConnieTucker · 20/08/2023 22:27

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:13

said to dp maybe we do just go for olive wilhelmina then and he is saying how he prefers willow... i think i am going to head to bed. what a headfuck. i actually said to him how about we do willow (the female name of my surname) wilhelmina and then his surname and he is saying how we already agreed that 4 names in total is too much. so i have said fine we will go for my surname until we are married then and he is complaining i am just saying this now to make a point about having to use wilhelmina. i have genuinely had enough for one night, to the point i even told him to tell me what first name off our original list he would pick then if he doesn't want olive now and has told me willow. i seriously just don't want willow wilhelmina and that is the only criteria i bloody have anymore.

i really do appreciate the replies and help, but think i need a rest from it for the night before i send myself into early labour Grin

He doesnt intend to compromise at all. honestly, you are not married. give her your name. On marriage he can take your name so you all have the same.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 20/08/2023 22:27

Tribute or not, you can't use Willow Wilhelmina! Bloody awful😂

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:28

ZiriForEver · 20/08/2023 22:22

Based on all updates - he is being massively unreasonable.
You accepted his wish, offered two ways how it could work and he says no, he now practically expects all parts of the name being his choice.
Grieving doesn't give a free pass for being a jerk.
Please, insist on your surname.

I think it sounds like they’d both just got in a petulant strop about the whole thing and it’s now become a point of upset / contention.

when they’ve both calmed down, if DP refuses either olive Wilhelmina or willow somethingelse Wilhelmina then I agree he’s being wholly unreasonable. But since he already himself suggested olive Wilhelmina as the compromise, I’m guessing he’s just right now reverberating of OP’s stroppy vibes. It sounds like they both need to go to bed and revisit the conversation with cooler heads another time.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:28

i know i said i was going to bed but just been talking with him and he has said she can have my surname as long as it won't automatically mean i expect him to take it at marriage to match us and as long as we do go for willow wilhelmina... i genuinely thought when i started this thread that if i was unreasonable to say no to that middle name, we would simply have to go with a different first name and that would be it, never in a million years did i expect him to now only be happy with willow. i thought it was simply only about having wilhelmina in the middle

OP posts:
Youwho2 · 20/08/2023 22:28

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:10

This is so unfair: he doesn’t want to compromise on the one thing he’s asked for which is to include his dead mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name. It’s the most natural and understandable request imaginable when naming one’s child. He hasn’t asked for the first name, he’s just asked for a middle, which is nothing and so easily granted . So many people have middle names that are never used / heard of again. I don’t like my middle name, I couldn’t care less.

its OP who won’t compromise. She won’t have Willow Wilhelmina , she won’t include an extra name in the middle to break up the two “w”s (eg willow rose Wilhelmina) and she won’t accept a second choice first name.

Utterly heartless about something that is obviously so important and meaningful to her partner. I can’t imagine being like this. My partner has asked to include his late grandfather’s name in our baby’s name. I can’t stand the name and wouldn’t be happy with the idea as a first name, but no chance I would refuse it as a middle. I can’t even imagine even questioning such a request in the case of a late mother.

Show quote history

It's their baby together. He wants Willow Wilhelmina and his Surname (they arent narried). He doesn't want her second choice first name. He doesnt want another middle name. He doesnt want her maiden name. He can't have it all his way. It's her baby as well. I'm sorry his mum passes but that doesn't mean his name choices trumps hers. Willow Wilhelmina sounds ridiculous.

UnctuousUnicorns · 20/08/2023 22:29

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:29

wasn't sure on posting the name but did name change just in case it came up. name is wilhelmina and we had decided on willow as her first name... i really don't like them together and i really do not like wilhelmina but i don't want to be awful and if it is genuinely really bad to say no, i will obviously have to suck it up and go with it and i think reading the opinions on others will definitely make me feel better about that if that is the case

Ah, I think Willow Wilhelmina sounds sweet together, it has a lovely lyrical flow to it! 😍 My youngest DD has DH's mother's name as a middle, it is the same sound as the last (second) syllable of her first name, so it sounds a bit clunky, but I don't really mind. Besides, it' was also my Nan's name, as well as being my confirmation name, so it features a lot in our family.

Obviously it's a decision you both have to be happy with, but I wouldn't dismiss it outright. And Wilhelmina is (imo) such a pretty name!

Grapewrath · 20/08/2023 22:29

God I agree with you Wilhelmina is awful. Willow is much nicer
I wouldn’t have both- your DP is unreasonable to think that
id go with willow and say you’ll use mums name for the next girls middle name. Cross that bridge when you come to it or fingers crossed for a boy.
Rhere was a lot of pressure from dp family to use his mums name or middle name fir DD. Neither were awful but weren’t my vibe. I just said a blanket no to family names

OliveWah · 20/08/2023 22:30

Going by what I think you've said you do/don't like, I think your DP's options are:

Willow (feminine version of OP's surname) Wilhelmina (DP's surname)

OR

Olive Wilhelmina (DP's surname)

I agree that you can't have Willow Wilhelmina without something to break up the alliteration, they sound too similar. FWIW, I really like Olive, and if you have to include Wilhelmina, then that's the name I'd choose. Good luck!

When I was pregnant with DD2, DH's Gran died and he wanted to include her name as DD2's middle name. It really didn't go with the first name we'd decided on, but I would have used it (and had a similar dilemma to yours!), but my SIL very helpfully gave birth first, and used Gran's name as her DD's first name, so DH decided Gran's name had been 'used' in that generation, so we didn't need to!

Serenissima90 · 20/08/2023 22:31

Willow Helena?