to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

[thunderthunder3]

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

I was just thinking the same thing. The only Willows I know are dogs, I prefer Wilhelmina

Willow Double-surname?

His surname probably isn't as bad as Wilhelmina or Billie (bad when combined with Willow as a name).

no, she cannot be a name I hate... I get quite a few of you hate the name willow for various reasons and that is fine but that is how I feel about Wilhelmina. I love the name willow i also think the comments about job professions and things and how her name may not fit her personality/physical appearance are a bit silly. i have never once met a grace and even thought about how "ungraceful" they are and sure people associate less modern names with successful older people, but in decades to come, the modern names will be seen in all those professions too!

to the person who said about "Stephanie" being whatever it was and not the same as having "Stephenson" well yeah, that would be more for my own sentiment not for legal reasons obviously and I just want to say I am certainly not leaning more towards giving her his last name and am in favour of mine but my preference actually being to use both (it will just be long) as I say, even if we split up tomorrow and wasn't even together when I had her, if I felt he was still going to be an active father in her life, I would have no issue her having both our surnames, regardless of our relationship status. I just think that is nice. however as someone else said, I cannot imagine being unable to take my child on holiday by myself because of her surname lol, in this day and age soooo many blended families etc as someone else said and actually all the people I know who have had children with their unmarried partner have given his name! Not saying this is what I will do and actually that option is now lowest on my list but just saying it isn't an unusual thing.

We both love Willow and we both have surnames... so I'm honestly ready to say willow with both our surnames and that is it and maybe we can find some sort of middle name that means something to both of us somehow even just going back on family trees for inspo.

as has been said, sick of this back and forth ridiculous game and as you have all reminded me I can actually legally call her whatever the hell I want without him. Ofc that isn't the way i want to go because it is a one way ticket to ruining our relationship but i am done dancing around him and trying to compromise with his demands so yes, i do really appreciate the comments because it has definitely made me feel better about realising i absolutely do not need to name my daughter a name i actually hate and i do not need to be stressing so much about it because it does not need to happen

I think Willow both surnames is a great compromise. I think you need to pick the middle name. There's been a lot of compromise on your side and IMO a lot of manipulation on him.

You do realise his next argument is what order the surnames will be in because obviously he'll want Stephenson then his surname.

I fucking Hate my husbands name and my late dads name ain't red hot either think on a par with Keith and Kenneth... anyway husband desperate for a son named after him and so I said yes if you use my dads name... I bloody love the names now because I love my sons so much and they really do suit them.. and then like other old fashioned names they are starting to become fashionable.
Get over it x my sons live the connection with their dad/granddad

I couldn’t disagree more. I wouldn’t be the mum with a different name to her children for anything.

tben again, I also wouldn’t be having a baby if I wasn’t married.

guess we’re all different ☺️

@Coulditreallybe so you would rush and marry before the baby arrived or abort the baby? Both those seem like awful decisions! not all pregnancies are a result of being off contraception and actively trying. not sure why marriage is so important

@thunderthunder3 marriage is hugely, hugely important for multiple reasons

have a looksie over on the relationship board for a hint about why when this whole name saga is resolved (which i wish you the best with)

as an unmarried mum you’re in a vulnerable position. Not trying to be mean, just helpful, because if you don’t realise why being married is important maybe you don’t realise.

@Coulditreallybe I am genuinely curious here, if I am in a far better financial situation to my partner, is it not actually worse for me to marry, if we were to divorce isn't everything I own half his then? i obviously would not care if I was marrying and it felt right for me but i obviously did not feel ready to be married right then or we would have been. I admit I wouldn't have been trying for a baby either but I am not sad or upset about the news and i cannot wait to be a mum but rushing into a marriage quickly seems baffling to me just because i am pregnant, why add another big life milestone in a moment you didn't really want it to be in? I am not trying to be difficult but I cannot see the pros to getting married right now, even as a pregnant woman/mother

As someone who has been married and divorced this is a load of rubbish! The bot of paper my marriage certificate was written all made zero difference when my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second daughter! 😏 it is literally a bit of paper that does not make your relationship anymore commited or secure than not having it. I have been with my DP 12 years. We have 2 children together and we are as committed to each other as any other couple who may have the piece of paper. Commitment comes from within, not from a bit of paper.

I wouldn't marry him. He really comes across terribly because of his behaviour. I honestly hope his behaviour is grief related, and he isn't a prick moving forward. I certainly wouldn't marry him if you have assets. Marriage brings a level of protection if you have a child and decide to become the SAHP. It means you won't end up with in event of a divorce. It's also helpful in the event of death. Although, on the birth of your child you should both write wills. When you do that, be mindful of how you distribute your assets on death. My friend recently got £0 because her mum died and left all to her dad. Dad remarried and left everything to step mum. Step mum died recently and left everything to her bio kids.

I think it depends on the women's situation. If she has more assets than him it might not be in her best interests. Unless he can match them. I know a few people who won't marry because they don't want to risk their assets. They would prefer their kids to get 100% rather than a partner to potentially take a large lump in a divorce.

@Youwho2 I completely get that if you are a stay at home parent for financial security etc but the poster made it sound like in every case it's the best thing and I just can't see how, especially when financially I am way better off and own my own property while being in a much higher paying career and have really 0 intentions on being a stay at home parent, nothing against that of course! but rushing into a marriage just so you're married before having a baby, I don't understand and I don't understand the "I'd never have a baby unless I was married" so really the options in my circumstances where I was on contraception but it did still happen means the 2 options there are rush a marriage or abort a baby to fit that statement, just don't get it personally! I know it wasn't you saying it but just adding so I don't have to reply twice haha

If you're the higher earner / have more assets, then given his attitude, i definitely wouldn't be marrying him & id also be giving my daughter my surname.

He's showing you who he is Op, so believe him & don't make yourself vulnerable in any way.

I think give her Wilhelmina as her official first name but just use the name Willow. If she grows up not suiting the name Willow then they can swap it to Mina. As PP mentioned, the name Willow might seem a bit weird depending on her stature or personality.

Otherwise perhaps Heather is an easier name to live with, but has a similar feel to Willow?

I am definitely a believer in the saying marry in haste and repent at leisure. I wouldn't marry in your situation.

My husband and I started on a very equal footing. TBH, after all the years we've been together, I worry about my future assets. My siblings and I have been willed a significant amount of money. I know inheritance guaranteed and am actually encouraging may parents to spend not save. However, I feel that they have worked to secure my future and my children's. Not my husband's.

Agree

Wtf?
The OP has clearly stated several times that she hates the name Wilhelmina. Would tolerate it as a middle for her partner's feelings, but that's it.

Willow Billie is perfect! There's your compromise!

This was my thought.

So she can be called Willy Billy?

I am definitely a believer in the saying marry in haste and repent at leisure. I wouldn't marry in your situation.

My husband and I started on a very equal footing. TBH, after all the years we've been together, I worry about my future assets. My siblings and I have been willed a significant amount of money. I know inheritance guaranteed and am actually encouraging may parents to spend not save. However, I feel that they have worked to secure my future and my children's. Not my husband's.

Sorry don't want to derail the thread but @Youwho2 you needn't worry about this. Just pop to a solicitor and make a will stating where you'd like your assets to go in the event of your death. You can have a small clause excluding your husband or just a share to your husband (if that's what you're worried about)

@StBrides its not big and its not clever!!!! Made me laugh though .....

I sometimes wonder if men do this so you are so worried and worn down that you agree to what they want thinking its a compromise when they really get what they originally wanted.

If I were you I would refuse to talk to him about it. He can find out after the baby is registered what her name is! I would also see his controlling and uncaring attitude to the names, and his using his bereavement as a manipulation, as a massive red flag. I would use my surname!

'Willow Billie' is awful.