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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
HamstersAreMyLife · 20/08/2023 21:10

I used to know a wilhemina who shortened to Mina. Perhaps that as a middle would work? Tbh though it's not a fight I would pick as a deal breaker.

dinoice · 20/08/2023 21:12

Agree with others. Willow Mina. Lovely.

whatsinanameeh · 20/08/2023 21:12

BiIIie · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think I'd be pushing for a compromise of Willow Mina as first and middle name. The both names would still very much be a tribute to your late MIL.

Absolutely love this

DrDaedalus · 20/08/2023 21:12

I do not think your baby's ame should just be your decision.

You choose the first name, he chooses the middle. Of you have any more DC, you can swap.

Not sure names ever go together. The name is fine and a lovely way to honour the child's grandmother.

Pick your surname.

TillyHeadtilt · 20/08/2023 21:14

Wilhelmina is a fantastic name. Willow isn't. If I were you, I'd call her Wilhelmina as her first name, and then you can call her Willo(w) if you want to.
One problem with Willow is that it is not really going to work on a girl who's short and stout, or a fatty. I'd avoid it for that reason alone.

Youwho2 · 20/08/2023 21:17

WIllow Wilhelmina sounds ridiculous. I would call her Wilhelmina and have her nickname as Willow. Its not really good as a middle name unless your never going to use it.

I would do Wilhelmina Hope surname

DarkDarkNight · 20/08/2023 21:17

YANBU. I think of Frank Lampard’s daughter with Christine Bleakley being called Patricia after his mum. I’m sorry, but you don’t need to saddle your child with a name you think is hideous to honour a grandparent.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 21:19

not to be mean but everyone likes different names and it isn't surprising that if you love wilhelmina you don't like willow as they are quite different. personally i could not have her be called wilhelmina, i dislike it enough as a middle name... let alone have it as her first name. i would rather settle on our second name on the list and have it as her middle name.

just asked him about mina (as i quite like it) and have been told that it isn't her name... and i may as well just pick something unrelated if we aren't going to use the actual name Confused seems he is dead set on using the actual name only

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 20/08/2023 21:19

Having seen the update how about Willa instead of Willow? It’s similar to enough to Willow you may like it, and you can claim it’s inspired by Wilhelmina.

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 21:20

DarkDarkNight · 20/08/2023 21:17

YANBU. I think of Frank Lampard’s daughter with Christine Bleakley being called Patricia after his mum. I’m sorry, but you don’t need to saddle your child with a name you think is hideous to honour a grandparent.

Yeah I always think what an awful name it is (well just so dated and not a name that’s timeless, like my name). Wonder what they call her? Surely not Pat?

Cascade39 · 20/08/2023 21:21

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:29

wasn't sure on posting the name but did name change just in case it came up. name is wilhelmina and we had decided on willow as her first name... i really don't like them together and i really do not like wilhelmina but i don't want to be awful and if it is genuinely really bad to say no, i will obviously have to suck it up and go with it and i think reading the opinions on others will definitely make me feel better about that if that is the case

Why don't you just use Mina?

StampOnTheGround · 20/08/2023 21:24

YANBU, my dad is dead and we didn't use his name as a middle name - as much as I would have loved to, it didn't go well and changed the whole dynamic of the name.

Womencanlift · 20/08/2023 21:26

If you are not married and giving the child his name then what about using your surname as the middle name. That’s what all my unmarried friends have done for their children.

Some have done it because they have no intention of getting married so wanted both names represented (but didn’t want double barrelled) and some said they thought it would be easier when they travelled any time abroad without the father

CR7 · 20/08/2023 21:26

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 20/08/2023 20:34

Sorry op it is only a middle name and if it would mean the world to your dh l think you should use it

Exactly the same. We will be middle-naming our baby with her late grandmas name (if she's a girl). It's not my favourite name in the world but it means so much to my husband I wouldn't dream of saying no. And I think it would come across as quite callous to say that you don't like the name. I'm not sure if you still have your mum around but I know my husband is desperately sad that his mum will never meet his child. It's such a small sacrifice to make, OP, given the circumstances.

CR7 · 20/08/2023 21:27

Gazelda · 20/08/2023 20:48

My DM died when I was very young.

When DD was born, I told DH that she would be given my mums name as her middle name and that I'd compromise on everything else.

If he'd tried to change my mind on something so simple yet important, I'd have honestly lost a lot of affection and respect for him.

Couldn't agree more

Middleagedmeangirls · 20/08/2023 21:29

@Zanatdy

they could call her Pat, Patty, Patsy, Trish, Tricia, Trixie

Half my family are Patrick/ Patricia or Padraig. The range of diminutives and nicknames available is extensive.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 20/08/2023 21:30

Willow Wilhelmina just gives me Stefan Stefansson vibes, like Robbie rotton from lazy town.

CR7 · 20/08/2023 21:31

Just reading further posts and I understand why shortening the name doesn't work for your husband. Some would say no one is more important to you than your mum (not in every case of course) and trying to shorten / alter the name to suit you and not him does seem a bit heartless.

Youwho2 · 20/08/2023 21:31

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 21:19

not to be mean but everyone likes different names and it isn't surprising that if you love wilhelmina you don't like willow as they are quite different. personally i could not have her be called wilhelmina, i dislike it enough as a middle name... let alone have it as her first name. i would rather settle on our second name on the list and have it as her middle name.

just asked him about mina (as i quite like it) and have been told that it isn't her name... and i may as well just pick something unrelated if we aren't going to use the actual name Confused seems he is dead set on using the actual name only

I think you should veto it all together then. He doesn't want to compromise at all. You should at least like the name your child has. I think you need to go back to the drawing board. Honestly I wish I fought more for my daughters name. I wanted Arya he wanted Aria. I wanted double barrel surnames and ge was hugely offended. I think by the end of the pregnancy i was exhausted and just let him have his own way.

FannyCann · 20/08/2023 21:32

Why not have a third name, so Willow Somethingorother Wilhemina
That would break up the alliteration and sound better.
Since she won't be called by her middle name it really doesn't matter.
My DD1 has MiL's name as a middle name as she died shortly before DD. It's nice to have that family connection.

sandyhappypeople · 20/08/2023 21:32

OP, NO ONE ACTUALLY USES A MIDDLE NAME! It honestly does not matter what it is, and I may be the odd one out here, but I actually really like Willow Wilhelmina anyway, it's got a nice flow to it, .. as long as your last name is Wilson of course.

I think you're being unreasonable personally, I wanted my daughters middle name to be my late mums name, she never had a granddaughter, only grandsons, I'd have been really quite sad if my DH was like you are being, which is to make excuses and try to change it because you just don't like it, when it honestly doesn't matter as no one will ever know it or use it.

What was his mother known as? Did everyone refer to her as Wilhelmina?

MockneyReject · 20/08/2023 21:33

I was going to say the same as everyone else. I would use Wilhelmina as her registered name, and call her Willow (although I much prefer Willa, as in Willa Cather).
But, you're right, it is a very different 'vibe'.
The Willow Mina suggestion is perfect, but I see DP doesn't agree.
The Wilhelmina I know, goes by Mena. I personally prefer Mena/Mina/Willa/Wilhelmina over Willow, but it doesn't matter what I think. You and DP need to agree, and that's going to mean a compromise.
As it's your first child, are you aware of just how popular Willow is? And does that bother you?
What's the second choice name?

FabFitFifties · 20/08/2023 21:33

He's being ridiculous not to accept Willow Mina. He wants his own way entirely,regardless of whether it sounds ridiculous - has he heard of the word compromise? Willow Rose Mina is beautiful to my ear.

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 20/08/2023 21:34

Naming a baby after a dead relative comes with a lot of baggage. You're allowed to say no.

electriclight · 20/08/2023 21:34

I think YABU. It will be a little-used middle name, but has huge significance to your DP. I do not understand why 'wanting to love the name' is considered more important than honouring his mother. Give her two middle names and it will hardly ever be used.

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