Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to having dp's mum's name as middle name

532 replies

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 20:23

dp and i are due our baby girl at the end of sep and he wants his late mum's name to be her middle name. the name we both agreed on just does not go with it at all and it makes me hate the name and so he said we should just pick the second name we liked then but i don't like it as much and honestly his late mum's name is really quite bad (no offence to her at all) but i want to love our daughter's name... i think he doesn't even consider it not being there as she has passed and has always been what he has known middle names to be. he says if we have another girl she can have my mum's name in the middle, which i wouldn't want either. aibu to say no?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 20/08/2023 22:03

Willow Mina is lovely

Mini blondes had my mum and dh mum names as middle names as both died before she was born

FeigningConcern · 20/08/2023 22:04

thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 21:59

@FeigningConcern how on earth is it me not willing to compromise but yet you haven't said that about my dp? like yeah, if we were adding in 2 middle names i would want to do the double barrelled surname as i have already said i would take his name on marriage so we are not left with a 20 letter surname... there is me compromising already and he has not. then with her name, I have suggested mina (again, me compromising) and he has said no. i do not mind him being set on the name, hence i have said we will have to go for our second choice but to say i am the one not compromising but having no issue with him not, when he is the one actually not, is pretty double standards tbh!

I don't think using a different name is compromising personally.

And he's not insisting the name is a first name. Just that he wants his late mum's name as a middle name. Not sure how much more he could compromise really as I agree with him that using a different name is pointless. You might as well not bother.

The reason I focussed on you compromising is that you can pick a first name you like, no one will use the middle name ever so it's really not that important (except to your DH because it will be his mum's name), and there's lots of options for you to get that middle name in. So lots of ways for you to find a compromise.

Just my thoughts though. You asked for opinions!

2chocolateoranges · 20/08/2023 22:04

I wouldn’t agree to use a name that I didn’t love.

we both agreed on first names that we both loved, he got to give the children his surname (we were married and I had taken his family name) so I got to choose the middle name which is my mums middle name.

dh wanted his mums name as part of our dds name too, I refused as it’s extremely old fashioned and I grew up with a horrid middle name which I hate. So there was no chance it was happening. Anyway one of his nieces had her name as their middle name.

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 20/08/2023 22:04

Pinkea · 20/08/2023 20:31

Willow as a first name 100% changes things, actually! That’s the tribute to her (and is lovely tbh).

This!

Velvian · 20/08/2023 22:05

Don't give dd your DP's last name. You are not married yet and there is no guarantee that it will happen after DD is born. You can change it after marriage, you'll need to re-register your DD after marriage anyway.

TrainedByCats · 20/08/2023 22:05

I’d go for Willow Yasmina then family can use Willow Mina if they want and honestly thats as far as I’d go to compromise. Wilhelmina is an awful name for a child to learn to spell

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:06

@FeigningConcern but the first name he has to like too... so overall, i am the one compromising more than him with regards to the name... so just felt harsh for you to make out i have to compromise, when i am already doing so more than he is

OP posts:
clpsmum · 20/08/2023 22:06

No I agree with you that doesn't go at all. Could you use her middle name/surname/maiden name/nickname instead?

BalloonsInWater · 20/08/2023 22:07

Olive Wilhelmina YourSurname then

FWIW there is an olive and two willows in our nursery class

Scottishskifun · 20/08/2023 22:08

Was she known to her friends as anything shorter?

DS2 has FIL as a middle name (also passed away) as we had a long first name we used the shortened version of Ben instead of Benjamin so it flowed better and less of a mouthful with 2 long names.
Could that be a option for you? I would say if she used a shortened version with friends then it is her name.

porridgeisbae · 20/08/2023 22:08

Some PPs's suggestion of Willow Mina is a great compromise I think.

I agree that it's your DH that isn't compromising.

MeetMyCat · 20/08/2023 22:09

Saddling someone with the name “Willow Wilhelmina” is just ridiculous. No matter whose choice it is.

Very true. Poor child!

Brotherlove · 20/08/2023 22:10

Teapot13 · 20/08/2023 20:59

Wilhelmina rocks! Use it as first name and call her Willow for short.

Do this. Wilhelmina is so cool.

Meadowflower2023 · 20/08/2023 22:10

so was tempted to just give her his so hers never needs to change but then marriage isn't really in the near future so kind of want her to share mine until then so really don't know!

I'm shocked that given his insistence on your DDs name that this would even be an option with your DP (to give her your surname)

Willow and Olive are both lovely names btw. What a predicament! Good luck and keep us posted on what you decide.

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:10

Youwho2 · 20/08/2023 21:31

I think you should veto it all together then. He doesn't want to compromise at all. You should at least like the name your child has. I think you need to go back to the drawing board. Honestly I wish I fought more for my daughters name. I wanted Arya he wanted Aria. I wanted double barrel surnames and ge was hugely offended. I think by the end of the pregnancy i was exhausted and just let him have his own way.

Show quote history

This is so unfair: he doesn’t want to compromise on the one thing he’s asked for which is to include his dead mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name. It’s the most natural and understandable request imaginable when naming one’s child. He hasn’t asked for the first name, he’s just asked for a middle, which is nothing and so easily granted . So many people have middle names that are never used / heard of again. I don’t like my middle name, I couldn’t care less.

its OP who won’t compromise. She won’t have Willow Wilhelmina , she won’t include an extra name in the middle to break up the two “w”s (eg willow rose Wilhelmina) and she won’t accept a second choice first name.

Utterly heartless about something that is obviously so important and meaningful to her partner. I can’t imagine being like this. My partner has asked to include his late grandfather’s name in our baby’s name. I can’t stand the name and wouldn’t be happy with the idea as a first name, but no chance I would refuse it as a middle. I can’t even imagine even questioning such a request in the case of a late mother.

hulahooper2 · 20/08/2023 22:12

How about Willow Mina?

Skinthin · 20/08/2023 22:12

FeigningConcern · 20/08/2023 22:04

I don't think using a different name is compromising personally.

And he's not insisting the name is a first name. Just that he wants his late mum's name as a middle name. Not sure how much more he could compromise really as I agree with him that using a different name is pointless. You might as well not bother.

The reason I focussed on you compromising is that you can pick a first name you like, no one will use the middle name ever so it's really not that important (except to your DH because it will be his mum's name), and there's lots of options for you to get that middle name in. So lots of ways for you to find a compromise.

Just my thoughts though. You asked for opinions!

Show quote history

Exactly this

Viviennemary · 20/08/2023 22:12

I think you should just use the name under the circumstances. As it obviously means a lot to your DH.

Original poster
thunderthunder3 · 20/08/2023 22:13

said to dp maybe we do just go for olive wilhelmina then and he is saying how he prefers willow... i think i am going to head to bed. what a headfuck. i actually said to him how about we do willow (the female name of my surname) wilhelmina and then his surname and he is saying how we already agreed that 4 names in total is too much. so i have said fine we will go for my surname until we are married then and he is complaining i am just saying this now to make a point about having to use wilhelmina. i have genuinely had enough for one night, to the point i even told him to tell me what first name off our original list he would pick then if he doesn't want olive now and has told me willow. i seriously just don't want willow wilhelmina and that is the only criteria i bloody have anymore.

i really do appreciate the replies and help, but think i need a rest from it for the night before i send myself into early labour Grin

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 20/08/2023 22:14

Willow is lovely. Did she use that name? In which case sorted

but you can’t call her Willow Whilhelmina.

KarmaStar · 20/08/2023 22:14

Yes Yabu to not compromise.She's not just your baby.
Have some compassion.

StillWantingADog · 20/08/2023 22:15

Btw if it helps my dh and I couldn’t agree on middle names for either ds so they both have two middle names.
it really doesn’t matter at all, nobody outside our immediate family even knows what they are.

ItLooksLikeChickenSoItMustBeChicken · 20/08/2023 22:15

I think you're being rather unkind and unreasonable. Your partner's mum is dead, so he's feeling sad that she's not here to ever see this baby. What harm could it do to have his late mum's name as a middle name for your child? Nobody ever uses the middle name anyway.

bullywee · 20/08/2023 22:15

Nina for short?

JenWillsiam · 20/08/2023 22:17

I would say no.

she will presumably have his mothers surname. We had middle name from my family because they got his family surname.

Swipe left for the next trending thread