To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

Good luck with this one🫡

I was the other woman too when I was in my late teens and early 20s, with a man who was 15 years older.

I am not the person now I was then, and that affair was the biggest regret of my life. I hate myself for who I was. Being young I thought an older man wanting to be with me when he had a wife made me special and I also had the mindset of “I’m winning”. I was vile and I hate who I was then. I even lost my virginity to him and that sucks too.

He never ended up leaving her for me but they did split because of me. I have Facebook stalked her over the years and she has moved on and looks happy, and I keep hoping and praying she has a happy life now. She didn’t deserve it at all, but at the time I believed the “my wife abuses me” arguments. I have no contact with him at all so I don’t have the same issues as you in terms of having DC, but all I can suggest is focus on being a good person today and treating other people well and kindly. That’s all I can do.

I agree ☝️ I totally deserve it

Oh Lord. Tin hat on OP because there'll be a rake of MNers along in a bit telling you how awful you are and you don't deserve your own pity party.

However.

Your maturity and emotional maturity have changed drastically since then and in every stage of life I think everyone looks back at their younger selves and says what the fuck was I doing!!!!

You're no different but obviously the cost of what happened and what you and DH did is quite a bit bigger. This is an awful lot of guilt to hold on yourself - have you spoken to DH about it? Have you shared how you feel? You weren't the only party here, he decided to walk away from his first wife and their children. I think it's important to distinguish that while you don't regret your DH and your children, the circumstances around you meeting is regrettable.

I wouldn't blame you for wanting to reach out to older kids. What I would say is to think very carefully about that and maybe consider therapy for yourself because, if you reach out and they reject you, I think it would be helpful to have some professional help to navigate through that. I say this because, as you can imagine, emotions between parents and children and that parent and their spouse can run spectacularly high in these situations.

If you're opting for chopping water, you're going to need a blood good anchor.

It's just a regret you will have to learn to live with unfortunately. I'm not going to berate you and tell you how what you did was wrong. There's really no point in that now, it doesn't change anything. All you can do is try to make peace with the decisions you both made and try move forward

@otherwomanregrets
Sometimes when we make the deal with the devil so to speak, we may not always have the best views or we are trying to do the best with the situation at hand, yes always be wary that your current partner could have an affair.
That said I can understand your perspectives op, but sometimes we can only or try to do what we thing is the best at the time.

In all seriousness, what did you think was going to happen? I mean you got your happily ever after but it was always going to be tainted. You must have known that. The fact the older children have nothing to do with your DH is on him. He cheated on their mother. He made a choice to tear his family apart. You were part of that but it was his choice to make.

Imstruggle to feel any empathy whatsoever. This is the bed you made.

My relationship started in a similar way. We don't have kids together, it he does from his previous relationship. I don't have anything much to do with them as im not interested in them and they aren't in me. Their relationship with their dad is ok, but it's his responsibility to,keep it going and nothing to do with me.

We had an affair for about a year before he left her for me. I never asked him to, I left it to him to decide and he decided he wanted to be with me. Im sure there was a bit of drama at the time, but he a,ways saw our relationship as separate to that one and so didn't involve me in what was happening during the split.

We've been together about 3 years now. I do believe that he was unhappy with her and had only stayed so long because of the kids. The ins and outs of their past is irrelevant to me and our present and future.

We too are very well matched and have a strong relationship and love for each other. He is my soulmate and I am his. We will eventually get married, but neither of us are bothered. Neither of us are tempted by other people.

OP whatever people like to think, people who are happy in their relationship don't have affairs. We all know that it is better to split with someone before finding another person, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way and when that happens why turn down a chance of happiness just because society says it's wrong to have an overlap.

You have a good, happy marriage. Try and concentrate on what you have got rather than how you got together. That is now inconsequential.

@HowToSaveAWife

I completely know posters will pile on me for what I did and I completely deserve it so I won't try and defend myself as there is no defence

I guess I just wanted to write it down, I never have before

I never would reach out to his DC / exw as they would not want to hear from the person who ruined their life ...I've done enough damage. I just hope and pray they're happy now and having a good life

I have spoken to H before about it but I don't want to keep raking over the past

Unfortunately the ongoing pain you BOTH caused his wife and children will always taint your own set-up, and in a way that's good because it shows you're a decent human being now.
The only thing you can do is find a way to come to terms with it. What's done is done.

He's the one who chose to leave his family.

The fact he left within 8 weeks suggests that he really was not happy.

As long as he supported his kids throughout the years, and was fair in the overall settlement, he acted in his best interests.

Don't beat yourself up. It's not ideal but not the end of the world either.

It's 16 years. It worked out OK. Let it go

I also see what a good dad he is to all our dc inc my first child who is his step dc and how much they love him and then I think well he's not a good dad is he as he left his prev DC!

Well I’m glad you feel shit. I hope you spend your time worrying that he’ll do the same to you, after all why wouldn’t he? If having an affair is how he deals with life.

I’ve recently found out my DH had an affair and its completely torn apart my life. The one person I trusted is no longer the person I thought he was. I don’t know who he is, now. My safe person has gone. It’s torn my world apart, everything is now questionable, everything I thought was safe has disappeared. I feel like my self worth and confidence is on the floor. And you know what? The OW doesn’t even want him. He’s destroyed his family life and well-being for nothing.

If it were me your apology would mean nothing and I would tell you to fuck off. They owe you nothing. Don’t place your guilt on to someone else. It’s your problem to live with.

Seriously? Not sure what the purpose of this post is. I left my 10’year marriage 20 years ago to be with my DH. He was married too. Yes it was traumatic, yes people were hurt but you only get one life and it was the right decision for both of us. It does make things more complicated but it’s not ‘tainted’. Perhaps you just don’t really love him.

You're happy now, they'd have moved on, honestly not worth torturing yourself over. At least you're still together and didn't wreck a marriage for nothing, as it goes though it was his ultimate choice to act as he did, he couldn't have loved his ex wife much at the point he cheated.

Lots of people do things when they’re younger that, with the wisdom of age they would never have done. However, there’s a certain lack of moral integrity that goes along with affairs; the deception, the betrayal and the abject disregard for the impact on others that makes it seem somehow worse than other “mistakes”, particularly as there’s a premeditated element. As the OW you didn’t cover yourself in glory, sure. But really it was your husband who broke his vows. Who didn’t do the decent thing and leave BEFORE moving on. If his marriage was destined to fail anyway it’s really a shame that he imploded it and wrecked his relationships with his other children all because he couldn’t just be honest. And in this you have your part to play too.
Feeling guilty is the price you have to pay. You got off lightly really by the sounds of it so maybe call time on your pity party.

I don't think there is any way to not feel guilty. Your happiness is built on the destruction of the lives of three innocent people, feeling guilty is the natural response to this.

Does your DH feel any guilt or regret at all?

He always supported his DC paid over and above maintenance

He still does send money to his DC even though they're an adult as they have DC now and their own house etc. it is never acknowledged by them but he wants to and he feels it is right . As if they were in his life he'd do same

yes people were hurt but you only get one life and it was the right decision for both of us

the way to dismiss others is chilling. We’re talking children growing up without a father. Grandchildren who will never know their grandfather. A huge, gaping hole in the family left behind. But it’s OK ‘cos it all worked out OK for you?

I really do love him. I've thought about leaving him over the years purely out of the guilt I feel but I couldn't do it.

I'm not going to shit on you, most of us wouldn't make the same decision we did when young.

Did he have a relationship with them while they were growing up?

That's very sad. You're not alone in living with regret which shows how much you have matured; you take responsibility for your actions. I'm sure your husband feels the same.

However, we cannot undo the past, only commit to not repeating the bad things. We have to live in the present.

It is far harder for any of us to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. Just remember you, and no doubt he, were young. You have a good life now and a family, try to concentrate on that.

I hope your husband's ex-wife also found happiness and that her children grew up happy.

Exactly

I don't think he does feel that guilty, no. When we've talked about it he just says he was so unhappy when he was married before. and while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.

He says he regrets even meeting his first wife and wishes he could have met me first. Kind of impossible though as I'm 10 years younger and he got married early 20s I think