To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

Are you seriously trying to tell me that ex wives don’t influence their children…….

Be realistic!

This! Yes, what you did wasn’t ideal but tbh, all the posters saying you deserve to feel shit sound pretty horrible to me.

I agree and while I wish there was a way they could know how sorry I am, that's why I would not do it

I think he needs to apologise to them and I've told him this

He never has and now it's probably too late

You change so much once you are in your 30s, unfortunately you did what you did and people got hurt, but you will have to move on from the regret feeling as there isn't much you can do now. It's a shame he hasn't managed to rebuild his relationship with his children though, has he even tried?

Do you suffer from anxiety generally?

Its not all your fault. There are lots of families who started this way, and the adults manage to make it work for the kids. Who decided your husband shouldn’t have contact with his older two?

If you’ve been together 16 years and you’re both happy and committed, then leaving him and breaking up another family is madness, frankly.

Just enjoy what you have, the past doesn’t exist and more. Maybe encourage your husband to build bridges with his older children.

I don't think you deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life, OP. I think it's natural that you feel regret and I'm not sure there's a "cure" for guilt. But, whilst you played your part, you weren't the one who abandoned your wife and child.

Until the day he dies, your husband is a man who abandoned his children and is estranged from them because he chose to be, ultimately. He could have changed his course, left his marriage if it was unhappy but cooled things with you and not started a new family immediately, and focused on his existing children instead. He didn't. He chose this. And the fact that he can apparently enjoy a happy and peaceful life with his second batch of kids, even whilst his older children aren't part of his life, speaks volumes about his character. He should have been fighting with every fibre of his being to stay in their lives and be their father. But he wasn't. He was busy creating a new family with you. Even pretending to be a father to your older child! Perhaps part of the reason you feel the way you do, is because you know really that this isn't a good man. That his life is a charade, really. That the "devoted family man" act is just that: an act.

He's not someone I would even have the time of day for, let alone be married to. He's just another deadbeat.

Totally agree!

*any more.

I do understand how you can never trust each other and the fact that he has been a terrible father must play on your mind OP. I don't think there is any way to overcome this other than just accept that's who he is.

You could have met someone who was not married and they could still turn out to be a cheat and terrible father, there are no guarantees. Just try to make the best of what you have now as there's obviously no way to change the past.

You have a child with a man who has actually stated that he would rather lose contact with his children than be in an unhappy relationship...yeah, I wouldn't be feeling secure and comfortable either OP.

I don't take any pleasure in your unhappiness, but I can't pretend to understand what makes someone like you tick. You must know he isn't a good person - and you must know you aren't, either. Living with that knowledge must be awful.

I think it’s good that you understand the
long term consequences of your actions but if it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else because no one has an affair if they’re happily married.

It is sad that your DH has not had a relationship with his older DC and tbh I’d be expecting him to still be trying with them and not just have given up. If they’re adults now they’re definitely old enough to understand better what happened even if they don’t like it.

That said you need to acknowledge that it happened and move on. Don’t let it ruin the rest of your life or your children’s.

Knowing how your own relationship happened, have you always totally trusted your DH or have you always been a tad wary?

What makes you think it was a load of crap that he was unhappy when he left? Given he did leave, I would have thought it was true.

I think what you're feeling is guilt rather than regret, or at least it should be. If you regretted it you'd have to wish away your children, which I'm sure you wouldn't, so it might give you some comfort to remind yourself you cannot have any actual regrets about this.

And it isn't his fault he doesn't see his kids. He made the choice to leave, it's his fault, potentially partially their mothers if she's alienated them. But it isn't yours.

Rather than guilty, do you not feel incredibly stupid? You ended up with the booby prize, a man who can only be a good dad when he’s ‘happy’. Hope you manage to keep him happy forever, or your poor kids could pay the price.

If I were the ex I’d be laughing at you now tbh.

I think you’ve echoed what the OP had said, so not sure your point?

Staying “fir the sake of the children” is bullshit and often toxic!

I wonder if they actually think you ruined their life?

The woman/women who “ruined” my life, have really got the shitty end of the stick, and I have been know to toast my good fortune that she removed a shitty stick from my life.
Similarly with the kids, he wasn’t/isn’t worth the effort of maintaining a relationship with.
They might well be laughing at you, and agree that you are made for one another.

Other people have said it, but you have to make peace with your choices, including the man who has fathered your younger kids. Maybe he’ll stay, maybe he’ll leave, who knows? What does he say about it- from this distance you see your actions as out of character for who you are today, but what about him: we’re his actions out of character, or try to type to the man he is now?

I also had an affair. I destroyed my family over it. It made no sense and I deeply regret it. You at least have a family and a good relationship out the back of this.
The guilt will kill you. It consumes you. I strongly recommend counselling. It really helped me. I accept the part I played and I accept the consequences of what has happened. I am sorry for it but I can't turn back time and all I can do is be the best I can be from now on.
We are judged by our mistakes (especially here!) But we should judge by our ability to learn from these. You sound like you have grown significantly but honestly what help would breaking up your family now give you? Please seek support and help from someone who is trained to do so. I fear mn is not the place for this!

Don't be hard on yourself. Our younger selves are sometimes completely different to our mature selves.
I don't know if I would have got on with my younger self. 😶

Well, I'm a lone parent of a child with additional needs. No support. Because their dad was cheating on me with someone like you then fucked off to live with her and raise her kids. Pays absolutely nothing for my child. I now live solely for my child. I no longer have a life or friends, because I have no support with my child thanks to him.

So on behalf of the woman he left behind for you, who could well have ended up with a similar life to my own. I've absolutely no sympathy whatsoever and hope you continue to feel like shit. But you can act like it doesn't bother you, you clearly posted this hoping people would say 'oh it was a long time ago, times have changed, blah blah'. Not for the other person.

This is a dad who will be raising and seeing someone else's kid meanwhile his own child will be ferried back and forth for days and nights without his dad while this stranger's child gets his father 24/7 meanwhile his own kid will be at best 50% with his dad. Of course I'd be angry. Dad leaves my own mother for an affair of 8 weeks, leaving us poorer and without him at least half the week to raise someone else's kid? wtf.

Where as this makes the OP sound fantastic.

If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman

I’m the wife in this situation my children are grown up and my DH has fairly recently left me for another women. My DC’s will never speak to him again it’s their choice I’ve tried to prevent them from doing this but they are appalled at the way my ex DH has behaved and the total lack misery he’s caused me. Leave them alone please, don’t reach out you will not be welcome.
Move on the decision has been made and you cannot go back and change it or make it better you and your DH did what you did and you have to live with the consequences of your actions.
Someone famous once said “marrying the mistress only creates a vacancy” maybe not for every marriage but some men are serial philanders and exceedingly good liars!

Should say total misery he’s caused me.

OPs DH paid maintenance above required and did have a relationship with the DC, but that ended when the DC decided.

Relationships break down all the time, it it doesn’t mean that it needs to be like you’ve experienced and it often isn’t.