To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

My inlaws have been married for over 30 years. She was the OW (then second wife) and still worries the family think badly of her.

I don't think it ever leaves you.

Maybe consider writing the ex wife a letter apologising but not sure how that would go down.

Oh god don't do this. Your husband was not happy in that marriage. He is happy with you. You have a life together and I imagine you have now been together longer or at least as long as the first marriage.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. The kid could have gone NC with their father anyway, whether you came on the scene or not. Either way, it's not your responsibility to facilitate his relationship with his older child.

I am glad it helped you. I, on the other hand, found it yet another unsolicited, unwanted intrusion into my life.

I don't think I could forgive my dad for leaving us for a fling of 8 weeks and for raising someone else's kid instead of his own flesh and blood.

I think the problem is that you made a series of mistakes and as a mother of mid 20s you weren't that green in life experience to not understand. I don't think your age is an excuse. Of course you have matured now but even back then you could and should have seen the consequences but adulterers are selfish they only think of themselves first and foremost.

I don't believe in Karma bs because it could be said the first wife got a karma for cheating on him which is a never ending cycle of BS so he might not cheat on you but you do take some of the burden for what happened although he is proportionally more to blame because he was their dad and he was her husband.

Even if there weren't any kids adulterers don't think how they will justify to next relationship that they have a history of cheating or being with cheaters, that their last relation was with a taken person... they just think their story is special and unique and they never think of the knock on effect of their actions. Because of what you've done you've broken a home, you've broken her heart and ability to trust, you destroyed children's relationship with their father. He is to blame even more but I'm directng my words to you because you are the poster, not him. Just a disclaimer for all the OW on here who love to cry misogyny.

Why is this all YOUR fault op and not his? Do you often take the blame for his failings?

He married and had kids. He apparently was unhappy. Instead of leaving or going to therapy etc. he decided to screw some young pretty thing he decided he preferred.

Instead of going shit what did I do, let's face up to this and fox things, he allowed himself to develop feelings for you and he chose to leave his wife and kids.
You don't mention the ins and outs but he didn't invest enough in his relationship with his kids to keep it going.
Instead of accepting the kids needed time to adjust, he intentionally got the other woman pregnant, without thinking how this would devestate the people he should love most - his kids. He rounded off that cherry pie by proposing - was his divorce even final?
He's subsequently not fought for his kids to the point you're now all NC and he's the reason his kids will grow up not knowing each other.

What you did is obviously terrible, but the feelings of those involved weren't your responsibility to protect.

I'd honestly get some therapy to work out why this is something YOU did to everyone and if that's how the rest of your life works.

I mean, you feel guilty... yeah well too bad. that's for you to deal with like his ex and children are also dealing with their own feelings from your and your husband's actions. Hope it was worth it.

When a relationship ends, it dies not mean the children lose a father, it doesn’t need to be like that.

I am currently witnessing a relationship breakdown. It’s like death by a 1000 cuts, they are literally tearing each other apart, it’s toxic, it’s not good for their child. I wish one of them would leave, if they had an affair it would force the situation. These two people do not love each other anymore! They are not parenting well, no matter what they think!

We all come here to learn.you have learnt.
There is little point going over and over it now ,blaming yourself,you can't change the past.Live in the now as much as you can and leave the past where it belongs.
If the previous marriage was meant to be it would have lasted.
What is meant to be will be.forgive yourself and move forward with gratitude.
Your husband's child and ex will find their own paths,maybe she is happier now,maybe his dc will make contact,you don't know but let it go now.

Do you not worry if he did the same to you he would abandon your kids as well?

Let it go, it's not you who needs to feel the guilt or deep regret.

You have to look forward in life OP.

Yes you did a seriously shit thing. You aren’t the only person to do that. You now realise what you did and you aren’t the person you were.

Your duty now is to your 3 kids and the life you and your husband have now.

As you say, no good could come of you reaching out to his ex and kids - it would be very wrong to invade their privacy. I hope you husband has contacted his kids enough that they know he’s here if they ever do need contact.

We all carry baggage in life so please don’t go on with idea your relationship is ‘tainted’ - that isn’t fair on your kids. It’s also creating drama where there doesn’t need to be, your relationship had a shitty start, but you have clearly built something good. It’s not an excuse, but the fact your husband left in a few weeks would indicate his marriage was not in a good place.

It sounds like you need to work through some stuff, and I think creating this post was part of that - you know you are going to get criticised and people taking their issues out on you.

That’s a bit of a red flag that you could be about to do some damaging stuff in your own life, so please be aware of this and go and see a therapist to work it through. Of course you should talk to your husband, but as you say, really digging up the past could damage your family now.

Take all this to a therapist where it can be managed safely. UKCP is a good place to find one. Have initial chats with 3 to 6 to find the right person.

When a relationship ends, it dies not mean the children lose a father, it doesn’t need to be like that

and yet, in this case being discussed, that was the case.

why any half decent parent would put their children in a situation whereby they might feel the need to choose one parent over the other is beyond me.

daliesque - you words represent everything that shows the selfish mindset of thos who have affairs. Your casua disrespect for his children and the effects this has had on their innocent lives is repulsive.

OP- he is not a good Dad -will not ever be. He had children and walked away from them. They do not want to have anything to do with him evena fter this long suggests he did a lot more bad when his marriage finished.

He made a choice and he abandoned his DCs- no parent worth anything does that. He is one unbelievably selfish individual.

Your guilt is your guilt -your happy marriage does not justify, equalise your actions. You and your DCs are OK - the harm you have both done to his other DCS is not justified. And there will be more harm to come - when he fails to recognise them or acknowledge them in his will - just putting the knife in further that they were not or ever were equal to his precious second family.

Affairs hurt a lot of people and sadly rarely the people who have them -

Good. I'm glad you feel bad. So you should.

What a psychopath. Bloody hell.

Most people, even if they've done things like this themselves, experience emotions like remorse and empathy. To lack these emotions entirely, dismiss the pain and damage you've inflicted on other people, be apparently unable to comprehend that other people might feel remorse, and to focus solely on your own happiness is chilling.

i assume the ex was angry and therefore decided to punish the father, shameful but it does happen.

it really doesn’t need to though.

Sadly marriages end for all sorts of reasons. People shouldn't and can't live their lives in misery - this is awful for everyone. It's very sad his DC don't see this.

Please don't feel guilty - I mean this. If your relationship hadn't lasted either then the upheaval and disruption would have been for nothing but your relationship did last.

You're very lucky you have a lovely good relationship but please let the past go.

Well it’s narcissistic. But then people that have affairs often have narcissistic traits.

You wanting to apologise to the family you destroyed is only going to make you feel better. To shed your guilt. I'm sure they don't care for an apology at this stage and it kind of shows that perhaps you haven't changed as much as you think you have.

Use this life lesson as something to teach your children instead. Don't go meddling with their lives again.

Aside from sending money has your DH made any effort to connect with his DC who doesn't want anything to do with him?
Does HE feel any guilt about the way he behaved?
Seems you're carrying a lot of his guilt too . . .

But someone leaving to be with someone else does not mean the end of the parent- child relationship in the vast majority of cases. It's quite unusual for the leaver to have zero contact with their children afterwards and some parental alienation must surely have happened. The children did not need to grow up without a father, he was not dead.

It's good to be reflective, shows maturity and a desire for self improvement.

Our lives and those around us are indeed a product or our decisions and actions, for better or for worse.

But remember that precisely nobody on planet earth is leading a perfect life, or ever has done.

i assume the ex was angry and therefore decided to punish the father, shameful but it does happen

yes, of course. The woman scorned. Children/teens can’t possibly have made their own mind up about their father, could they? I mean the OP has laid out the facts - a planned pregnancy almost immediately along with a proposal (probably before the divorce was complete). Those children couldn’t possibly have come to their own conclusions.

Jesus fucking wept.

Absolutely!

The children did not need to grow up without a father, he was not dead

and yet another ‘blame the ex’ rather than the actions of the person having an affair. What actions did this father take to maintain his relationship with his children, exactly?