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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

471 replies

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 11:55

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

OP posts:
Ollifer · 20/08/2023 12:21

Op this is mumsnet where an affair is worse than murdering someone so you're brave to post here! It was 16 years ago, just move on and let this go. What's the point in feeling shite your whole life??

dinoice · 20/08/2023 12:21

How old were his children? 16 years is a bloody long time to carry that resentment.

I was a family solicitor for many years and adultery is no bar to contact.

I think my biggest concern would be his lack of relationship with them.

Sparrowandball · 20/08/2023 12:21

Baconisdelicious · 20/08/2023 12:17

yes people were hurt but you only get one life and it was the right decision for both of us

the way to dismiss others is chilling. We’re talking children growing up without a father. Grandchildren who will never know their grandfather. A huge, gaping hole in the family left behind. But it’s OK ‘cos it all worked out OK for you?

Which was their choice, probably guided by their mum let's be honest.

Original poster
otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 12:21

Haretest · 20/08/2023 12:19

I'm not going to shit on you, most of us wouldn't make the same decision we did when young.

Did he have a relationship with them while they were growing up?

He saw his DC regularly for about a year after he left. But then they decided they did not want to see him anymore

Btw I'm saying "they" it was one dc he had with ex. but I am being vague about whether they're male or female

OP posts:
Mintyt · 20/08/2023 12:22

I think you just have to except that you made a mistake, he made his choices. People do not leave happy marriages. I forgave the OW (eventually) my 1st H left me after 20 years. At least all the upset was "worth" it as your still together and happy. Do you know if she as moved on and is settled and happy. If she is forgive yourself.

Original poster
otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 12:22

dinoice · 20/08/2023 12:21

How old were his children? 16 years is a bloody long time to carry that resentment.

I was a family solicitor for many years and adultery is no bar to contact.

I think my biggest concern would be his lack of relationship with them.

His dc was 10/11 when he left

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 20/08/2023 12:22

Do your DC know that they have half siblings? Just asking out of curiosity really.

Don’t beat yourself up- your husband was the attached one, you were single. I would struggle to reconcile him being a good Dad/ loving husband now with what you know he is capable of though- obviously you are also struggling with this. Have you considered counselling?

Original poster
otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 12:23

Mintyt · 20/08/2023 12:22

I think you just have to except that you made a mistake, he made his choices. People do not leave happy marriages. I forgave the OW (eventually) my 1st H left me after 20 years. At least all the upset was "worth" it as your still together and happy. Do you know if she as moved on and is settled and happy. If she is forgive yourself.

I heard about 10 years ago that she was engaged and in a relationship 🤞🏻

I don't know her at all she lives in a different part of the country

OP posts:
Original poster
otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 12:25

Ollifer · 20/08/2023 12:21

Op this is mumsnet where an affair is worse than murdering someone so you're brave to post here! It was 16 years ago, just move on and let this go. What's the point in feeling shite your whole life??

I really do want to move on

I am considering counselling but it feels I dunno like I don't deserve to feel better ...as no amount of counselling can undo it and I don't want to undo what I did as then I would not have my DC

OP posts:
Spacecowboys · 20/08/2023 12:26

If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else- that’s the mindset your husband was in towards the end of his first marriage. He is as responsible as you are. I can’t imagine why you saw yourself as ‘ winning’ though. There are never winners in infidelity ,which you have since discovered.

frippu · 20/08/2023 12:26

well at least you have grown as a person.

WhateverMate · 20/08/2023 12:27

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 12:15

He always supported his DC paid over and above maintenance

He still does send money to his DC even though they're an adult as they have DC now and their own house etc. it is never acknowledged by them but he wants to and he feels it is right . As if they were in his life he'd do same

Show quote history

See I don't believe a word of this.

These are the 'children' he never fought to see and yet he's financing their adult lives?

Nah.

ItLooksLikeChickenSoItMustBeChicken · 20/08/2023 12:27

Keep looking over your shoulder - you may yet become the wronged wife

frippu · 20/08/2023 12:28

does your dh have contrition?

Baconisdelicious · 20/08/2023 12:28

I hope your husband's ex-wife also found happiness and that her children grew up happy

How happy do you think any child or teen is going to feel knowing their father betrayed their mother then waltzed off into the sunset without, it would seem, so much as a backwards glance?

I was cheated on - it is a chance you take when you put your trust in someone. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. An adult with friends, family, a half decent counsellor and anti-depressants can move their life forwards quickly. In short, it is difficult to live your life wanting the person who betrayed you. Moving on happens fairly quickly in my opinion, just not necessarily with another person. It’s not hard to get your head round the fact that the OW is welcome to the cheating, lying bastard! A child, however, should be for life. Building a new family with someone else is a sad reflection on how little our society values the long term mental health of children and the adults they will then grow in to. Indeed, my ex’s father cheated on his mother and so it continues….

violetcuriosity · 20/08/2023 12:29

Life is life and shit happens, you did something awful but it's worked out and was clearly meant to be. You're not responsible for other peoples happiness 16 years later and have clearly grown as a person. Maybe consider writing the ex wife a letter apologising but not sure how that would go down.

frippu · 20/08/2023 12:29

how does your dh feel about his relationship with his older dc or lack of
?

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 12:30

I am not sure why you are carrying all the blame with in yourself. He was the one who cheated and collapsed his life when really if he was that unhappy he should have left first. I don't know why this is on you. I can't see how it is your fault.

But i mean i definitely would live with the knowledge that one day he could do it to you.

PalaceOfThePanda · 20/08/2023 12:30

while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.

Im sure his children are really comforted by that. 🙄

Baconisdelicious · 20/08/2023 12:31

Maybe consider writing the ex wife a letter apologising but not sure how that would go down

zero fucks given as to the impact such a move might have on the ex wife? Just as long as the OP is OK, eh?

WhateverMate · 20/08/2023 12:31

He still does send money to his DC even though they're an adult as they have DC now and their own house etc. it is never acknowledged by them but he wants to and he feels it is right . As if they were in his life he'd do same

Actually if I were you, I'd find out who he's really paying this maintenance to...

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 12:32

Your DH sounds like a shithead. So what that he's paid and paid out of guilt? He has no relationship with his eldest DC and his GC because of the way he behaved. Your DC don't know their siblings or their siblings' children. That's a lot of pain he caused. You were a part of it but he's the one that walked away from his family.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2023 12:32

Your life is built on deceit and somebody else's misery. How can this lead to happiness. It can't.

itsmyp4rty · 20/08/2023 12:32

Notellinganyone · 20/08/2023 12:13

Seriously? Not sure what the purpose of this post is. I left my 10’year marriage 20 years ago to be with my DH. He was married too. Yes it was traumatic, yes people were hurt but you only get one life and it was the right decision for both of us. It does make things more complicated but it’s not ‘tainted’. Perhaps you just don’t really love him.

His own kids were so traumatised by it that they haven't spoken to him in 16 years - of course things are tainted.

I agree with you OP that he is not a good man to choose you over his own children - I can't imagine how selfish you'd have to be to do that. You also know that he is able to walk away at the drop of a hat from big commitments without looking back - and from the sounds of it with very little remorse. Those would be huge red flags for me.

Is he older than you? If so my advice would be don't get old and don't cause him any problems or upset because I think someone would have to be quite narcissistic to behave as and you're probably not as irreplaceable as you'd hope.

violetcuriosity · 20/08/2023 12:33

Baconisdelicious · 20/08/2023 12:31

Maybe consider writing the ex wife a letter apologising but not sure how that would go down

zero fucks given as to the impact such a move might have on the ex wife? Just as long as the OP is OK, eh?

I've been in the ex wife's shoes and the letter I had apologising hugely helped me.