To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

I think you're being tremendously harsh on yourself. You're not an "awful person". There are very few people who think and behave the same way in their forties compared to their mid twenties, and there isn't a single person in the world who hasn't done or said something they regret, often profoundly so.

You made some selfish choices, which have had big impacts on other people. You were not the only person making choices, and you are certainly not solely responsible for the negative impacts of how things have turned out. And those choices also had some hugely positive impacts - including two happy children, a long lasting relationship, a bigger family for your first child. Life is complicated and nothing is a zero sum game.

Go talk to a therapist, I think it will really help. I think you've posted on here knowing that some people will (understandably, with their own experiences and pain), rip you apart - but you deserve to heal. Even if you think you don't, think of it as a step towards 'making amends', either in that it helps you work out what you do next, or even if only to be able to talk to your children in a way that helps them make sense of how their family was formed.

Bloody hell, there’s a lot of projection on this thread.

I think you’re being a bit masochistic posting here, OP.

Pull yourself together a bit, stop beating yourself up, and get some counselling before another set of kids find themselves in an unstable family.

You don’t have to be proud of what happened, but let’s get some perspective and accept it, then move on. Unfortunately, it’s as common as air. You’re not a mass murderer.

The ex wife met her next partner within 6 months of her marriage falling apart and they’re still together. No kids. Very well off. She got a fabulous divorce settlement and the house in West London so… she’s fine

do you really think it’s that simple? That it just comes down to money and a new relationship? You don’t think that the scars could run deeper? Change you as a person? Always be with you?

@otherwomanregrets Why didn't your H insist on continuing contact with his child with. his ex - he left it to a 10/11 year old to decide to no longer see his/her father? That's not the action of a good dad. It was up to your H to do the adulting, and make sure his child could see he remained his father and would always be there for him post split. No matter how difficult that may have been. But he didn't, no doubt because having to see an unhappy child every week interfered with his new happy situation. If. he had done those hard yards, that kid may have been able to enjoy being part of his step/half family after the initial upset. Throwing money at the child instead was just cowardly. Your H chose your child (his SC) over his own 10 year old. That is not a good man.

Well your relationship is tainted. You got together on the back of betrayal and deception (his), and your own lack of empathy (for the pain you knew this would cause to to his wife and child)and greed as it sounds like he has money.

Your H can use the excuse that he wasn’t happy all he likes. Did his wife and child deserve the pain him cheating with you caused them, did the child deserve the subsequent loss of her father? Although I can only assume he must have been a shit one in the first place.

Your DC with him must be slightly older/similar age as his DC was when he was cheating on her mother with you. I should think it must be hard to look at them and imagine them having to go through what his child went through.

Its not up to you to make amends to assuage your guilt and it sounds like your H has no interest in doing so apart from throwing money at it.

Focus on bringing your DC up to be decent people who don’t behave like you and their father.

I don’t think you deserve the shit you’re going to get on here OP.

As you have said you were young and naive but your relationship has stood the test of time and you’re happy. It was your DH that broke his vows not you. Yes you shouldn’t have done it but we all make mistakes and you acknowledge what you have done. Time to move on

Oh give over OP.

Marriages end all the time. Relationships start and relationships finish. The days of till death do us part are long gone now. Do you honestly think your DH would've still be with his XW if it wasn't for you? He said he wasn't happy and so he left his wife for you as he believed you would make him happy. I know MNetters like to say you should leave a marriage first then have a period of about 5 years of single self reflection and then you might think about having another partner but the reality is that most relationships end with a bit of an overlap. ''Twas ever thus; we just don't talk about it in polite society.

Whether that's right or wrong morally is neither here nor there. It is what it is. You won't be the first or last.

Why would you post about this now? How does getting a kicking from indignant previously cheated upon posters make you feel better?

Exactly, can't posters not see how it looks like he chose a step child of 8 weeks over his own biological child that he brought to life?

Even if he had him half the week which is rare, the dad is raising someone else's kid and abandoned a 10 year old who was going through a difficult age stage.

Your husband is a scummy human.

I do suffer from anxiety

It was his older DC that decided they did not want to see him . He thinks their mum influenced them but at that age they have their own minds and if a 12 yo dc of mine said they did not want to see a certain person then I would not make them. And tbh I wouldn't blame her if she did influence them as if he did it to us I'd be raging

You think the affair is the worst part. It's not. It's that you actually chose this man - who puts his own happiness first, so much so that he's fine with not seeing his child - to be the father of your children.

I was also the "other woman", although I was also married.
But we both left our spouses and got together and we've been together for 15 years.
I get on with my ex husband who also remarried and all the blended children get along fine with all of us.

I respect you for the personal growth you have displayed but it sounds like the same can't be said for your husband. Does this difference ever trouble you? I think moral lines are deal-breakers in a relationship and if yours have changed that much you will always look at your husband differently and your relationship won't be the same or as strong.

Even if he is a better father to your kids I don't think I could stand being a part of the 'do-over' family, especially if he can't admit to the pain he caused or try to make amends with his first kids.

The replies on here are appalling.

OP you made a mistake, you clearly have spent time reflecting on your behaviour and that of your DH’s. You regret what happened, you learned from it, you are sorry.

You do not deserve a life of unhappiness. You deserve to draw a line under it and move on with your life.

I would be surprised that his adult children don’t want to see him because he left. I’m guessing it was due to how it was dealt with by him and his ex wife.

If my husband left me and did what your DH did, I would still want him to be a part of my children’s lives.

You cannot take full responsibility for that.

People change. They can make an almighty mess of things to the detriment of other people, learn from it and never behave in that way again.

Know what, adult relationship fail and people sometimes behave badly and cheat on each other, even when married. That is not a big deal.

But to break up a family, where there is a child's life and whole future involved, t To choose to start a new family when that child is struggling so much with the breakup they cannot even bring themselves to see their own daddy anymore and leave the mum to deal with that all by themselves is/was abhorrent and then now to have the gall to have a pity party for yourself is just a continuation of sewer rat behaviour.

If anyone is in need of therapy it is that child whose life you put a nuclear bomb in the middle of and that is completely on your dh and your heads and always will be.

I would not get on with my 20something self

I was awful .

@Notellinganyone
totally agree with what you said.

I don’t really see why you would think it’s tainted, other than the issue of the older children he had first. That is sad that there is no relationship there any more - but the rest of it I wouldn’t worry? If you’re happy and didn’t know his exw then that’s just part of life?

I meant what I said. Some of the traits of psychopathy are a lack of remorse, a lack of empathy, an inflated ego, dishonesty, manipulation etc. No doubt there's crossover with narcissists.

I don't believe this poster is representative of all "other women", not do I think all people who have had affairs are narcissists or psychopaths. I think we need to be very careful of casting judgement on people's entire characters because they did stupid, selfish things 20 years ago which they now regret.

And there it is. A measured and thoughtful post from the OP, inviting debate, but let’s throw shit instead.

Sounds like you haven't matured after all if you think a 12 year old not wanting to see a random person is like not wanting a relationship with their dad who abandoned them. You're still very selfish.
Even your post is to to harness sympathy for yourself and make your ego feel better, you're not even remorseful still it's all still lip service. Truth is, this worked out well for your oldest kid to have a surrogate dad. Fuck what happens to him child because they were TWELVE when they cut the relationship, eh?!

Some of us can see through your fake 'oh no I feel so bad' act. You still don't get the amount of damage you've done by blaming it on a 12 year old.

Because I've now been on Mumsnet about ten years so I know all about the cheaters script etc

We change as we get older. It's not an excuse for what you did. But you were young and if you have regrets now and realise the pain you caused, then I'd say you're not an awful person.
But op, I wouldn't apologise. Leave them be. The apology makes it about you I'm afraid. Not them.
I've seen personally how a woman and her kids can be destroyed after an affair(relatives of mine). An apology just wouldn't be enough for them at all and that's me saying that 15 years later.

You did what you did. Too late for regrets now. All you can do is be the best person you can today.

Op. I think it's good you feel some guilt and regret because this shows you have empathy and have imagination into other people's situations. I also think you sound an interesting, self-reflective person. You recognise you were selfish and competitive and to some extent that drove you to "win" over someone else. Not many people would admit that, even if it were true. You lacked the imagination at that point to see yourself in her shoes but now it is hitting home hard and you're questioning yourself maybe because you're now in the situation she was in then. What I notice about this post is it's all about yourself, not in a selfish way, but in a taking all the responsibility kind of way. What about your partner? Not only was he more responsible for how he behaved because it was his family he was treating badly and he knew the details of the situation, but because he was older than you by quite a long way and therefore should have been more mature.

I don't think that divorce and family break-ups necessarily have to end up in such a sorry mess. I don't think all break-ups are avoidable either. It can also be harmful if people stay together when they really don't get on or love each other at all. It depends so much on whether people are honest with each other, whether they behave as decently as they can going forward to each other, all kinds of things. If the grown-up child wants nothing to do with him, perhaps this is a sign he did not behave that well or didn't make sufficient effort with his child or to maintain a decent working relationship with his ex going forward. From what you say, he doesn't sound regretful or self-reflective about it. Did he make a lot of effort with his child that he left? Or did he just leave and start over?

I also worry you say you are "happy". The quotemarks indicate that this is the official position but maybe you are questioning this somewhat.

At the end of the day, you can't change the past but you can try and learn from it and try and make things better going forward. You don't want your children, who are innocent in all this, to feel like you are guilty about them or to cause tension for them due to this. Perhaps you need to draw a line now and say the past is the past. You can tell your children in the future the situation and explain you do regret how you behaved to some extent. Perhaps it might make it easier for them to approach their sibling and to understand their sibling's behaviour in the future if there is any kind of interaction or reconciliation at least between the siblings. But it sounds to me a little like you are questioning him and his attitudes a little and worrying about whether he could do the same again? Maybe this is what you need to look at and at the centre of your disturbance?

You think your relationship had nothing to do with theirs, but your relationship tore their family apart. To have no feelings, remorse or even one iota of regret or compassion, makes you sound like a cold hearted sociopath.