To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

Yours is a good perspective, and I appreciate your reply. I think you're right that the OP should reflect on the source of her unhappiness or uncertainty. This is a nuance I missed from previous replies.

Re "every moment of her happiness is built on another's suffering" - this isn't something I entirely agree with. I do see your point in some ways, but in other ways I don't necessarily agree. I do think that this is perhaps specific to the relationship details and things we can never know (e.g. would ex wife and kids be happier if they stayed together; are ex wife and kids living happy and fulfilled lives now; would the relationship with the ex wife have broken down anyway; if the relationship with the ex wife did break down a different way, would ex and kids be happier), as well as an individual's POV on divorce and whether kids can be "happy" without a contact with a parent. For example, some people believe divorce should only happen in very specific circumstances and children can only be happy with 2 bio parents 100% on the scene - other people disagree.

I also agree with you that OP doesn't seem happy in her relationship right now, aside from how it started.

I think this is the complicatedness and messiness of life I alluded to vs "the ideal". It also points to my point of - if you're still with your affair partner then you can't have forgiveness.

Maybe I'm too biased by my own experience to give a sensible POV, but I don't think it is helpful for OP to be riddled by guilt for the rest of her life. I'm also not implying/saying that you said she should be either - that was just the intent behind my original post. Again, I appreciate your reply.

I think you are ruining your own happiness. I left an abusive relationship to be with someone who clearly cared about me. There was an overlap whilst I tried to work things out. I felt I had a duty to the relationship I was destroying.

The thing is, I was miserable and being abused in all sorts of ways. I had been miserable for a long time but it was only when I started getting close to the OM that I realised what life and love should feel like.

Just because your DH was with someone, doesn't mean he wasn't desperate for escape and happiness. The OM has now been my DH for nearly 25 years. I've never been unfaithful to him and generally we're as happy as we were when we first got together.

Stop worrying and beating yourself up about this. Enjoy what sounds like a happy marriage and realise that perhaps what you actually did prevented greater unhappiness rather than causing misery. His DC are like my friends who always thought it was my fault. My ex blamed my now DH and never me as if I had no autonomy! If his ex is blaming you for "stealing their Dad" then they are going to grow up with a warped viewpoint. Hopefully at some point they'll be mature enough to realise you can't break something that's already broken and mend their relationship with their Dad.

It's almost like choices have consequences. What a notion.

Why would his children want to speak to him? He left them and their mother.

Every moment of OP’s happiness (not that she actually appears to have achieved much of that) is literally built on the suffering of his first wife and his older children.

What a crock of shit this is.

I guess I was the OW, my now partner left his then gf for me. It wasn't a long affair, there was a very brief overlap. Whilst I don't think it was the best of behavior, I have no regrets. I have been with him for years, I trust him, and love the family we have built. He wasn't happy in the relationship, he finished it the next day. I am friends with his ex gf and she has her own family and is happy.

Whats happened has happened. It's for his children to decide how they feel about it and that's something your partner has to deal with. But beating yourself up about it isn't going to help anyone.

It also points to my point of - if you're still with your affair partner then you can't have forgiveness.

This is interesting @ThingyThings. I think it’s a large part of the reason OP is getting such a kicking on here (in addition to a whole heap of misogyny). There’s definitely an element of society not forgiving a “fallen woman”. After all, nobody here has been personally harmed by OP and yet the vitriol she’s received has been shocking. A very Victorian attitude that should be left in the dust. And the past is not the past unless that affair partnership is over, in the eyes of society. People’s anger seems to have a lot more to do with punishing women for unvirtuous behaviour, than it is about concern for the injured parties. If it was about that then people would direct their anger at the man in this case.

On the other hand, I can entirely understand why an abandoned spouse and the children would be unable to forgive whilst the affair partner is still on the scene. In OP’s case, this is exacerbated by the fact that her husband isn’t really bothered, isn’t sorry and is happy with his decision to have exchanged his children for a romantic partner. But even without that context, I think it’s a tall order for a woman or her children to forgive someone when they are still engaged in the behaviour that was so harmful. Where every day they are actively choosing their love life/sex life over and above the healing and happiness of their children. It’s a bit like forgiving someone for stealing from you while they continue to come into your home every day and take more possessions. I know some people manage it, but I can fully understand why some just cannot.

OP, I admire your very articulate description of how you perceive yourself. If it puts off just one person from embarking on an affair then you should be proud of yourself. I would just urge you now to enjoy the life you have. Don’t fret 😘

We all grow older and wiser and regret certain actions esp when younger. Personally, even when younger I never went near a married man. Plenty of opportunities. Just never got why anyone would think it was okay and it was extremely off putting to know that underneath, they were a weak individual prepared to cheat. But then I saw the devastation it wreaked first hand as a small child in my parents' relationship. It's something that stays with you for life.

I think the level of hurt and rancour depends how much damage the breakdown of the relationship caused the wife and child.

In my case OW is welcome to ex. She however did try to cause further destruction in my life and it was so bad the family court judge was concerned for OW.

I’ve been split from ex less than the time you’ve been with your H and I don’t really care how either of them are. Threads like this remind me of that time and I remember how much effort ex put in trying to destroy my life at that time and the only thing I feel is relief an deep gratitude that he’s no longer in my life.

and as I said FIL is married to his affair partner. MIL wouldn’t put up with half the shit he put SMIL through. I don’t think their marriage would have been terribly happy if they’d stayed together.

I think you need counselling. I don’t agree with oh you were in your twenties you didn’t know better. You absolutely did, I did at that age, you’re an adult, you knew the rights and wrongs, and chose the path for yourself.
no amount of self flagellation is going to change the past. So you’re going to need to work out a way to live with it.

hopefully both your H’s ex-wife and older child are happy in their lives.

Not sure why everyone is being horrible to you here.

Not everyone has.

The OW always tends to get more scorn on here than the men, I think it helps some to believe that their partners were 'stolen' rather than the reality that they made a conscious decision to cheat as something was evidently lacking in their relationship.

OP honestly don't torture yourself. Was it a shitty thing to do? Yeah sure. Is it crap he doesn't see his children? Yes, but that isn't your fault- he's a grown man and he chose to cheat and he chose to not bother fighting for them. Its good you recognise the hurt this caused others, but I'd use that to be a better person going forward rather than beating yourself up.

Brilliant!

I'm with you @TetherMetherPip
If I ever do think of OW I laugh as I definitely traded up and she has my bad tempered, cheating Ex to put up with - and his Mother!

The real question is this op, if you regret your actions, which lead you to marry your affair partner and have kids with him, do you really live him, or feel you need to stay with him because he left his wife for you ?.

No hate for you op. He was the one who was married with a family. He can make his own decisions. No one had a gun to his head. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else.

Don’t get me started on the mother @Gingerwarthog ! The divorce was worth losing her alone! My now MIL, on the other hand, is an absolute diamond. I love her!

Whilst I wish marriages never broke up, they do and for all sorts of reasons. I expect from what you describe as others have noted, it would have been someone else.

There's a world of difference between someone who has two long term marriages and the man who dumps his wife once they are 40 for someone younger, or is never faithful to begin with.

@TetherMetherPip
Worth sending OW flowers just to see the back of my old MIL....

I struggled to read some of the overly angry responses you have received here. I was cheated on by my husband 2 years ago but it was him that hurt me not the OW (I did not personally know her). You have punished yourself more than enough and opening yourself up to the wrath of MN is tantamount to self flagellation. You don't deserve it, you have served your penance a long time ago. You are clearly a decent person. Enjoy your loving relationship and don't sabotage it with this self doubt.

But if you can't do that maybe it is time to go and talk it through with a counsellor.

I think for those who have been cheated on - that niggle of worry never goes away. I speak of someone who was cheated on and whose DH left for the OW. Their joint actions made the next 18 months of my life beyond traumatic and that of our joint DCS.

It took me another 8 yrs to trust someone again - am now in a v v happy relationship but still have the occasional moment of doubt. My new DP knows this - we discussed trust before we got serious and he knows what triggers me and respects those triggers.

Yes I have moved on, have dealt with the betrayal, the beyond shit actions of them both afterwards but that memory of hurt never goes away. I remember where when and how I learned about the affair - I had not suspected anything. Once the scales come off you realise all the signs were there but you missed them for many reasons.

OP move on - your guilt is your guilt. The EX if she is like me does nt want any contact with the OW who is now the Ex OW!! That would be a trigger beyond belief, that I do not want to go through. 9 yrs down the line she is still stalking me, got a job in my place of work etc etc etc.

Glad you ahve reflected but don't think there is anythign you can say to his EX that would help after this length of time.

I think for those who have been cheated on - that niggle of worry never goes away.

This, sadly.