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Original poster

To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

471 replies

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 11:55

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

OP posts:
daliesque · 20/08/2023 13:08

you words represent everything that shows the selfish mindset of thos who have affairs. Your casua disrespect for his children and the effects this has had on their innocent lives is repulsive.

Why on earth should I have any respect for people who are, at best very casual acquaintances? I'm not their parent. Why the hell should I beat myself up for something that was their fathers decision.

Foxglovers · 20/08/2023 13:08

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 13:05

Because I've now been on Mumsnet about ten years so I know all about the cheaters script etc

Show quote history

But people often are very unhappy in relationships and looking for ways out?
I once stayed with someone for 2 years longer than I should have because I was scared of ending things completely- and we weren’t married and didn’t have kids!

DressDilemma · 20/08/2023 13:08

You are already paying the price by being married to a shit human being who is rotten at the core. Any man or women who destroys the life of their own flesh and blood like this and then walks away happily into the sunset is vile and disgusting. You are sharing your life with an awful human being and totally deserve it. That's your winner's trophy!

LaurelandHedgy · 20/08/2023 13:08

I don't think he does feel that guilty, no. When we've talked about it he just says he was so unhappy when he was married before. and while he is sad he doesn't see his DC he'd rather that than be in an unhappy relationship.

Your DH is not a man worth having. He’s weak. He’s also rewritten history. He’s massively selfish.

I have 4 brothers, a dad, and 2 nephews in their 40’s. I’ll tell you now, that none of them would shit all over their children.

Your prize is a dud. He married someone, and had a child with them. Guess what, marriage is hard. It ebbs and it flows, “in good times and bad”. Unhappy people don’t have affairs. They end the marriage and move on. Selfish, self absorbed people have affairs and then gas light those around them and rewrite history to justify the career.

I bet his child is a girl. They are the ones who usually say “screw you dad, you’re a wanker, and you’ve upset my lovely mum, and I don’t want you tarnishing my own DC”. If I’m right, I’d also be wondering why your DH is happy to shit on the women he’s meant to love. How callous to say he’d rather not see his DC than be with their mum. What he’s really doing is justifying being in his 30’s, and leaving his wife and DC and hooking up with someone who is 10 years younger than him, which everyone would have been quite horrified by.

What an arsehole.

I’m not going to berate you, because I actually feel sorry for you. He’s not a man worth having. What you “won” is actually the booby prize.

TheaBrandt · 20/08/2023 13:09

Christ op. I had several successful married men come onto me when I was in my twenties working in the City as did my other attractive same age friends you don’t fucking say yes to them. Did you come from a disordered background yourself or something?

CurlyTop1980 · 20/08/2023 13:10

I'm not sure MN is the right place to post this. You may have been young
But mid 20's is still an adult. You made your decision and chose what you have in life now.

You're gonna have to move on and just live your life.

Happyher · 20/08/2023 13:10

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You were free and single, you can go out with who you like. Your DH was in the wrong by cheating on his wife but none of us know what was going on there, but he’s stuck by you and you have a good life together. His wife, although on the face of it the wronged party, also has behaved badly by denying her children a relationship with their father and she may well find that turns round and bites her

Crunchymum · 20/08/2023 13:10

Sorry if I've got this wrong but it sounds like the child decided aged 12 not to see their dad and he just agreed? Why didn't he make more of an effort? Show how sorry he was?

They were 12 and angry (as was his wife). Why hasn't he been reaching out at every opportunity? Birthday and Christmas messages? Cards letting them know he loves them and he is there is and when they ever want to make contact.

I'm not talking about harassing or stalking but I'm talking about testing the waters as to whether his child would be open to having some contact with him over the intervening 16 years. Had he really not tried to reach out to his first child? Fucking sickening.

LunaNorth · 20/08/2023 13:10

Don’t spend your life reading relationships threads about cheating and self-flagellating, OP. It’s a total waste of time.

TheYadaYada · 20/08/2023 13:11

It’s in the past. There is no point beating yourself up about it years later? Does your husband feel guilty?

Hopefully the ex has moved on and is happy. I do think it’s a great shame when kids lose out on a relationship with a parent. That is where everyone should have regret.

Ettings · 20/08/2023 13:12

I guessed he was much older than you when I read your first post OP. It's a certain type of man who does this. I can also understand why you feel you might need to watch your back as you age.

Thelonelygiraffe · 20/08/2023 13:12

HowToSaveAWife · 20/08/2023 12:05

Oh Lord. Tin hat on OP because there'll be a rake of MNers along in a bit telling you how awful you are and you don't deserve your own pity party.

However.

Your maturity and emotional maturity have changed drastically since then and in every stage of life I think everyone looks back at their younger selves and says what the fuck was I doing!!!!

You're no different but obviously the cost of what happened and what you and DH did is quite a bit bigger. This is an awful lot of guilt to hold on yourself - have you spoken to DH about it? Have you shared how you feel? You weren't the only party here, he decided to walk away from his first wife and their children. I think it's important to distinguish that while you don't regret your DH and your children, the circumstances around you meeting is regrettable.

I wouldn't blame you for wanting to reach out to older kids. What I would say is to think very carefully about that and maybe consider therapy for yourself because, if you reach out and they reject you, I think it would be helpful to have some professional help to navigate through that. I say this because, as you can imagine, emotions between parents and children and that parent and their spouse can run spectacularly high in these situations.

If you're opting for chopping water, you're going to need a blood good anchor.

This!

You shouldn't be holding on to so much guilt at this stage, especially if your h doesn't feel guilty!

I'd suggest some counselling, to help you come to terms with it.

Namechangeoncagain · 20/08/2023 13:12

Lastly your DH thinks he can fix the relationship between himself and his DCs by throwing money at it. Trust me he will never fix it that way.

TidyDancer · 20/08/2023 13:13

I think you do need some counselling here. It's very easy to judge your younger self through more mature eyes but I don't think it's necessarily helpful.

I'm not clear how many children are involved here OP as you've said 'they' but other posts have implied it's just one child. If it's more than one adult child involved do they have the same stance on this? You maybe well find that time changes things there eventually. But that's really up to your DH.

Please bare in mind there is an awful lot of projection on this thread because of people's own personal experiences. They are not capable of judging you objectively and you should be careful about taking some of the nastier comments to heart.

Baconisdelicious · 20/08/2023 13:13

His wife, although on the face of it the wronged party, also has behaved badly by denying her children a relationship with their father and she may well find that turns round and bites her

the OP has not said the ex wife is to blame for the lack of relationship between father and son. She has said the father has blamed the ex but she has not categorically agreed with that. Why do you assume a child has not made their own decisions?

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2023 13:13

Because I've now been on Mumsnet about ten years so I know all about the cheaters script etc

Tbh I don't think MN is very balanced on this. Many people are actually unhappy in their marriages and aren't making that part up.

WhatWhereWho · 20/08/2023 13:13

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 11:55

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

These kind of posts or threads strike me as just attention seeking and not about genuinely feeling bad. What exactly are you after here? Replies telling you it was not your fault, or you were younger, it happens or you were right to go after what you wanted? The married partner involved bears the most responsibility here but the person who gets involved is not far off. Am not going to pile on and have a go at a stranger's actions (if this is even true) as do not know the reality of the situation but this just seems to be revelling in the attention.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/08/2023 13:14

You were awful, as you’ve admitted, but your H was worse.

That he hasn’t ever really fought to see him first child and has never apologised to them, is pretty disturbing. Maybe he wasn’t the prize you thought you were ‘winning’ back then.

Namechangeoncagain · 20/08/2023 13:15

BadNomad · 20/08/2023 13:02

You think the affair is the worst part. It's not. It's that you actually chose this man - who puts his own happiness first, so much so that he's fine with not seeing his child - to be the father of your children.

^This Im afraid.

dottiedodah · 20/08/2023 13:15

Look Im not excusing you but marriages end sadly.Even if he hadnt met you sounds like he would have got divorced anyway .He is the guilty party here! You were young and impressionable.Its sad he doesnt see his DC, but no one should have to be unhappy for ever.Cut yourself a break here .You cannot be the only one!

JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 13:15

otherwomanregrets · 20/08/2023 11:55

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

People makes mistakes. This post is about you and your feelings but I wonder how your husband feels. You can't go back and change things but you can both value you marriage/family. Just because ut was created from 'bad beginings' it doesn't mean its a bad thing. Hopefully you and your husband are both better people now.
I wouldn't approach his former family though in time, if it's something your children want to do I thinks that's OK.

JarOfRocks · 20/08/2023 13:15

I really don't know how you could have any positive feelings about a man who would walk away from a child. Forget about his ex-wife and feelings of guilt around that. Be worried about the kind of man you have 'won'. Surely, as a mother yourself, you know deep down that there is something hideously wrong about a man who would walk away from a child. Even admitting himself that, as long as he's happy, the child is forgotten. How utterly selfish. This could so easily be your children in the future. What kind of father have you given them? They will think so badly of him (and probably you) when they are fully grown and understand what kind of person he is. Don't you worry that he's some kind of narcissist or psychopath, under it all? Your poor kids.

Oblomov23 · 20/08/2023 13:16

That's one of the things. If you start with a cheater, he has the potential to do it again. People underestimate that this means you don't have a solid foundation.

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 20/08/2023 13:16

OP, you need support to deal with this and MN is not the place. You have posted in an act of self-harm because you feel you deserve the inevitable pile-on.

You made poor choices but more than this you have internalised a deeply misogynistic interpretation of events. Your now DH was an adult with agency and perfectly capable of making his own choices. You were not some
siren or temptress who rendered him powerless. He made his choices and he has accepted the consequences. He tells you that he was unhappy in his first marriage. Why do you refuse to believe him?

You deserve to be able to feel happy and secure in your family. Nobody benefits from this extended self-flagellation. It certainly doesn’t help the ex-wife or DC from the first marriage. I think you need some counselling both as an individual and as a couple to move past this.

ThanksItHasPockets · 20/08/2023 13:18

This thread is making me very uncomfortable. OP sounds vulnerable and she has set herself up as a lightning rod for every bit of anger towards OW. She wants to be piled on because she wants to be punished and MNers are only too happy to oblige.