To have been OW and regret how my marriage / family began

[otherwomanregrets]

16 years ago I had an affair with a married man, I was single and mid 20s with a toddler (split with their dad when they were a few weeks old and was raising them on my own)

He left his wife for me quite quickly, about 8 weeks. He had said all the usual stuff like they're unhappy etc and he'd wanted to leave for ages but I now know that was probably a load of crap. And of course I always worry he'll do it to us (even though so far he seems devoted to us all you never know )

We are still married and we are "happy" and have a good life, a nice home etc and we are honestly best friends and still love each other and fancy each other. but I know that my good life and my younger two children came from a horrible situation

I desperately regret it now I'm older and wiser and have children, a house and a family. and I completely imagine the devastation it causes where as I did not back then and also did not care or think about his ex wife and DCs . If I'm honest I was not a nice person at all and although I really liked my H some of it was about "winning" and being chosen over another woman. Our first dc was born only 18 months after we got together and she was planned. Although I don't regret her at all, I regret having her so quick because I can't even imagine what a slap in the face that was to his old family. We also got engaged fairly quickly (he asked me)

My H's now adult dc want nothing to do with him and have not done since he left them. And I have never met them and neither have my DC. and in the first few years I could not understand this now I completely do as I'd fully expect my dc to be the same if he ever left us

As the person I am now - I'd have ran a mile 16 years ago and found someone single. But how do I reconcile my deep regret as I would not change having my two younger DCs or the life that we all have now.

If I could I would apologise to his old family for my part in their lives being destroyed. No need for posters to tell me what an awful person I am because believe me I know (although I'm sure they will anyway). I also feel guilty that my H doesn't get to see his DC and my DC do not know their older sibling and it's my fault

I was young naive and fucking stupid and I'll be ashamed of what I did and regret it til the day I die.
So I guess this is also a warning to other potential OW even if your affair partner leaves for you in all likelihood your life together will always be tainted

It's done. You are not the person you were then. Move forward with your family and leave the past behind. You can't change it, so why ruin the future. Good luck xx

Just this times a 1000! Cry me a river, because his kids cried a river over losing their dad and he’s still absent, despite supposedly paying over his legal maintenance. Like that makes you or him decent people. You both think your “happiness” justifies every shit thing you did to other people, including by the way robbing your offspring of their step siblings. You’re not even beginning to understand the long term ramifications of your actions. Just looking for affirmation that really you were a good person all along, easing a my wife doesn’t understand me guy out of a hole. You didn’t have any morals and you found a married man with zero morals and now you’re wondering if that’s going to bite you in your no other that young arse. Really, really hope so…

OP I was the exW and my ex cheating really was the best thing to happen to me. We weren't happy but I was so blinkered (2 kids under 2) that I just didn't see that at the time.

By his own choice my ex decided to only see his children EOW as he moved away for OW. I am SO happily remarried and my life is a million times better, we really weren't a match.

I've always facilitated the children seeing their dad and never ever breathed a negative word about him to them but they are now teenagers and starting to ask questions about the ins and outs of the relationship breakdown. They have an amazing relationship with their dad but I think it's only fair to be honest about what happened with him and OW whilst explaining how tricky our marriage had become at the time.

He and OW split recently, hated myself for it a little bit but I did feel quite smug. Not worth becoming an EOW dad for a relationship that doesn't last...

In a nutshell, you don't know for certain how much you blew up this woman and children's lives. I would encourage him to try to build a relationship with his DC and GC but to otherwise stay out of it.

But to put it bluntly, shit happens. On these threads, the comments are always that the person cheating should leave their marriage before an affair if they are not happy. But I did that and let me tell you, it does not go down any better!

I could never choose a partner over my kids, but you are the one who did that- he is.

Sorry- you aren’t the one who did that!

Having had my first marriage blown apart by an OW, I can’t think of anything remotely helpful to say..

Wasn’t worth it then was it, if his ex is still a ghost in your relationship 16 years later. That won’t ever change. It doesn’t sound like you’ve won to me.

Well she has two children from the relationship so it definitely was worth it.

Hang on...their dad did all of that to them, not OP. The misogyny from some people on this thread is appalling.

Was her behaviour completely shit? Yes? Was she selfish? Yes. Did she play a part and does she shoulder part of the responsibility for people being deeply hurt? Yes. BUT nothing that she did rendered those children fatherless. Lots of men are awful husbands and have affairs but still maintain a relationship with their children. He decided to walk away and not bother with them, not OP.

I don't understand what on earth any woman could see in the kind of bloke who could abandon his children; it's repulsive. But it's not the same as OP being responsible for it.

Your marriage was blown apart by your husband (or wife).

Yes well done for missing the point entirely

Not sure why everyone is being horrible to you here.

Yes, you made a mistake but you were young. I can completely see how it wouldn't even have entered your head to consider the wife's feelings when younger. You've matured, had your children and realised how awful it must have been for the wife.

It is not your fault that he decided to have an affair. HE ruined his family. That decision was completely on him.

I think you've got to let go of the guilt. It won't change anything and you are not a bad person.

I think you're just getting all the women that have been hurt piling in on you here and taking their feelings out on you.

What's done is done, OP. Your relationship sounds as though it's been successful - your life has moved on, and his ex's will have too. Your deep regret sounds as if it has nowhere to go really - it's not as if you can go back and change anything - so try to forgive yourself and accept the present.

Another way to look at it is that he checked out from his previous relationship. If it weren’t for you, it would be someone else.
He wouldn’t have done what’s he’s done if he were content with his marriage. Your relationship has proved that’s it’s not a fling.

OP I don't know if you are still reading this thread but I have been on the other side of this. My husband left me for another woman, neither have shown a shred of remorse. She has never met me, apologised, and won't look me in the eye.

It would really help me if I had a letter from the OW acknowledging what she put me and my children through, how it was wrong and how sorry she is, how guilty she feels. If she sent me something along the lines of your OP it would really help to heal. I would at least see that she had the courage to do that and open herself up to a nasty reply back.

Unfortunately in her case she shows no remorse and rubs my face in it. Maybe in time she will have your wisdom and maturity.

Please apologise to your husband's ex wife. You did ruin her life as she knew it. She deserves that.

My father had an affair with another woman when I was young, left my DM for her and they're still together with adult children. I'm NC with my dad and his family and it's been that way for 15 years.

Do I blame his now to so new wife? No. It was his decision to have an affair and break up my family. It's all on him.

Yes well done for missing the point entirely

I don't feel I have missed the point. She is full of regret, and there is no point feeling that way because if she'd acted any differently she wouldn't have those kids. It's quite simple really.

Mulling over whether she's "won" or not is pointless.

At least you are now aware of the devastation you and your dh have caused.

Even if his ex and dc appear happy on social media, it won’t show the underlying damage that is there.

I also would never trust anyone who cheated on his wife and walked away from his dc.

She may have had children with someone who hasn’t abandoned his first family.

Long post, but I have a lot of thoughts about this. I deleted some to try to be more concise 😅

OP, I think self-forgiveness is the key here. You need to accept that you would change things if you could, but the fact is you can't change the past. And, despite your mistakes, you deserve happiness in the life you have now.

Everyone has made one mistake or another. Some people make many, repeatedly. You have acknowledged yours, in a public forum. And you still deserve happiness.

To reflect on some of the sentiment from the posters who are giving you a hard time: All break-ups suck for parents and kids, it would have been difficult for them whether he left before or after starting something with you. Yes, in an ideal world he wouldn't have left at all and instead worked on the relationship, or least left first and stayed single for an amount of time before getting involved with you. Or as a minimum seperated first. BUT life doesn't work with ideals, it is messy and complicated.

Go ahead and live your life and be happy.

I say this as a person who was married and cheated on with 10s of women by my ex husband. I then had an exit affair with a recently separated person, I was seen as OW although my affair partner had moved out 6 months prior to our relationship starting. This is because from the woman's POV "our relationship prevented them from reconciliation". I am still with my affair partner after 15 years. I also wish things were different: specifically, I wish I never married or got into a relationship with man 1. I also wish I was strong enough to leave on my own without an affair. But I can't change the past and have found my peace.

People who have affairs and stay with the affair partner are never allowed forgiveness because it feels they can never truly "be sorry": they are still in the relationship after all. Recovered alcoholics, or drug addicts, or people who used to steal but have chosen a new path etc are allowed some level of forgiveness. Especially 16 years down the line. Be kind to yourself.

From one OW to another.

She may have had children with someone who hasn’t abandoned his first family.

Yes but she didn't, she had these children. And unless she would happily blink those children out of existence, there is no point having regrets. Guilt, sure, but not regrets.

I wouldn’t worry yourself that you destroyed their lives. I always thank my lucky stars that the OW wanted my ex-H because she’s saddled with the unfaithful old bastard and I am very happy with my DH who is just so much more wonderful in every way. Sometimes I actually feel pity for the old OW. But mostly, I don’t think of her or ex-H at all.

I agree that there needs to be a point where everyone moves on. It’s a waste of a life to spend it pointlessly self flagellating. However, it’s a false equivalency to compare this to drug addiction or alcoholism. Every moment of OP’s happiness (not that she actually appears to have achieved much of that) is literally built on the suffering of his first wife and his older children. There will never be a point where it will be categorically “worth it”, because the suffering has been so great and because this man is such a poor “prize” in any case. I think this is really the crux of the issue for OP. She can’t be happy because, ultimately, her husband is a man without remorse and without any fatherly compassion or care for his older children. He’s a deeply flawed, selfish and inadequate man, and whilst I’m sure OP feels her children have been worth it, her husband most certainly was not. And I’m sure that OP has also reflected on the fact that a man who is not up to the task of being a father to his older children, is also a poor father to have selected for her own. I’m sure, like all men of this type, he will be a great father for as long as he loves the children’s mother. The moment he checks out of the relationship, bye bye kids.

I don’t think OP should beat herself up for the rest of her days but I think she should give some thought to the actual source of her emotional disquiet and deal with that. It’s not good for the psyche to be aligned with someone so lacking in humanity as her husband.

There’s nothing to stop you apologising now if that is how you feel. It might be what you all need to move on from the hurt an apology can work wonders. What’s the worst that can happen, she will not accept it? I’m sure anyone can understand being young and inexperienced in life and if they can’t well at least you tried and that in itself might make you feel a little better about it . It’s a great shame that your husband has no contact with his children though and anything you can do to rectify that situation would be amazing.