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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to make threats?!

272 replies

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:29

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 19/08/2023 13:30

You have your answer I'm afraid.

woodlandtrees · 19/08/2023 13:30

Why do YOU have to find a solution ?

I'd leave

Wishitsnows · 19/08/2023 13:31

Why do they think they can control you? It’s not a threat if you carry it out. You said you will leave if the accommodation is not separated so I think with their response you should leave. BIL doesn’t get to tell you what to do.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/08/2023 13:31

BIL has no power to tell you what to do and your "D"H shouldn't be discussing your private conversations with him.

If DH won't listen are you going to leave?

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:32

What’s BIL got to do with anything?
Tell him, beak out.
And take steps to leave your husband. You told him what you needed to stay, he won’t do it. Is there any good reason for that? (cost, impractical in that house?)
Empty threats with no practical solution are pointless.
That’s not what you did though.

Cowlover89 · 19/08/2023 13:32

I'd leave

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/08/2023 13:32

It's not a threat if you do leave, is it?

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:32

I’m told that as I have the problem with FIL then it’s on me to fix it.

OP posts:
FloweryName · 19/08/2023 13:32

What’s it got to do with BiL? Tbf to him though, threats are unhelpful unless you’re prepared to follow through with them. You need to actually move out if you want to be taken seriously after making the threat.

takealettermsjones · 19/08/2023 13:33

Whose house is it?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 13:33

I'd tell your brother-in-law to mind his own fucking business, and I would absolutely tell your husband it's your father-in-law or me. You can sell the house and go live in peace by yourself.

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:33

I told them it wasn’t an empty threat, I cannot take it anymore and this is what it has come to. I feel I’m not being taken seriously.

OP posts:
DelilahsHaven · 19/08/2023 13:34

The annexe idea sounds good, but might take longer than you can cope with. Could FIL stay with BIL while you create the annexe?

DH and BIL need to sort this out, you should be comfortable in your own home.

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:34

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:32

I’m told that as I have the problem with FIL then it’s on me to fix it.

You have fixed it.
You’ve proposed 2 solutions.

  1. separated accommodation
  2. you leave
So, leave.
Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 13:34

Op, leave. Today. What's the situation with the house?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/08/2023 13:34

Are you safe to leave? Do you have somewhere to go?

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:35

House belongs to DH and I. It was FIL’s house but we bought it and FIL continued to live here. FIL keeps telling BIL he feels I’m trying to push him out of his home.

OP posts:
Testina · 19/08/2023 13:35

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:33

I told them it wasn’t an empty threat, I cannot take it anymore and this is what it has come to. I feel I’m not being taken seriously.

That’s because you’re not. But are you serious?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/08/2023 13:35

I guess it depends on the problem and whether or not separate living would solve it. And how much time would he realistically be on his own anyway and how much in with you?

Cantstaystuckforever · 19/08/2023 13:35

That's not a threat. It is an ultimatum, but also one you actually mean, and is coming after trying other ways.

The fact that they see this as your issue instead of theirs and FIL's makes it very clear where you sit in their list of priorities.

Even if he's in an annexe, do you really think that this will be resolved, or will the 3 of them ensure it's still your issue?

I come from a background where multigenerational living and support is more common, and have seen so many friends get swallowed by it. Are you in the same boat? If so, I hope you can find support, also if you are looking for counselling, it can be helpful to find someone from a similar background, as British counsellors will often not have the same context to your challenges.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 13:36

Op, go to a solicitor and file for divorce. The marriage is over.

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:36

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:35

House belongs to DH and I. It was FIL’s house but we bought it and FIL continued to live here. FIL keeps telling BIL he feels I’m trying to push him out of his home.

FIL’s feelings might be valid.
Did you buy it at full market rate? Or is it (morally not legally) still his home too?

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/08/2023 13:37

They are saying your feelings and needs are irrelevant to them.

You need to leave. Are you married and can therefore claim half the value of the house?

Honestly - fuck them. Why your BIL thinks he has the right to oppress you is beyond belief.

You have made your position clear and have every right to act on it. Free yourself.

Eddielizzard · 19/08/2023 13:37

I'd leave. It's not your FIL's house anymore and that should be made clear. Why isn't your DH supporting you? You've given a reasonable alternative: build an annexe. Why aren't they thinking about that option?

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/08/2023 13:37

YANBU
have you anywhere you could go?
I'd leave them to it TBH
What is your FIL doing that has got you to this point?

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