Not allowed to make threats?!

[PickleConfused]

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

Well you didn't make a threat. You gave your husband 2 choices. Your BIL does not get a vote.

An update?
Legal advice?
She only posted yesterday lunchtime @newtoallthisshizzle - when was she supposed to see a solicitor? 🤣

Why not take some of the domestic pressure off yourself by getting a cleaner in? Give it a few months and re-evaluate the situation.

It would be Your problem to fix it if it was Your dad - in my opinion. Then it would be between you and him. But I don’t think you can “fix” all issues the same way with someone else’s parent.
What if you just stay with a friend or similar and see if they take notice. It worked for me. (Although legally it can slow things down to get your share I believe later if you do end up in a divorce…maybe check first?)

Why doesn’t BIL have FIL stay with him
for a while to give you a break.

Why don't you have the annexe and you live in it?
Leave them lot to themselves.

@ClemmyTine because the annexe doesn’t exist! The plan was to build one but now FIL doesn’t want to separate the house and husband is busy with other reservations so doesn’t care about doing it either.

Absolutely. You've nailed it. FIL and BIL are laughing all the way to the bank. BIL should have pitched in at least 1/2 of the payout to FIL.

It sounds like the 3 men in your life don’t give a shit about you. Time to find your anger and stick it to them.

First step should be to go on strike and stop doing anything for DH or FIL. You’re nobody’s free maid.

Second step is to see a lawyer and see what you will be entitled to. It seems divorce is the answer as it is hard to get over the level of disrespect you’re currently experiencing.

If FIL was older and has significant assets I would’ve suggested hanging on for the inheritance but alas.

I think you need to say it's not a threat and get your DH to back you up. If he feels unable to support you against his Father and Brother then that will only undermine your marriage which you are clearly feeling already.

If you own half then I would start mentioning that you will have to sell the property for your half so you can live elsewhere. Perhaps your BIL can buy it for your FIL...

Did you buy the house cheaply on condition that FIL could remain living there too?
maybe BIL should take FIL to live with him if he’s so interested?

Tell DH and FIL that you are NOT the live in help - that either an annexe is built or the house goes on the market so you can buy a flat with your half. That’s your legal and moral right!

Ugh I totally get you. Nowhere near the same scale but my FIL was widowed 5 years ago. Had never cooked, washed, cleaned for himself. We supported him to learn these skills, invited him to dinner at ours twice a week, went to his once a week and did his shopping. All while caring for a newborn and supporting him to Dr visits etc then COVID hit so I had all of that stress too.
Anyway after COVID he buggered off to home country and started a relationship with someone who was a cow but he didn't mind as she was basically his housekeeper. They've now split and now I'm expected to do it all again. Just visited for 3 weeks and was expected to do all cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. Thankfully DH is great and we shared it but he kept making comments that it was my job. I just tell him to piss off. He's now in the hunt for another mug to do it for him and in the meantime he has a number of sisters clucking round him.
I suppose the difference here is my DH is supportive and will back me up or usually step in before I get pissed off. If your DH isn't supporting you then unless you want to deal with it for another 10 years/until FIL dies then you need to stand up for yourself.

I’m in favour of this. DH and BIL need to be made to cope with FIL and see just what OP has to do.

So your partner sides with his brother and father, not with you? I'm afraid your relationship is over.

I hope soon a law to safeguard vulnerable adults will be introduced to prevent them from disposal of their assets to family members without independent mediation or involvement of agencies like Age Concern.
Many elderly parents who have sold or gifted property to their children find themselves in a dreadful state of affairs.
Some later face eviction by expectations and rules not discussed before the transfer or children selling the house to move away without taking the parent with them.
Elderly people often see the offer of their adult children moving back to the house as a solution to their loneliness and also helping their children
Information is missing, for fear comment.
1- Did they buy FIL’s house at full market rate?
2- Promises, agreements made?
3- Any children?
4- Why emphasis in taking care of DH’s family and now moving away to take care of hers?
We are all getting old and how would we fill if we were in this situation?

Exactly agree! What is your husband doing by discussing how you feel with his brother and then your BIL tells you not to make threats! How dare he. Why doesn’t FIL live with him then and he can then comment on how his own wife feels.
You didn’t marry your husband to care for his father and if he is difficult then it’s not your problem.
If you say you are leaving then they will have to pick up the slack which they won’t want.
Sometimes you have to do something dramatic to achieve a change and make people realise you are serious.
start packing your items so they know you’re serious.
Even if you do none of this you must share the care with your husband’s other siblings. End of.
Be firm. Keep your cool but let them know it isn’t a threat. You have one life and I’m pretty sure this is affecting you more than anyone else.

Two key questions outstanding:

Whose names are on the deeds for the house? (Have you checked the title register on the Land Registry website yet? If not, please do so immediately - you can do this for £3 - at https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry avoid other sites with similar names that try to charge a lot more!)
Unless you've been even more screwed over than you realised, it should be in the names of both you and your husband.

How old are your DC? If you were to leave, even for a short break, would you need to take them with you? or prefer to leave them in the house? are they old enough to look after themselves? (as it doesn't sound like your FIL or DH can be relied on) do they have friends they could stay with while you sort this situation out?

Simple solution, brother-in-law can take him instead of you. As he seems so invested in his father’s care.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

'Not allowed to make threats about leaving' is ridiculous. You can say whatever the fuck you like. How are your BIL and 'D'H proposing to prevent you from either threatening to leave, or actually leaving?

And yes, you should actually leave anyway. You're apparently living with a mad family of total cunts.

You need to walk out on the lot of them. Now

Hope you’re ok @PickleConfused