Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to make threats?!

272 replies

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:29

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 19/08/2023 19:12

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 15:35

MIL didn’t take any of the house in the divorce on the basis it would go to the sons. So FIL gifted it to them after the divorce.

Just got to this - this looks well dodgy!

There's "deprivation of assets" written all ove fit.

Get out now, claim every single penny you can and let them sort out the financial finagling between them. You could find that you have "bought" a house you have no right to, I'm afraid. Please get a solicitor asap.

QueefofSheena · 19/08/2023 19:36

OMG, leave and force a sale or get your H to pay you off. Run as fast as you can away from this madness. In the meantime use your salary to pay for rent somewhere. They can all GTF

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 19:51

Agree with queen and cross the river. It’s a ham fisted inept attempt to dodge tax and care home fees and to screw over the women in their lives. Extract all you possibly can from their shit show and get the hell out. Certainly no more skivvying around for them. Yourself and your children first last and always.

OldandTired66 · 19/08/2023 19:53

Build the annex and move into it yourself. Leave them to it.

Mirabai · 19/08/2023 21:25

It’s very easy to urge divorce from the other side of a screen. You haven’t said you don’t like your DH just that he’s being a dick about this. (Although there is clearly other dodgy stuff going on).

What you need is to make DH understand you’re serious and won’t go back into your box. If you don’t have parents to go and stay with you should go and stay at an Airbnb for a couple of weeks to get some space and focus his mind.

BasiliskStare · 19/08/2023 22:48

@Testina - fair play I probably have misunderstood.

I do think there is a middle ground between sorting out family finances ( including the house ) and actually getting divorced.

crazeekat · 19/08/2023 23:05

get out of there. no one will appreciate just what u so until u are gone. start negotiations with hubby again once he has profusely and genuinely apologied. tell bil to gtf he has no say unless he wants gil to go to him full time.don't be a doormat for the three of them.
friends, family, cheep b n b or rental for a while.? few
weeks abroad with a sick line recuperating your head. think of yourself. no one else does.

QueefofSheena · 19/08/2023 23:23

The precarious financial situation is a huge red flag without the rest of it. Imagine that the FIL has a massive stroke and needs a nursing home at £3k a week, and the LA start digging around in his finances. Not good. I say this with experience of care funding and the lengths the councils go to. My IL is self funding but there was a point before their house was sold where the council were crawling all over their finances going back years. There was nothing to hide but they'd have had a field day with this convoluted arrangement. The BIL may be ok but the OP and her H are sitting ducks. OP has already says she's had enough so she should run and take her half while it's still there.

desperatelyseekingnoone · 20/08/2023 00:32

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:58

I work, 2 DCs and although I don’t do FILs laundry, I do cook his evening meals (I’m at work during the day).

FIL is mid 70s, no major health issues. Just lazy.

if you have nowhere else to go, I’m sorry to hear that. Just a suggestion: stop cooking for all of them. Stop cleaning. Just do things for you. Hire a cleaner if you can just for your own space. And like some have already said, The real problem is your DH. it does not around like he respects you regarding the house matters. And it also sounds like you’re the mother/wife to all three men, do you have friends you can confide in?. I hope it works out.

SunRainStorm · 20/08/2023 01:25

QueefofSheena · 19/08/2023 23:23

The precarious financial situation is a huge red flag without the rest of it. Imagine that the FIL has a massive stroke and needs a nursing home at £3k a week, and the LA start digging around in his finances. Not good. I say this with experience of care funding and the lengths the councils go to. My IL is self funding but there was a point before their house was sold where the council were crawling all over their finances going back years. There was nothing to hide but they'd have had a field day with this convoluted arrangement. The BIL may be ok but the OP and her H are sitting ducks. OP has already says she's had enough so she should run and take her half while it's still there.

Agree OP.

Take your 'half' if it's still there, now.

It will only get harder.

But I suspect the men in your family have stitched it up so you get nothing, so talk to a solicitor.

MIL has also been cheated here. She presumably agreed to forgo her claim on the house on the understanding that it would be gifted to the children. It obviously hasn't been gifted if FIL received a cash payment, still lives it in and apparently believes himself to own at least a portion of it.

The three men conspired to cheat MIL of her fair divorce settlement. If they'll do that to their own mother- what will they do to you?

See a solicitor. Meet with your husband. Be very clear this isn't an idle threat but a clear statement of intention- you will not be a maid a moment longer. The house needs to be clearly and totally in your and DH's name. If you continue to be mistreated you will leave, and will pull the rug out from this convoluted and problematic arrangement the three men have had.

Wishitsnows · 20/08/2023 01:30

Sounds like you MIL has been royally shafted and now you are next in line

FictionalCharacter · 20/08/2023 13:08

MonkeyChiselTree · 19/08/2023 15:24

This I'm afraid.

You have been properly screwed over by BIL who got 50% of the value for doing nothing. FIL had to be paid another 25% so you and your DH paid 75% whereas your BIL received 50%. No wonder you walking away is a threat he doesn't want you to carry out. It will all unravel when you get half in the divorce.

Show quote history

Yep.

Barney60 · 20/08/2023 17:48

FIL’s feelings might be valid.
Did you buy it at full market rate? Or is it (morally not legally) still his home too.

This, sounds like you are trying to force him out of own home, did you buy on condition he stays?

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/08/2023 18:01

Barney60 · 20/08/2023 17:48

FIL’s feelings might be valid.
Did you buy it at full market rate? Or is it (morally not legally) still his home too.

This, sounds like you are trying to force him out of own home, did you buy on condition he stays?

They didn't have to buy it from him - he gifted it to his two sons, 50/50!

OP and H bought out the brother and then owned it outright. So if that wasn't at full market value, the person who got stiffed was the brother, not FIL.

Then FIL forced them to pay him 25% of whatever that value was, for a property they already owned outright.

Pretty certain any feelings of being screwed over on the FIL's part are not valid at all!

Testina · 20/08/2023 18:02

Barney60 · 20/08/2023 17:48

FIL’s feelings might be valid.
Did you buy it at full market rate? Or is it (morally not legally) still his home too.

This, sounds like you are trying to force him out of own home, did you buy on condition he stays?

Did you read OP’s posts?

KateKateLee · 20/08/2023 18:03

sounds to me like the solution is for FIL to go live with BIL.

Barney60 · 20/08/2023 18:05

Ah just seen updates, i had only read original post.

toxic44 · 20/08/2023 18:35

Your BIL needs to butt out. Harder to do than it is to say, but having given your ultimatum, it looks like leaving is your best choice. Not one of these three men respects you. If you knuckle down, can you respect yourself?

Cherrysoup · 20/08/2023 18:41

Get fil a cordless vacuum for his area. Does your Dh do any housework/cooking? If not, he needs to start. No way should you be looking after your seemingly capable fil.

Rachand23 · 20/08/2023 18:53

Get the builder in and get your quotes, show to DH and say this is now what is happening. Yes, live in the annex yourself and let your FIL and DH live together in the main bit. In the meantime I wouldn’t leave the property at the moment though, just stop being the maid and make an appointment with a solicitor so you know your rights. Good luck.

newtoallthisshizzle · 20/08/2023 18:59

Do we have an update? I really hope you took some legal advice and took action based on that and speaking to your husband.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 20/08/2023 19:11

You need a divorce asap, and not be a maid to the lazy sods. If you do stay, annexe etc, just bear in mind fil will expect care as he becomes older. Let dh and bil get their pinnies on now and remind them to get nurse uniforms for a later date.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 20/08/2023 19:13

Send FIL to live with BIL 😊

DiklaNadju · 20/08/2023 19:21

Did you pay a full market value of the house?

Solonge · 20/08/2023 19:26

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:32

I’m told that as I have the problem with FIL then it’s on me to fix it.

Then I suggest you give your husband notice that you will be moving out. Give him a date, the reason why and tell him its not a threat, its an actuality. You have given suggestions for dealing with the problem, your CF husband has done nothing but tell his brother. You have your answer, they are not willing to do anything to help. Why would you even wish to continue living with this man?