Not allowed to make threats?!

[PickleConfused]

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

Either that or attempts to avoid inheritance tax. Which won’t work. Because he lives there. It’s a mess.

Except it isnt his home to be pushed out of. He doesn't own it. he received 25% of its value which he wasn't entitled to in the first place if it had been gifted to your DH and BIL. so you could technically boot him out anytime. He has no rights to that house if he isn't on the deeds. I assume you and DH are the only ones on the deeds? If not why not.
You can divorce him and claim 50% of the house
Fil doesn't have a leg to stand on. You and DH are the ones who hold the power here.

The house thing is so messy, I don't know where to begin.

You need to follow through on your threat. Suggest a trial separation in which you go and rent a small apartment nearby for six months. See how these clowns get on without you.

If you're happier, and there is still no annex then you can proceed with a divorce and hopefully recover 50% of the home. I hope you are on the deeds etc and you weren't silly enough to leave it in FIL's name.

How old are your children?

These men have done really well out of you. No doubt the brothers are keen to keep you in your place so that you can look after the old man.

Divorce your husband, take your half as you are entitled to, and stop being a well-behaved woman.

But we all know you have been indoctrinated to do as you are told and to feel grateful, so no doubt you will be back here in a year or two to tell us how things have got worse for you.

Pre-empt this and take charge of your life, you only live once.

Your bluff has been called. If you don't leave you'll have to put up and shut up.

I'd be wondering how to bump off my BIL as well ..

It's your home. Its not luke you're kicking him out, you've made very reasonable suggestions to resolve the issue, even offering to put money into changing your home for him.
Honestly, if I wasn't being backed up by my DH, I would leave.
I'm so sorry, this must be awful for you x

I'd tell them it's not a threat, it's a promise.

sorry you are experiencing this. as a wife who has some horrible inlaws myself I just wanted to say: are you married to three men or just the one? think about it. Take care of you <3

Stop being a skivvy and see a solicitor on Monday.

This thread is giving me a rage. Stand up for yourself!

My in laws 'gifted' us some money towards a house and they even helped build it.

It was a trap.

Once we were in they OWNED me. I was expected to drop everything when it suited them. They showed up almost every day, let themselves in if no one answered. Issued instructions about every aspect of our lives. Were angry at me (not DH) if the house wasn't clean enough. Once planted flowers in the garden they didn't like and they pulled them out by the roots.

You've made a big mistake moving into a house with this much enmeshed family baggage.

Cut ties with the house. You need a fresh start.

FIL needs a flat near BIL so he can have a turn at the life of servitude they've signed you up for.

Sounds to me like it’s not FIL that’s the problem - it’s your DH. If he’s not going to stick up for your relationship then why would the rest of his family choose your happiness over FIL’s?

Not to make fun of the op's situation but this made me laugh out loud... it is starting to sound like a plot of a murder mystery. 😂

I’d like here BIL’s side though.
I agree he also sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

But what if he only agreed to sell out to his brother (with dad in situ) because he knew he wasn’t making dad homeless - because brother assured him that it would always be dad’s home. Because law aside, they actually do all think it is dad’s home. Now dad, in 3 men’s eyes the real owner, is the one being pushed into the annexe. Which no-one but OP is bothered about any more.
And now if these are empty threats to leave, I actually agree with BIL that they’re unhelpful. OP started by saying she’s been homeless before, that doesn’t bother her. But later she says she has 2 kids there. So is it an empty threat or not?

I completely see why BIL and the husband think that the house is still BIL’s business. Sounds like legal ownership of it has long been a red herring in this family!

Bottom line - it’s a husband problem.

You have give an ultimatum and your dh has answered so I'd make plans to leave. You are also entitled to 50% of the house so they will have to move regardless

Let FIL live with BIL. You bought the huse, it's no longer FIL's.

There. Solution!

No point in telling them that if it’s not true though 🤷🏻‍♀️

As long as you are prepared to leave, then it isn't a threat is it, it's a statement of fact. BIL can mind his own business as it's neither his home nor his relationship.

I imagine it boils down to the fact that BIL doesn't want responsibility of care for his DF and your DH expects you to either provide it to make his life easier or accommodate it regardless. Viewed through that lens it's not difficult to see why they're clubbing together and applying pressure to maintain what benefits them. Has your DH and BIL stated who will be caring for FIL when he no longer can care for himself?

I wouldn't have even considered an annexe to be honest, in the circumstances where FIL wasn't easy to live with. It's an expensive solution and doesn't seem like it would solve much, nor does it solve the fact your DH is unsupportive.

I'd be letting DH know that he is welcome to provide or suggest an alternative acceptable solution between himself and BIL that removes FIL from the immediate home in a reasonable time frame but that I'll be expecting the home on the market in due course otherwise and would start that process. I'd not even discuss this with BIL, who can house his own DF if it all concerns him so greatly.

What does he mean you are 'not allowed' to make 'threats'?

It's not a threat anyway.

You can leave if you can and want to.

A threat is when you say you do x or I will do y. That is unhealthy.

A boundary or ultimatum is when you state you can't continue with the status quo and so either a solution is brainstormed and found or you are leaving. You explore possible solutions, if none can be reached, you leave.

That's the bit that got my goat... who does BIL think he is saying to SIL you're not allowed to make threats...cheeky s*d

You need money to leave, from your share of the house. So start with a visit to a solicitor on Monday to start divorce proceedings. Soonest done the sooner you can leave and if "D" H doesn't want you to he can start on the a ex, but good luck getting FIL to stay in there.

'Never make a threat or a promise you don't intend to keep.'

You've got yourself mixed up with three enmeshed, lazy, horrible men. Definitely get out of there and make sure you get what you're entitled to, although I can't quite work out from your posts exactly what that is.

@ifIwerenotanandroid tell that to the OP, not me 😉. When I told my XH, “if you do x, I will divorce you”, I did just that!

What was the plan for FIL when you bought his house? Why did he want to sell it to his son? What did he think the plan was for where he would live?