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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to make threats?!

272 replies

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:29

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Testina · 19/08/2023 13:57

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:52

I’m not trying to push FIL out of the house. When we bought the house it was with the agreement we would convert part of house into annexe for FIL. Other more urgent renovations had to be carried out first so the annexe had to wait.
Since then FIL has changed his mind and doesn’t want to live independently because then he would have to cook his own meals and clear up after himself.

I’m reading things into you ignoring the questions about whether you paid market rate.

If you’re not strong enough to say no to cooking for him now, that’s not going to change when your husband says, “but it makes sense for him to come over from the annexe for dinner”.

So are you cooking all the time for both of them? Presumably so, because if your husband did a fair half of it, I guess you wouldn’t mind as much.

Cleaning up is tricky, because it’s all very well refusing to clean up after someone, but when your sink is full of their plates it’s hard to hold out. Anything that takes seconds to stick in a dishwasher like a random tea cup, I’d go with the flow. All other mess? Leave what you can bear to leave, and stick the rest in a crate that you dump outside his room.

Then crack on with the divorce.

LauderSyme · 19/08/2023 13:57

How about you convert part of the house into an annexe for you to live in? Invite BIL to do all the 'women's work' in the male part. Only half joking.

You are not being ridiculous. Being the unappreciated drudge is not working for you.

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:58

I work, 2 DCs and although I don’t do FILs laundry, I do cook his evening meals (I’m at work during the day).

FIL is mid 70s, no major health issues. Just lazy.

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 19/08/2023 13:58

Are you fils carer and your dh has dumped out on you, hence the bil being involved now that the carer wants to leave?

itsmyp4rty · 19/08/2023 14:00

Why don't you just stop cooking his meals?

NoTouch · 19/08/2023 14:00

Tricky situation.

What was the agreement when you bought FIL house?

Was it full market value? (hope so and hope you had solicitors to make sure it was watertight as if he needs a care home it would be seen as deprivation of assets)

Was the agreement he would see out his life there with your guys at hand to support him to prevent him going into a care home?

How well did you get on before you lived together. Had you seriously considered elderly men can become difficult as they get older and were you prepared to deal with that? Living with your own parent is very different to living with an in-law.

Regardless of above - you don't want what you agreed to anymore and have made your ultimatum - your dh disagrees with building the annex. Now you need to follow through or come up with another solution that you both agree on.

Maddy70 · 19/08/2023 14:01

Yanu.

12345change · 19/08/2023 14:01

woodlandtrees · 19/08/2023 13:30

Why do YOU have to find a solution ?

I'd leave

Absolutely this... that comment from BIL is so manipulative and unhelpful. You have offered a solution. Saying you will move out if something does not change is reasonable in my opinion.

Testina · 19/08/2023 14:01

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:58

I work, 2 DCs and although I don’t do FILs laundry, I do cook his evening meals (I’m at work during the day).

FIL is mid 70s, no major health issues. Just lazy.

If you and your husband have jointly decided that you are doing all the cooking, is it really a big deal that you make an extra portion of what you’re doing anyway? Not many dishes are harder for 5 than 4. Can’t help but wonder if the issue isn’t more that you’re doing all the cooking for your husband, as well as his dad.

WalnutBlue · 19/08/2023 14:01

Tell dh fil can provide for himself or dh can do it then.
Put your foot down and say you will not be treated like a maid anymore.

menopausalbloat · 19/08/2023 14:01

If you can leave, do it now.
This is no way to live your life.
Good luck.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/08/2023 14:02

Are you on the UK @Testina? If you are you should be entitled to half of the equity in the house but it does sound as though there won't be much to share.

airforsharon · 19/08/2023 14:02

As the MN saying goes, you have a DH problem. He needs to speak with his DF and make it clear you are not the default chief cook & bottle washer just because you're the female in the house. You might have all agreed he can remain in the house, but i bet no one asked you to effectively become the live in housekeeper, just because he's 'set in his ways'.

Serious chat with DH needed, and tell BIL that, as he's not doing the donkey work, his opinion is unhelpful & unwanted.

12345change · 19/08/2023 14:03

The other solution is stop cooking and cleaning up for everyone! See what happens then! Maybe husband and BIL will consider getting help for you - e.g. a cleaner etc.

Testina · 19/08/2023 14:04

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/08/2023 14:02

Are you on the UK @Testina? If you are you should be entitled to half of the equity in the house but it does sound as though there won't be much to share.

Wrong tag! I’m not the OP. I would change your question to “where in the U.K., if in the U.K.?” because divorce law is different in Scotland.

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 14:05

regarding market rate - the house was gifted to DH and BIL when MIL and FIL divorced many many years ago. FIL became unable to maintain house ans it started falling into disrepair. We agreed to buy out BIL so he got 50% of value. FIL insist we also ‘buy him out’ and so gifted him 25% with the agreement of the annexe and continue living in the house. annexe is probably wrong word, more of a granny flat within house. He has at least a third of the house to himself.

OP posts:
hdbs17 · 19/08/2023 14:06

You're allowed to do what you want - including leaving.

Poivresel · 19/08/2023 14:06

Your fil is lazy.
My df is 92 and has only since March stopped doing his own cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 19/08/2023 14:07

It sounds like a situation that's only going to get much worse as FiL ages, so you could be stuck with him as his carer for 20 years! Is there a cultural issue? Are the men from a culture where women are subjugate?

Regardless, I think you're in a fix here as you have DCs and presumably you have money tied up in the house. I'd see a solicitor first, know what your options are before you decide.

gamerchick · 19/08/2023 14:07

Well in the meantime while you're figuring it out what you want to do long term. Tell your dear BIL and husband that you've figured it out. You're doing no more running around for any men. Including husband. Cook for you and the kids only. No housework other than for you and the kids. Your husband can figure it out.

They don't have any control over you.

BasiliskStare · 19/08/2023 14:07

I would take a long clear look at this . If the agreement was there would be an annexe & you didn't do that early doors , well you might be able to see why he has settled in a bit. ( I realise there were reasons ) but if that was the agreement - you did not do it. ( sounds harsh ) but it sounds like things have changed over time - do you think If you had prioritised the annexe he would have been happy there.

I think DBIL needs to step up a bit from what you have said. & he and DH really need to step up looking after their father. If you problem is being a maid then put clearing up after DFIL on them. So eg his washing - in a hamper & DH can do it. If DBIL lives close by he could come over and do a bit of clearing up or cooking a few days.

I would hate to leave my house because of DFIL but I would expect my DH and DBIL to step up and help me out.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2023 14:07

You are in charge of your own life not them. Not your DH your bil or fil. If you think the best solution is to leave then leave. What is it with those people who put pressure on you to do what they want to do. No. Do what you want to do.

NoTouch · 19/08/2023 14:07

12345change · 19/08/2023 14:01

Absolutely this... that comment from BIL is so manipulative and unhelpful. You have offered a solution. Saying you will move out if something does not change is reasonable in my opinion.

Show quote history

Maybe BIL clearly foresaw the issue with them buying the house and all living together and had strongly voiced his reservations on it prior to the purchase. He is now telling them they made their bed with an elderly 70+ year old man because they saw an opportunity buying his house, now they need to follow through with what they did.

I think it is completely fair for BIL to say it is up to his brother/wife to sort the mess out as they made it.

The problem is OP and her dh's disagreement on the annex not the BIL's potentially valid opinion. But even with the annex it is likely the next issue would be FIL coming out of the annex for company/being unclean/incontinent/needing too much support etc etc.

12345change · 19/08/2023 14:09

My dad is in his 70s too - they are children of the 50s so know about women's rights etc - so I don't buy that traditional rubbish - not like he was born in 1900s!!! - My dad does all his own washing and cooking. If your FIL has no medical needs he needs to pull his weight. DH needs to support you. My blood is boiling thinking about this - so not fair for you.

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 14:10

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the input.

OP posts: