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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowed to make threats?!

272 replies

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:29

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/08/2023 13:38

Fix it by leaving then

Gymnopedie · 19/08/2023 13:38

DH and his brother have no right to tell you what you can and can't do. I bet they don't bear the brunt of it and are afraid that if you leave they will cop it. That's what BIL means when he says it would be unhelpful. They'd have to do everything.

The only thing I will say is don't make threats you won't carry out. But if you're prepared to leave that, sadly, may be your answer. Would an annexe really make enough of a difference or would it be same shit, different place?

Start making plans and if they say you're being unhelpful ask them 'to who?'.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/08/2023 13:39

Never threaten.
Always promise.

If you are unhappy, (and in your post, you sound miserable) leave. Life is short, you need to enjoy it.

Deathbyfluffy · 19/08/2023 13:39

You’ve bought it, so it’s not FIL’s home anymore.
I’d leave, and I’m usually incredibly tolerant

Changingplace · 19/08/2023 13:41

It’s nothing to do with BIL, if you’ve had enough it’s up to you if you want to leave.

FIL is not your issue to resolve, look after yourself.

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:41

@AtrociousCircumstance “Why your BIL thinks he has the right to oppress you is beyond belief.”

I think OP should have mentioned up front that they bought the house from FIL, because I bet the devil is in the detail on that.

If that has been FIL’s house for years and he sold to them on the understanding they’d all live there ongoing (not him shunted into an annexe) and now OP is trying to force that, as another child of FIL actually I might step in to defend him. Especially if the house was sold to them cheaply - though obviously that may not be the case.

verdantverdure · 19/08/2023 13:42

Can you take yourself off for a little break? Go and stay with a friend or family?

I expect BIL will step into the breach to cover for you. (As if!)

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:43

FIL has very outdated ideas. Doesn’t lift a finger and sees any housework as women-work. I’m tired of feeling like a live in maid.

DH didn’t support me until BIL gave his opinion. Now he agrees with BIL.

I don’t have anywhere to go so can’t leave right away. No family. I’ve been homeless before so that doesn’t scare me. Happy to go down that route if needs be. I just need to know I’m not being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 19/08/2023 13:44

Did you make any promise to fil that he could continue to live in the house? Did you pay market rate or did fil give yiu a discount?

I was originally on your side but your follow up post makes me doubt that. If you bought the house cheaply with the agreement that fil could cobtinue living there then you cant just kick him out.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/08/2023 13:44

What was the situation when you bought the house? If you bought the house on the understanding that your FIL would continue to live there then its probably a bit more complicated now and I can see why people are annoyed you want to change things now

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/08/2023 13:45

The fact that it was his house he sold to you does change the dynamics significantly. Did you buy it on the understanding he could remain in it?

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 13:45

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:35

House belongs to DH and I. It was FIL’s house but we bought it and FIL continued to live here. FIL keeps telling BIL he feels I’m trying to push him out of his home.

Well he might have a point. He obviously expected to stay when he sold it to you, I hope you gave him market price.

Snugglemonkey · 19/08/2023 13:45

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:33

I told them it wasn’t an empty threat, I cannot take it anymore and this is what it has come to. I feel I’m not being taken seriously.

Unfortunately, you are not. It is just being pushed back at you as your problem. Your dh is not invested in your needs or your happiness. I would leave.

LimeCheesecake · 19/08/2023 13:46

Any friends you could stay with for a few days to get your head straight?

do you work ? Any dcs?

sadly you need DH to realise it really is a choice between keeping you living with him or his dad.

assume you paid market rate for the house, what has happened to that money? I’d be leaving with clear plan for your marriage to last, the house needs to be sold, either back to FIL or someone else and you don’t live with him anymore.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/08/2023 13:47

The issue is the OP is being treated like a maid. If the H and maybe even the bloody BIL stepped in to do a fair share of the ‘wife work’ and deal with the FIL - he is their dad after all, not OP’s - maybe things would be different.

OP you own half that house.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/08/2023 13:47

If you are married, you will have a right to half the marital assets. Please don’t just leave with nowhere to go, you have to secure your rights first.

I believe that divorce does not now aproportion blame, so your in laws will not be able to deprive you of your rights ( as long as you are legally married in a form recognised in this jurisdiction).

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/08/2023 13:48

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:43

FIL has very outdated ideas. Doesn’t lift a finger and sees any housework as women-work. I’m tired of feeling like a live in maid.

DH didn’t support me until BIL gave his opinion. Now he agrees with BIL.

I don’t have anywhere to go so can’t leave right away. No family. I’ve been homeless before so that doesn’t scare me. Happy to go down that route if needs be. I just need to know I’m not being ridiculous.

You should have planned your leaving arrangements before you made the ultimatum. At the moment, everything is telling them that you don't mean it and you're just making threats that have no founding in reality as you've no intention of actually leaving.

Never mind, once the divorce is in progress and the sale is being arranged, they'll realise you did sort of mean it even though you thought the threat would have them falling into line straight away.

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:48

PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:43

FIL has very outdated ideas. Doesn’t lift a finger and sees any housework as women-work. I’m tired of feeling like a live in maid.

DH didn’t support me until BIL gave his opinion. Now he agrees with BIL.

I don’t have anywhere to go so can’t leave right away. No family. I’ve been homeless before so that doesn’t scare me. Happy to go down that route if needs be. I just need to know I’m not being ridiculous.

So is your husband expecting you to cook, clean and launder for his father?
And if so… are you actually doing that?

Testina · 19/08/2023 13:50

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen “I believe that divorce does not now aproportion blame, so your in laws will not be able to deprive you of your rights ( as long as you are legally married in a form recognised in this jurisdiction).”

No fault divorce is recent, but the “blame” grounds before never impacted rights and find just settlement anyway.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 19/08/2023 13:51

Firstly you quit from being The Maid... Secondly suggest they buy you out.
Can you move into another room for now?

Original poster
PickleConfused · 19/08/2023 13:52

I’m not trying to push FIL out of the house. When we bought the house it was with the agreement we would convert part of house into annexe for FIL. Other more urgent renovations had to be carried out first so the annexe had to wait.
Since then FIL has changed his mind and doesn’t want to live independently because then he would have to cook his own meals and clear up after himself.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 19/08/2023 13:52

How old is FIL? Is he retired/poor health/needs care?
Are you doing his laundry/cooking his meals? If the answer is yes, stop doing it and let DH and BIL take over.
Don't leave yoir home. Move into spare room if there is one, and file for divorce

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2023 13:52

Do you have children? Does your DH do any work around the house.

it is half yours, the solution is you leave and divorce and ask for your share of the money.

or an annexe is built
or they take on more responsibility for the running of the house

Topseyt123 · 19/08/2023 13:54

So, FIL sold you his house. Presumably there was an agreement or expectation that he would continue to live there. Perhaps you didn't think that through much.

I do have some sympathy for you, but don't think you can just kick FIL out.

Build the annex for you and DH to live in. Also, tell BIL to keep his beak out if he isn't prepared to help.

I suspect that you are not getting the support you need from DH, so some serious conversations need to be had there. If that makes no difference then leave.

Badbudgeter · 19/08/2023 13:55

I would stop being the maid. Do your own laundry. Is there a bedroom you could put a lock on. You can get replacement door handles that lock. No cooking or cleaning. Do you work? If not I would get a job with long hours so I was never in. Tell Dh it’s over and the house needs sold or he is to buy you out. Move on.

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