Not allowed to make threats?!

[PickleConfused]

I would like some outsider opinions as I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’m currently dealing with a stressful situation regarding my FIL who lives with us. He is complete nightmare to live with and despite repeated attempts to get through to him, it continues.

I’m now at the end of my tether and I’ve told my DH that I cannot live with FIL anymore. I gave DH an ultimatum that either we convert part of the house into an annexe for FIL to live independently or I leave for the sake of my mental health.

BIL has told me that I’m not allowed to make threats about leaving as they are unhelpful and I’ve been told I have to find another way to solve the situation. DH agreed with his brother.

AIBU?

It’s not a threat if you go through with the consequence.

What?

He and his wife gifted the house to their children, DH and BIL.

Then FIL wants 'buying out' of WHAT exactly... he has no share of the property and your DH gives him 25% .... of the value, for the half of the property he already owned?

BIL is laughing.

DH has been screwed over by his own father.

I guess FIL did not pay market rate rent on the property, AND did not maintain it, so the 'gift' dropped in value in the time between change of ownership and you guys moving in.

I bet BIL paid nothing towards repairs etc, was his 50% based on the 'repaired and smartened up' value or the 'shit tip' value?

IS all this legit and above board, because it is looking horribly like you may not own it and if FIL needs care, you might well be totally stuffed.

It sounds like dh and dbil are terrified they will have to care for their parent @PickleConfused
Can you b&b somewhere? Make the dc dinner, get them to bed and then go off for the night, back in the morning for dc breakfast (school?)
This is what I did with my exh.

It did 2 things. 1) He realised I was serious and he had to step up and 2) I got a much needed break from doing ALL the cooking washing and cleaning.

We don't know that - and BIL in was more than happy to take the money from the transfer of the house - he is still his dad - he has responsibilities when it comes to his care. He is not being helpful by saying she has sort it out - it seems from what op is saying BIL is almost washing his hands of responsibility.

Although I do agree the DH is the bigger problem. In all honesty BIL should have kept his opinions to himself on this one unless he had something constructive to say.

You can legitimately fix it by leaving DH. If FIL is being awful to you, DH should have your back. You are his wife!

Basically 3 men want you as a servant

So as I understand it BIL got 50% of the house , DFIL got 25% and you have 25% but live in the house.

Hard situation. I think as DBIL got "his half" - if I understand that - he really should be helping out more but maybe he thinks you agreed to living there equated to looking after DFIL.

Not sure DH got a fair share here - why wouldn't It be a 50 / 50 split between he and his brother. ( I may have misunderstood.) As it is his father and he doesn't do any day to day stuff and he got 50% could he not pay for cleaners to try and help you out a bit. ?

Sorry if I have misunderstood - it sounds a slightly complex situation.

House gifted to sons during a divorce but then FIL carried on living there?
That’s… interesting.
Moving assets to screw his ex wife over?
And then your husband gave 25% of the market value (really?) to his dad who didn’t even own the property?
This is like a novel.

I’m not surprised BIL is enmeshed in this with opinions. Clearly within the family there are 3 men who do think it’s FIL’s home (if not legally his house). So no wonder they’re sympathetic to him being allowed to change his mind on a granny flat. Has your husband changed his mind too? He’d also lose some of the space by carving it up, perhaps?

If you can't leave right now, then at the very least from now on stop cooking for your FIL and DH. Your husband might begin to appreciate what a prick he's been once he starts picking up his own tasks...but I doubt it.

Make an appointment with a solicitor to get some advice on where you stand and then make good on your ultimatum.

I would make preparations to leave.
I would stop cooking for FIL and everything else immediately.

Your mental health is declining because you are being treated so poorly.

I could not stay with a man that did not have my back 100%

You ‘fix’ this by leaving.

Agree with some of what you say.

All of them have got themselves into a right pickle trying to mess about with "gifting" property and trying to avoid care home fees and it has started to become unstuck when the reality has hit home. Really hope they have done it properly through solicitors so if FIL needs more care than they are able to provide and needs to go into a care home they don't come after the house.

Common problem of people making decisions driven by greed and then not wanting to face up to the glaringly obvious consequences of those decisions.

Do you really own the house? Are your name on the deeds? If the house was gifted to both sons then why is FIL with you and why didnt you say that he stays 6 months with you and 6 months with BIL? I dont understand if it was gifted then why give 25% to FIL? what happens when FIL goes into care home?

This!

See a solicitor and file for divorce. Don’t bother trying to discuss it any further, you’re wasting your time. DH will panic when he realises his unpaid skivvy is off but you deserve better.

In the meantime, don’t do anything for the pair of them. You’re living separately until the house is sold.

So when are you leaving? Dh will regret this given you're married and if its a marital home you need to split it 50/50 so he and father in law will need to also relocate.

If BIL is so worried perhaps he should live with FIL.

Also an annexe was a perfectly reasonable solution. Dh is a prick.

At the point at which your FIL was insisting on being bought out 25% of a house he didn’t own, did you not stop and think that maybe he wasn’t going to be the easiest character to live with, annexe or not?

Were you railroaded into it by your husband?

And… forgive the armchair psychology - do you hate living with your FIL because you know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and you’re looking at your future life with your husband?

I agree with pp above. I'd fix this by leaving, serving divorce papers on your H and claiming your share of the marital assets. H and BIL can sort out FIL.

Absolutely agree with you - it is a big mess. Best thing op could probably do is sit down and have a very serious discussion with DH and go from there.

But would the marital assets be 25% of the house divided by 2 . ( IE DBIL and DFIL sounds like they own 75 % of it between them )

You’ve got possible inheritance tax issued here as well.

The house has been some sort of dodge, or FIL wouldn't have got 25%. Legally you'd have to explain what he was paid for. You've been fucked over by the three of them. The original agreement of the annexe happens, your BIL and DH step up and take on housework, or you go. But really the annexe should happen. Rarely do teens and 80+ year olds live together well. This could force your children out, in the future.

I'd be inclined to leave them all to it.
As to getting anything in a divorce settlement well you're in a quagmire that needs legal eyes to decode.

You dont have to end your marriage and get a divorce if you dont want to but you still want to leave. If you are miserable in your living arrangement and your OH wont change it you could live separately either by you renting and keeping your assets in the house or your partner buying you out of your share of the house so you can go buy own place. That might not be what you want but its also an option :)

BIL has done incredibly well out of this.

Gifted equity in a house he wouldn't have wanted to live in and wouldn't have been able to sell.

Bought out in cash - money for nothing.

Relieved of all caring responsibility for his aging and grumpy father because he has his brother's wife as a free live in maid.

Gets to weigh in with his unwanted opinions when the unpaid help has the nerve to voice discontent, and so feel like he is helping.

All the men in this family are doing you dirty.

Have you got somewhere to go?

Well we’re all just guessing due to drip feeds 🤷🏻‍♀️

But no, OP said thar the house was gifted to the two brothers during divorce. Clearly FIL continued to live there which makes me wonder if MIL got shafted. Afterall, we’re all getting the misogynist dick vibes. Then OP and husband decided they wanted the house. So they bought out brother making it 100% OP’s husband’s house. Or possibly OP’s too, if they had to mortgage jointly to do it. The 25% to FIL appears to have no legal basis, but does rather suggest that they all morally saw it has his house - even if he (maybe?) rather immorally packaged it as his sons’ years ago 😉