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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:
belge2 · 19/08/2023 09:05

I want to say YANBU at all. 14 is young. I am having similar issues with my 17 year old and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it (we are not on holiday but at home). Punishments don't work, taking phones etc - I have tried it. I have no idea what the answer is but I understand your worry and frustration totally.

liveforsummer · 19/08/2023 09:07

I don't think taking her phone away is a particularly natural consequence to this 'crime' no I wouldn't be happy but this is something that happened at her dads and really he should be dealing with it. In the mean time it's fine to say she can't go again this year - that is a natural and related consequence because it's simply not safe to be wandering the streets all night, dad isn't ensuring she's safe so you need to. Taking her phone away doesn't really tie in with that but I'd also be directing more anger at her dad rather than the dc who has just gone with the boundaries of the parent who was responsible at the time. Leave her with her phone

Cantstaystuckforever · 19/08/2023 09:09

My cousin was left in this position often by her dad, he was also separated, and liked his drink and his sleep so would leave her to it.
Unsurprisingly, she ended up in some very bad situations, and with inappropriate boyfriends very young.

I think the answer is not punishment for her, as she was in his care and his rules (or lack of them apply). Instead I'd be talking with him about what happens to unsupervised 14 year olds - and how he'd be culpable of neglect if he'd knowingly left her out all night like this.

For her, I'd scrap the punishments and have a heart to heart about why you have these concerns and rules.

Personally, I never had a curfew but my mum said I had to call by 11 to say where I was and share a safe plan for getting home, and she'd.always pick me up no question asked, or would otherwise be waiting for me - and that if I didn't get home as planned she'd be driving the streets looking for me, calling all my friends and their parents, and then the police. It meant we knew we had a safe lift back, but also that there was no sneaking about. My brothers pushed it occasionally but generally it was a lot safer than some of my friends with really strict parents, who hid things, or really lax ones.

helpfulperson · 19/08/2023 09:09

its not ok but i don't think you can make rules and issue punishments for things that happen when she is in her fathers care.

Original poster
Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:10

belge2 · 19/08/2023 09:05

I want to say YANBU at all. 14 is young. I am having similar issues with my 17 year old and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it (we are not on holiday but at home). Punishments don't work, taking phones etc - I have tried it. I have no idea what the answer is but I understand your worry and frustration totally.

It really is tough and sorry to hear you’re having similar issues. I imagine it gets harder to manage as they get older too.

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:10

I don't think it's fair to punish her. Her dad is the one I'd be mad at!

Original poster
Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:11

liveforsummer · 19/08/2023 09:07

I don't think taking her phone away is a particularly natural consequence to this 'crime' no I wouldn't be happy but this is something that happened at her dads and really he should be dealing with it. In the mean time it's fine to say she can't go again this year - that is a natural and related consequence because it's simply not safe to be wandering the streets all night, dad isn't ensuring she's safe so you need to. Taking her phone away doesn't really tie in with that but I'd also be directing more anger at her dad rather than the dc who has just gone with the boundaries of the parent who was responsible at the time. Leave her with her phone

I appreciate your input and something to think about regarding the phone. My logic was that it was something she had turned off (location etc) which was part of our agreeement.

I agree and I am far more angry at him and it’s much more his fault. But my words go in one ear and out the other with him.

OP posts:
ssd · 19/08/2023 09:11

Its the dad you need to deal with here.

Minttee · 19/08/2023 09:13

She did because her dad allowed her to. At 14 in her position I probably would have done the same thing. You need to deal with the dad here!

Upsizer · 19/08/2023 09:14

This

Original poster
Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:14

Appreciate I’m getting a lot of similar messages about dad here!

i completely agree and I am incredibly angry with him. But he simply won’t engage listen to my reasons for being concerned.

maybe I am being harsh on her re the phone. I guess I had hoped and expected that between her and I we could see boundaries knowing that her dad simply will not.

OP posts:
Upsizer · 19/08/2023 09:15

helpfulperson · 19/08/2023 09:09

its not ok but i don't think you can make rules and issue punishments for things that happen when she is in her fathers care.

Oops sorry this! You can’t just undermine her father’s parenting. You need to discuss it with him. If you can’t - you just need to model better behaviour but you have no control.

twinkletoesimnot · 19/08/2023 09:15

As a teen mum, who lied and lied, I don't think punishments will work.
The more you punish her, the more she will lie.
You can't go back on it now though or she'll feel like she can do what she wants and get away with it.
You need to be able to talk to her. She needs to understand your concerns and that you are only thinking of her best interests.
I wouldn't let her go with her dad anymore if he can't keep her safe.

Newusernameaug · 19/08/2023 09:16

Agree too that this is an ex problem. Sorry but if he lets her I can see why she is, and it’s harsh on you to then punish her.
unfortunately it goes back to - what he does on his time is down to him. You don’t get to decide that. As much as that sucks it’s the truth.

Original poster
Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:17

I guess another question then is what would you do when her dad doesn’t listen but she’s in what I consider unsafe environments etc when with him?

If he thinks her being out until 7am is ok and won’t put boundaries in place am I meant to just accept that?

OP posts:
Charrington · 19/08/2023 09:17

I think you’re right op - I wouldn’t overlook the fact that she turned her phone off. I wouldn’t go ott but a firm consequence is an act of love.

I spent a night roaming the streets with friends at 18 when we should have been old enough to know better. Predators know that dc out that late are easy pickings.

Cantthinkofausername2023 · 19/08/2023 09:18

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:17

I guess another question then is what would you do when her dad doesn’t listen but she’s in what I consider unsafe environments etc when with him?

If he thinks her being out until 7am is ok and won’t put boundaries in place am I meant to just accept that?

If her dad can't keep her safe then her dad can't take her on holiday again. It's as simple as that. This is a safeguarding issues not a respect issue.

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

PandaOrLion · 19/08/2023 09:18

Was she purposefully disobedient - did her dad say she had to be back at 10 and then she stayed out all night? I would struggle to punish her for a crime she didn’t know she had committed tbh.

id talk to her. Explain how worried I was and that made me feel angry and how I wanted to make sure she knew how serious the behaviour was. Maybe talk about how even if mum ans dad have different rules both parents are impacted by things like her turning her phone location off.

is she planning on going back there before the park closes? If so then the three of you need to talk together about the expectations you all have otherwise she will get caught in the middle ans push to see where the boundaries are.

Doingmybest12 · 19/08/2023 09:19

He isn't looking after her when he has her so she shouldn't go with him. That's the natural consequence and not a punishment for her. Ot is talking to her about the situation of him not being up to parenting her. What a stupid , lazy man.

Original poster
Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:20

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

I don’t quite know what they were doing but they didn’t stay in the park, they were roaming the town and seafront.

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/08/2023 09:20

Minttee · 19/08/2023 09:13

She did because her dad allowed her to. At 14 in her position I probably would have done the same thing. You need to deal with the dad here!

That. If her dad let her know that it was okay for her to do this when she was under his care, you can't punish her for doing it.

If you let her do something that he didn't like her doing, would you be happy with him punishing her?

Of course I wouldn't be happy with her staying out all night, but you're punishing her for her dad's actions in allowing it

Ineedasitdown · 19/08/2023 09:21

I voted yabu because she was in the charge of her other parent who allowed this. It’s him you should be dealing with. Not punishing her for what he allowed.

I would be dancing with rage too. He would have lost all trust from me. Do you have to let her go to this park in October?

10HailMarys · 19/08/2023 09:21

helpfulperson · 19/08/2023 09:09

its not ok but i don't think you can make rules and issue punishments for things that happen when she is in her fathers care.

Yes, I’m inclined to agree with this. She has two parents. The parent she was with at the time allowed her to do this. It’s her dad who is the problem here.

Cantthinkofausername2023 · 19/08/2023 09:22

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

She wasn't in the park, and even if she was they're not gated communities where everyone is dbs checked and vetted. There's a lot of weirdos about and then there's the issue of underage sex.

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