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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/08/2023 09:40

You were looking for a photo on her camera roll? Just admit that you were having a nosey through her phone!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/08/2023 09:40

At that age I’d have stayed out all night drinking, as would most of my peer group ( rural community, we had to make our own fun).

but I’d have been mad if my dds had done it and in all fairness it doesn’t seem like it would be the norm now at 14. We could all get into clubs etc when we were 14, that’s really not the case anymore.

LemonTT · 19/08/2023 09:40

Cantthinkofausername2023 · 19/08/2023 09:18

If her dad can't keep her safe then her dad can't take her on holiday again. It's as simple as that. This is a safeguarding issues not a respect issue.

Show quote history

But this might be something the OP cannot do unless her daughter and the ex cooperate. At 14 she can decide who she spends time with. The court can force share parenting. It won’t see a teen staying out all night as a safeguarding issue.

The OP needs to tread carefully otherwise she might get reactions from her daughter and the father that make matters worse.

Dolores87 · 19/08/2023 09:42

I don't think she has done anything wrong but her Dad has for allowing it. Its not safe. You are easily manipulated and vulnerable at that age. My parents let me do stuff like this from about 15 and I thought I was so grown up and my late teen life was damaging. I was raped once, sexually assaulted several other times found myself in weird situation with a 20 year old met who was trying to encourage me to buy some heroin with him (luckily i didnt, my parents were relaxed about drugs but had drilled it into me to never to "smack of crack" as my Dad put it).

Tbh i wouldn't be letting her go again. Its a safeguarding issue.

NewName122 · 19/08/2023 09:42

You can't punish her for something her dad, who has as much parental responsibility as you, allowed her to do. Wtf op. She's the child and her dad said she can. The man you made her with. She shouldn't listen to you over him or vis versa. You can't punish her. Your anger is at the wrong person.

FloweryName · 19/08/2023 09:42

You can’t punish her for something her Dad allowed her to do and you can’t control what she does when she’s with him.

All you can do is teach her to keep herself safe. It’s better for her to keep her phones location on than to turn it off out of fear of punishment, so focus on what you’re trying to achieve here, which is her staying safe. She’s old enough that you can tell her why you’re so worried and she needs to be able to come to you for help if she’s messed up (or her Dad has).

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/08/2023 09:43

The court can force share parenting. It won’t see a teen staying out all night as a safeguarding issue.

Is this true? That a court would not see a child who has just turned 14 staying out all night as a safeguarding issue. I would be extremely surprised if they didn't consider this to be a problem.

LakeTiticaca · 19/08/2023 09:43

Surprised that the police didn't round them up tbh, but then kids just seem to do as they please these days.
When I was going to work at 330am I saw groups of kids no more than 13/14 hanging around McDonalds drive through on more than one occasion.

3awesomestars · 19/08/2023 09:44

The safeguarding issue lies with her dad. And in turn if you don’t feel she is safe with him then she should not go as it is also your responsibility to keep her safe.
If he won’t listen then maybe that will be his wake up call. If you could not reach an agreement he would the have to go through the court.
Punishing her is not likely to work as her dad said it was OK. The lack of consistently between parents is likely to create more ‘behaviour’ problems in your view but not his, how confusing is that for a young person?
As parents you need to get together and agree consistent boundaries. Removing her phone because her parents can’t communicate is unreasonable.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/08/2023 09:44

How can he just go to sleep knowing that his barely turned 14 year old DD is roaming the streets!

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 09:44

14?? I have a DS almost that age and I would go mental! The only time he’s been up in the early hours has been at sleepovers at our house. Not ideal as he’s a grumpy and tired the next day but at least I know he’s safe.

Your ex sounds like he’s trying to be fun/cool dad or maybe he’s just too fucking lazy to parent properly but I would say you need to sit and talk with him and find some common ground.

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 09:45

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/08/2023 09:43

The court can force share parenting. It won’t see a teen staying out all night as a safeguarding issue.

Is this true? That a court would not see a child who has just turned 14 staying out all night as a safeguarding issue. I would be extremely surprised if they didn't consider this to be a problem.

You obviously don't have much experience of the courts then

My ex deliberately endangered my son's life and they didn't see that as an issue

CheshireCat1 · 19/08/2023 09:46

Your daughter is getting totally mixed messages here. One parent thinks her behaviour is fine, the other doesn’t. You, her dad and your daughter needs to come to some kind of compromise and stick to it, boundaries and consequences should be agreed by both parents . You all need to get together, decide the terms and all three agree to them.

Abergale · 19/08/2023 09:46

I don’t know what the answer is here but consider that next time she might just leave her phone at home so it looks like she’s not out. Which means if something bad does happen she can’t phone police or dad for help.

SlippySarah · 19/08/2023 09:46

My DC would not be going to their dad's if this type of relaxed parenting happened more than once. That's the only control you reasonably have. You can't tell him what to do or control how he parents but you can withhold visits.

ConnieTucker · 19/08/2023 09:47

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/08/2023 09:43

The court can force share parenting. It won’t see a teen staying out all night as a safeguarding issue.

Is this true? That a court would not see a child who has just turned 14 staying out all night as a safeguarding issue. I would be extremely surprised if they didn't consider this to be a problem.

They have very low standards. What exactly do you think they would do or have the power to do?

op, her father is the issue. He clearly cannot be arsed to parent. Not sure what you can do about it though.

try the measured, sensible parent advising on risky behaviours. He clearly wont parent her so you need to ensure she can assess risk.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 19/08/2023 09:47

Your DD isn't the main problem here - her dad is. Why is he seemingly not bothered about keeping his daughter safe?

Staying out till 3.30am at 12 and 7am at 14 is not okay, but it was her dad who was the adult in the situation. He could have stopped it, and chose not to.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 19/08/2023 09:47

Cantstaystuckforever · 19/08/2023 09:09

My cousin was left in this position often by her dad, he was also separated, and liked his drink and his sleep so would leave her to it.
Unsurprisingly, she ended up in some very bad situations, and with inappropriate boyfriends very young.

I think the answer is not punishment for her, as she was in his care and his rules (or lack of them apply). Instead I'd be talking with him about what happens to unsupervised 14 year olds - and how he'd be culpable of neglect if he'd knowingly left her out all night like this.

For her, I'd scrap the punishments and have a heart to heart about why you have these concerns and rules.

Personally, I never had a curfew but my mum said I had to call by 11 to say where I was and share a safe plan for getting home, and she'd.always pick me up no question asked, or would otherwise be waiting for me - and that if I didn't get home as planned she'd be driving the streets looking for me, calling all my friends and their parents, and then the police. It meant we knew we had a safe lift back, but also that there was no sneaking about. My brothers pushed it occasionally but generally it was a lot safer than some of my friends with really strict parents, who hid things, or really lax ones.

^This, with bells on. As you say you can discuss things better with her than her dad, who seems to be less of an adult than she is, I would think this is the way to go - don't take your anger at her dad out on her. Also, I would agree with another poster who said this is a safeguarding issue and she should just stop going to stay with him overnight until he can be trusted to take his parenting responsibilities seriously.

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 09:47

‘Is this true? That a court would not see a child who has just turned 14 staying out all night as a safeguarding issue. I would be extremely surprised if they didn't consider this to be a problem.’

they would of course, but by the time they actually can make an impact - after hearings, warnings, he’ll promise to keep her home, he won’t, then you’ll go back to court etc she’ll be 17 or 18 and it won’t matter.

it’s him you need to speak to directly. She’s is at risk. And I would say the same if she was a boy.

Shelby2010 · 19/08/2023 09:47

This is not a difference in parenting style on the level of eating junk food or staying up late on school nights. This is a 14 y old out all night with no one knowing where or who she was with.

Did they stay out or did they go back to one of the new ‘friends’ house or caravan - I don’t know where she was but the weather here was windy & wet last night. It’s very likely there was alcohol involved, possibly drugs, also she could be a lot younger than the other kids.

She deliberately turned her location off because she knew she wasn’t supposed to be roaming the streets at that time. Therefore the No Phone consequence is appropriate - also with teens, the only consequence that they tend to care about.

I also doubt that her dad gave her permission to be out that late. He is just covering his own massive parenting fail.

I don’t really know the best way to handle this, but given the potential dangers involved, I certainly web taking the attitude of ‘Can’t say anything when she’s with her dad’ - if he doesn’t give a fuck for her welfare, you’ll have to do the parenting for both of you.

My one concern about relying on the location app, is there any chance that she would leave her phone behind to ‘fool you’, thereby ending up more vulnerable?

Good luck!

ConnieTucker · 19/08/2023 09:47

Abergale · 19/08/2023 09:46

I don’t know what the answer is here but consider that next time she might just leave her phone at home so it looks like she’s not out. Which means if something bad does happen she can’t phone police or dad for help.

What bad thing would allow you to phone her dad or the police? How does a phone protect you?

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 09:47

3awesomestars · 19/08/2023 09:44

The safeguarding issue lies with her dad. And in turn if you don’t feel she is safe with him then she should not go as it is also your responsibility to keep her safe.
If he won’t listen then maybe that will be his wake up call. If you could not reach an agreement he would the have to go through the court.
Punishing her is not likely to work as her dad said it was OK. The lack of consistently between parents is likely to create more ‘behaviour’ problems in your view but not his, how confusing is that for a young person?
As parents you need to get together and agree consistent boundaries. Removing her phone because her parents can’t communicate is unreasonable.

It's not op's fault! It's pretty much impossible to force a shit parent to be a good one.

And cafcass have a very low bar for what they will expect (far lower, I expect, than if it was a social services intervention)

ErinAoife · 19/08/2023 09:48

Better than my ex who was supposed to be on holiday with the kids and left 16 years old home alone for a week as he did not want to deal with a sulky teenager without telling me or anyone else. I discovered it when I saw my son at 11pm in town with his friends.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/08/2023 09:49

The parent who was looking after her at the time allowed it so she shouldn’t really be punished. Maybe talk to her about making wise choices but don’t punish.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/08/2023 09:49

You can't reasonably punish a dc for doing something while in the care of her df that her df had OKed.

The answer is stopping overnight contact if she isn't safe in his care.