Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

[Teenoutallnight]

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

Agree with all of this.

It's difficult. On one hand supremely inappropriate, but it's dads fault. She has broken boundaries and that does need punishment. But at 14 she can vote with her feet. She could decide to go live with dad full time and there would be nothing you could do to stop her.

Reasonable punishment and a very good sit down discussion about what she was up to and the danger she was in probably best strategy. If dad won't clue into how dangerous it was, all you can do is educate her. Risks regarding going near the sea at night (any risk she was drinking?) with stories, risk from the new friends (from pregnancy to non-consentual), risk from strangers etc. Does she have friends, cousin, sister? Looking at the dangers how would she feel about them doing the same? And how her turning off her location means you wouldn't have been able to find her or send help if needed. Basically a good old too old for sheltering come to jesus talk. She wants to behave like an adult she could face adult consequences.

It's so dangerous what she's doing and she needs to be taught what kind of predators are out there carefree attitude towards life father's got and is he going to be there to pick up the pieces when something really bad happens to her is what I would be asking him. Doesn't he love his little girl enough to teach her properly and give boundaries so she can grow into a mature woman instead of a either pregnant teen or a victim of some sort of abuse. I would not let her stay over night with him again and by the time he gets a case through courts she will be old enough to work out how dangerous life is out there. I really feel for you. He's not caring for her he's trying to be her friend and not a parent. 😢

Its not her you should be angry with (disappointed and let down by her lack of common sense sure) but angry? She only did what her father allowed her to do.
Your anger needs to be directed at him, he's the one who allowed your daughter to be put at potential risks for horrible things to happen to her. He's the one who would be dealing with neglect charges if anything had happened to her.

I would say you can't be angry at her, she is under the care of her Dad and he is allowing it to happen. If anything be mad at him for allowing it but technically she has done nothing wrong so punishing her will probably end up with her falling out with you and wanting to spend more time with him where there seem to be no rules.

I’d start with location finder - if it’s EVER turned off then she loses her Phone.
Then tell her that if you report dad to social services she won’t be allowed to go there at all. Tell him also. She’s far far too young to be out all night and I’d be very surprised if it’s a group of them allowed to. Probably just 1 boy. I’d get a pregnancy test if I were you.

Totally agree here. No more overnights at Dad’s if he can’t understand that a 14 yo should not be out all night with “friends” with her location turned off on her phone. He’s not much of a parent.

I grew up in the US, where minors are not allowed to be out unsupervised after 1 am. I would definitely bring this up with your ex-partner, as when she is in his custody, HE is legally responsible for her. Do it in writing, and send a copy to your lawyer. I agree that teens get up to all kinds of sketchy sh*t, but that does not remove parental responsibility.

OP should first know whether this would be an adequate deterrent for her child. Some kids are bent on going out anyway; being without a phone would even play into their plan of going out, since you wouldn't even be able to phone them. (Ask me how I know...)

Well your ex sounds like an absolute prick! I had this sort of thing with my ex. The problem coming down the road is him being cool Dad and you being nasty Mum. Plus she is a teen and is going to take full advantage of this. Every time i punished my daughter for being naughty and doing stupid things she would call her Dad to come and get her ! Its a very difficult path. I wouldn't take her phone away, try and open up good communication with her. Don't let her go back down there this year. Think about how you are going to handle the next few years. Talk about her safety to her, paths, plans etc. and try and fill her summer holidays so she cant go away with him. In the long run it will be better for her. He cant look after her wellbeing , pure and simple.

I disagree with this. If Disney Daddy cannot be trusted to have boundaries to keep his DD safe, then he shouldn't be allowed to take her places overnight or have her for overnight. Someone has to keep DD safe and if Daddy won't, then it's the Mom's job, so she does have a say in his "decisions", especially when they are stupid ones.

In theory yes, the reality, if you've been burnt by the rough 'justice' (to put it politely) of the family courts is somewhat different.

Plus there's always the risk if mum over does the discipline that the daughter decides to live with dad andat 14 her voice will count for a lot.

It's an impossibly tricky balancing act when you have a reckless idiot for a co parent .

I hope the OP documents this and the other time it happened. It amazes me that the courts, who are supposed to protect the child, can fail so many children. One of the things that needs to stop is this "teen decides who they want to live with", when it frequently is nothing more than "which parent has deeper pockets to cater to my whims".

Oh I agree. I was so naive before I experienced the family courts. As a solicitor (practising in a very different field) it was utterly eye opening , in a devastating way.

They wouldnt keep my son safe from his dad and in the end my poor son decided to refuse to go, which was horrendous, the poor boy was broken as he loved his dad he just didn't feel at all safe there (his dad put his life at risk in a very deliberate way)

Educate her to why. Not safe is just too abstract for some 14 yr olds. Take her to see the film that’s recently been released on child trafficking. I’m not sure the age restriction but a friend of mine took her 14 year old. Find all forms of educating her to the realities. And that her age is often inclined for risk seeking behaviour. She’s getting attention from the boys and her dads asleep. The attention makes her feel good so possibly see if she can join a club or something and get healthy forms of attention and maybe gym so she starts working on long term strength.

Ps I think the dad is complete loser. Does he know what a dad is? Beyond words. Sorry you’re having to be the bad cop. Say to her she can earn her phone back by u and her watching x, y and z.

Yes take her phone off her.
She was the one that turned off her location.
That is really out of order.

Unfortunately your Ex-DH is utterly useless and irresponsible and that puts you between a rock and a hard place because of him.

I agree with this, whilst completely not acceptable it's not really a crime if dad is allowing it and therefore any punishment would be seen as unreasonable by the child. I also think you start to run the risk of DD not telling you stuff and not cooperating with location devices etc

14 year olds, particularly girls, think they're invincible, far more mature than they actually are, and don't worry about consequences of their actions. However you punish her will have little effect.
I'd sit her down, with her phone and say she has one last chance to keep it, but you want full disclosure, and an adult conversation about her time on the parks.
Ask her how she feels about curfews, ask about yours and your exes parenting style (they sound wildly different), and ask why she felt that it was OK to put herself into danger by staying out all night. Emphasise that you trust her, but not other people and outside influences. Ask what she would have done if she was injured, attacked, got lost. Communicate with her rather than punish.

Agree with every word Jojo that is exactly how we parent our 14 year old. If you have a stay at home sensible teen you won’t understand. Never had any of this with eldest but second is a very different character. Also thinks she is invincible and itching to get out into the world

YANBU I think a bit freedom is good but this is ridiculous. Anything could happen, an accident, someone come along and grab one of them, what are going to do Snap chat their way out of a bad situation? I'm a grown woman and I wouldn't do that.

There are wider issues here. A she is proving she cannot be trusted and is not mature enough to think about possible consequences which at 14 is no suprise.

B her father is irresponsible and his lies make things worse.

I would tell her she cannot go back to that place until she is old enough to go off on her own since she won't listen and I would not budge on that.

Second I would tell her father that until I am confident that he can act responsibly with her in his care NO overnight trips away but full access of course outside of that. This isn't the first time but for me it sure as hell would be the last.

@TheaBrandt been there, got the tshirt. 12 to 18 are rickety years even with a teen that listens- I've had both sides of the coin.

Some of the posters who think this is fine, really? It's not safe for an adult woman nowadays to be wandering at night, and a 14 year old girl (and teens are prime for making bad choices) is just a sitting duck for predators...I'd be incandescent with rage at your selfish ex for not ensuring her safety.

I really like this. ☝️

While I was generally a really nice, sensible kid I craved freedom at that age. My parents were super strict, conservative and judgemental. So I just lied, snuck about, and put myself in some really iffy situations. I was lucky to come through those years unscathed and can recognise now how naive I was.

From around 14 I would go to this one friend's house for a 'sleepover' and then we'd get drunk and go out to this dodgy club. Her mum didn't care what we did, in fact I think she bought the alcohol for us.

With other friends we would say we were at each others houses, then go and hang out in the park getting drunk and stoned.

When I read about parents who took a more relaxed approach, no curfew, always on-call for a lift no questions asked, I think wow I would have been much happier and safer if mine had been like that.

Also I read the title as meaning "I just turned my 14 year old daughter out on the streets until 7am" and was like wtf?!