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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 19/08/2023 10:08

WandaWonder · 19/08/2023 10:04

Not ideal what happened but why do you feel you have the right to override him?

You don't own what happens with him when they are together

and the bar for fathers falls lower and lower

Sallyh87 · 19/08/2023 10:08

YANBU at all! At 14 (a child) she is so susceptible to peer pressure etc. Also, I’m sure creepy people go to holiday parks as they do everywhere else! Her dad is a joke.

No idea what you do though, other than explaining why she shouldn’t and putting a consequence in place. I’m sure you can do some kind of parental lock on the phone so she cannot change the settings.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/08/2023 10:09

I don’t think you can punish her for what she does on his watch, and things that he agreed to. That’s just not fair.

Your beef is with your exh here.

NOTANUM · 19/08/2023 10:10

There is nothing about your DD’s behaviour that would make me feel more lenient than you do already. She is barely 14!
Your ex is a disgrace but you can’t change him. Don’t waste a single cell of energy on thinking about him.
This is all about your DD and boundaries. I’m shocked any poster thinks walking around a semi-known town all night is fine.

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 10:11

I think you are in a very tough situation. I am not sure I would want to punish my child for behaving exactly as a young teenager does when parents are absent. It's her dad who needs to be punished; what an absolute waste of space he is.

I feel your frustration. My ex-husband is useless, too. He refuses to do boundaries because he "doesn't want any conflict".

I would keep her away from his as much as possible and just try to keep your relationship with her close and loving. The more they talk to their parents, the safer they are.

Tandora · 19/08/2023 10:12

Omg this is absolutely terrifyingly reckless parenting by your ex. YANBU at all to be extremely upset about it and not to let her go on these trips with her dad anymore. YABU for punishing her however. She was under he dads care and he was responsible for setting rules and boundaries. If she were mature enough to be expected to do this for herself, she would be mature enough to go out all night as and when she choses. She’s still and child and that’s why all of this is wrong.
I think the only thing you can do in this situation is not let your ex have her overnight.

Canisaysomething · 19/08/2023 10:12

ssd · 19/08/2023 09:11

Its the dad you need to deal with here.

100% this. She's a child and he's the adult who's totally failing her.

NoraBattysCurlers · 19/08/2023 10:14

YANBU.

14 is very young to be wandering around a town until 7:00 in the morning.

bemorelemmy · 19/08/2023 10:15

HamishTheCamel · 19/08/2023 09:10

I don't think it's fair to punish her. Her dad is the one I'd be mad at!

good point

ArabeIIaKarenScott · 19/08/2023 10:15

I think you are in a very tough situation. I am not sure I would want to punish my child for behaving exactly as a young teenager does when parents are absent. It's her dad who needs to be punished; what an absolute waste of space he is.

I don't think all teenagers would go out all night, tbh. I think this may be OP's DD actually begging for someone to look out for her - pushing the boundary as a kind of cry for help.

Thesenderofthiscard · 19/08/2023 10:17

MY BFF had absent parents and a lot of freedom, I was very envious when we were teens but she is still dealing with MH issues 30 years on from that time.
She had experiences far too young, she wasn’t ready. And she got in some very dicey situations that could have gone very very wrong.

Sugarfree23 · 19/08/2023 10:17

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

Are you being serious?
She's 14 little or no supervision, you have no idea who she is hanging out with or what they are doing in the middle of the night, drink, drugs, sex?

Op I'd be asking what the Dad thinks she is doing?

XelaM · 19/08/2023 10:18

I have a 13-year-old and your ex is fucking nuts to have allowed that and gone to bed!

I think not allowing her to go back us reasonable, but taking her phone is not. You're just alienating her. I would also allow her to continue her Snap streaks. But I'm quite soft 🤷‍♀️ Having a good relationship with your teen is important though and taking their phone will just make them hate you.

Guiltridden12345 · 19/08/2023 10:20

I think I’d be saying to dad that ye can’t have her in overnights at all because of the negligent parenting. Young girjs out all hours are vulnerable and will meet undesirable people who see their vulnerabilities and prey on them. Drugs, sec, crime etc are all too available at night when most Kids are tucked up.

If he doesn’t agree to proper rules that keep her safe then I’d deny access and call in social services with the all nighter story as key evidence. It sounds extreme but it’s your job to keep her safe; you know of his negligent parenting and are obligated to act. If she is attacked, raped or worse, you would never forgive yourself for not acting and arguably would share some responsibility for allowing the situation to continue if you don’t.

i agree on not punishing her for following dads rules. I do agree with sanction for turning off the facility that allowed you to check that eye was

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 10:21

ArabeIIaKarenScott · 19/08/2023 10:15

I think you are in a very tough situation. I am not sure I would want to punish my child for behaving exactly as a young teenager does when parents are absent. It's her dad who needs to be punished; what an absolute waste of space he is.

I don't think all teenagers would go out all night, tbh. I think this may be OP's DD actually begging for someone to look out for her - pushing the boundary as a kind of cry for help.

Yes, I agree she is crying out for boundaries just as all teenagers do, but she isn't going to get any from her useless father. So she will keep pushing - and being at risk :(

Guiltridden12345 · 19/08/2023 10:22

Agggh posted too soon!

…that allowed you to check that she was safe. And make it clear that the rules are to keep her safe not ruin her fun and make it clear that boundaries at home must be followed too. Don’t make her an enemy but so point out what can happen to vulnerable girls who are out unsupervised at night.

BCBird · 19/08/2023 10:22

OP I think it her dad who needs to be spoken to severely. He is ridiculous and frim what you say a liar too.. It not fair to punish her because you can't get him to be responsible. As for turning her fone off, no doubt it is because she didnt want you to know.

RainCloudsInTheSky · 19/08/2023 10:23

I wouldn’t let my 14 year old do it either so yanbu but I’m not sure about punishing her as she did have her dads permission. It’s not like she snuck out in the night or anything like that. Dad was ok with it. It’s a tricky one.

CharlieBoo · 19/08/2023 10:23

Absolutely not on.. i just wouldn’t let her go again.

LaMadameCholet · 19/08/2023 10:23

She doesn’t need punishing, she needs protecting. This is an appalling lack of care of such a young girl.

BCBird · 19/08/2023 10:24

It easier for him to be cool, read here irresponsible, dad and worse for you to be strict, read here responsible, mom.

CarSeatNeeded · 19/08/2023 10:27

Another one who thinks she testing her father. She knows this isn’t proper parenting. She’s pushing him to react, respond, worry because she knows from her mother that’s the appropriate parental response. His behaviour is screaming I don’t give a shit, you aren’t worth worrying about. Last time she came back really late and he didn’t notice or care. So this time she stayed out until breakfast to see if that had an impact.

next she’ll find an older boyfriend to be a father figure who cares, and he’ll also treat her badly because that’s the standard she expects from men who are supposed to love you.

Gnomegnomegnome · 19/08/2023 10:27

She shouldn’t be going to dads if he can’t ensure her safety. Simple as that.

We see it a lot in Newquay and Rock, young teens on holiday with their families who are no where to be seen. As an adult I wouldn’t be out alone in the early hours around here.

Guiltridden12345 · 19/08/2023 10:27

And I regularly take phone as a sanction. It’s a killer for a teen (I too have a 13/14 yr old) so it hits home in a way other sanctions don’t. I have a great relationship with my teen so disagree sanctions will make her hate you. They may resent it at the time but they do get it if you take the time to explain reasoning (find my function for safety, you turned it off deliberately, trust issue, here’s the sanction) and are firm in your boundaries. It’s a rare but useful sanction; if I do it my teen knows a) shes overstepped the mark and b) I mean business, hence she doesn’t argue. And afterwards we chat so she understands the underlying learning intended by the sanction.

Jamjarcandlestick · 19/08/2023 10:27

OP I feel sick on your behalf.

are you in communication with any of his family? Ask them to give his head a wobble.

Not to scare you, but maybe give his head a wobble could you ask him to sort out BC for his daughter.

also agree with PP for someone slightly older than her to to give her a chat on staying safe/give her a couple of horror stories.