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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 19/08/2023 09:23

God I’d be raging OP. She’s so young and a lot of our seaside towns are very druggy. Have you asked her what she was doing? Drinking?

Her dad sounds like a neglectful arsehole and I wouldn’t let her go there again until she’s older.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 09:24

Well I wouldn't allow her to stay with him overnight again. If he wanted to take that to court, then good luck to him. It would be daytime visits from now on.

As far as her phone is concerned, I always think that you shouldn't punish them in a way that will make your life a misery. That's why I rarely grounded my children because they would stay in the house and mither the life out of me.

However, I do think she needs a phone related punishment. She turned off location finding. That was a very very dangerous thing for her to do and she needs to understand that.

MyrrAgain · 19/08/2023 09:24

Being out until 7am as a 14 year old is not ok. She also turned off location on her phone. Why? Because she knew she was doing wrong by being out so late and would be in trouble with you. So I think you can punish that behaviour from her. But the rest is down to the dad and his "parenting". It's not fair on you because it pits you against each other in terms of parenting and boundaries for the child. So she can now come back at you and say dad said it was ok.

liveforsummer · 19/08/2023 09:25

My logic was that it was something she had turned off (location etc) which was part of our agreeement.

This is something you can't really insist on when she's with another parent though. He can of course insist on this but he clearly hasn't so still she's followed the boundary of the one parenting her at the time

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 19/08/2023 09:27

Yanbu. My dd is 14 next month and there’s no way she’d be staying out like an alley cat all night. Your ex needs to have a word with himself, he’s trying to be the ‘cool dad’.
Really annoying that you’ve had to deal with her grumpiness after being out all night. Its like he’s dumped her on you to deal with her.

cuckyplunt · 19/08/2023 09:27

I would never take the phone, if she does get into trouble she needs to be able to reach out. I would be looking to limit her access to apps though.

Saltybanana · 19/08/2023 09:28

People are referring to your DD being in the ‘care’ of the other ‘parent’ - but there’s no care or parenting happening here.
Anything could have happened to your DD, OP - this is neglect!
No one needs to be out all night like that, let alone a 14 year old girl - how on Earth were they filling all that time?

Original poster
Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:28

It’s really good to hear from other parents.

both times she has deleted phone calls and messages to try and cover up being out and I’m not a fan of the lying side of it.

And maybe I expect too much from her - to be honest she’s much more capable of an adult conversation than her dad which is why the dynamic has been then asking her to do things that keep her safe (Eg sun cream since she was 9/10) but perhaps not fair on her in this instance.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 19/08/2023 09:29

That sounds like just the scenario that would see a sexual assault being likely.

FerryPink · 19/08/2023 09:30

Yanbu. But punishing her isnt the solution as it happened on dad's watch.

I'd be talking to her about the risks.

And I would be telling off dad!

Cherrysoup · 19/08/2023 09:30

She would not be going on holidays with him again, I find his behaviour and hers absolutely unacceptable. She’s only just 14 and vulnerable. I hate to think what could happen to her. A quick glance at any day’s news give# you good reason to stop him taking her away again.

AdviceOnLife · 19/08/2023 09:31

I was this teen who was given lots of freedom on a holiday park with friends each weekend.
It was great fun and I have lot of lovely memories.
BUT I also placed myself in very dangerous situations. Two particular ones I remember and feel to this day. And now as a mother looking back and see the danger we put ourselves in - (and where allowed to put ourselves in by the grown ups)-I'm horrified.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 09:31

Sympathy. Have same age Dd who is also extremely social and loves being out and about. We try to let her be as free as possible good parenting and safety allowing. This is outrageous. Being out all night at that age is not ok.

That said wading in Victorian parent style shouting and yelling won’t work. Firm conversation putting your view across agreement on fair curfew going forward and one dull weekend not going out would be our approach. The dad sounds shit fortunately Dh and I on same page.

Velvian · 19/08/2023 09:31

The problem is her dad, not your DD. I don't think that you can reasonably expect DD to follow your rules when she is with her dad.

You need to find something that will prompt him to be more responsible. Whether that's appealing to someone he respects to speak to him about it. Or taking advice from social services or the police. Would the threat of reporting him to either prompt any change?

Don't punish DD, it will drive her towards her dad. Do speak to her about your concerns in a non judgmental way and use some examples of things going wrong from your own experience.

CornishTiger · 19/08/2023 09:32

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 09:24

Well I wouldn't allow her to stay with him overnight again. If he wanted to take that to court, then good luck to him. It would be daytime visits from now on.

As far as her phone is concerned, I always think that you shouldn't punish them in a way that will make your life a misery. That's why I rarely grounded my children because they would stay in the house and mither the life out of me.

However, I do think she needs a phone related punishment. She turned off location finding. That was a very very dangerous thing for her to do and she needs to understand that.

Absolutely this.

If he can’t parent her effectively stop the contact where he allows unsafe situations.

AnSolas · 19/08/2023 09:32

Upsizer · 19/08/2023 09:15

Oops sorry this! You can’t just undermine her father’s parenting. You need to discuss it with him. If you can’t - you just need to model better behaviour but you have no control.

Show quote history

What parenting was the dad doing?

Allowing his 14 year old girl out all night?

Drinking, drugs, unproteccted sex, rape, murder where is dad on these risks

Preventing of situations that a 14year old is not equiped to handle is parenting. Not popping her out the door to wander back in at dawn.

OP if you can not trust her dad you need to step up and take control untill she understands that the rules are there to protect her. And as her friends have poor parents you need to give her the oppertunity to make other friends.

Hopingforagreatescape · 19/08/2023 09:34

Yes, it's a safeguarding issue. Her dad is failing to keep her safe.

In the meantime, rather than punish her for her dad's failure, try talking to her as a pp said about what can happen to girls out till 7am with strangers. She's so young and has no experience of how awful other people can be - probably thinks everyone is lovely and would never do anything (or not do anything in her dad's case) to hurt her.

Shodan · 19/08/2023 09:35

I'd be taking her phone, because she broke her promise to you to keep her location finder on. That was sneaky. I'd also be making it crystal clear that being untrustworthy has consequences for things she may want to do in the future.

As for 'not undermining the father'- that's just a wet cop out. OP's DD is only just 14- her safety and welfare is far more important than pandering to the potential hurt feelings of a useless and ineffective parent. By all means rage at him OP, if you can be bothered to waste the energy, but I suspect it will do nothing.

I wouldn't be allowing any further visits to this holiday park with an unsuitable adult either.

whereismysleep · 19/08/2023 09:35

cocunut · 19/08/2023 09:18

YABU and very precious. They're in a group, they have phones, they're in a holiday park..?? I don't see the issue at all here unless they are drinking underage which obviously is illegal and dangerous.

Wow, this is a naive response! I was out roaming the streets at 14. (My parents thought I was at a friend's house and never checked up).

I was drinking, having sex and, by 15, taking drugs most weekends. I thought I was old enough to basically be an adult. I mean, I had a great time, but looking back I'm terrified for my young self, some of the situations I got myself into and how trusting I was of the world. I'm very, very lucky I didn't get into more harm.

No way would I let my 14 year old roam the streets now!

OP I do agree that the phone is a red herring. Sit down with her and have a chat about why you're so worried about her. Not going back this summer if her dad can't safeguard her us a natural consequence. But if she can engage in a conversation with you, give her her phone back. It might help build trust, maybe, that you're on her side and not just trying to spoil her fun.

Redraddisho27 · 19/08/2023 09:37

I would sit her down and talk about the risks. Get her to think/brainstorm with you about what sorts of situations she could be exposed to. Talk to her in grown up calm way.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/08/2023 09:37

I don't think it's fair to punish a child for being totally neglected by her other parent. She is only just 14 and she will not necessarily have the judgment to realise that what her parent is permitting is not OK.

I wouldn't let her stay overnight with him again tbh, unless there was clear evidence that he was going to take some responsibility.

Velvian · 19/08/2023 09:38

Also OP, I'd be worried if an adult didn't return from a night out, never mind a child. At best, her dad is extremely naive.

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 09:39

I wouldn’t take the phone, but I’d just say she can’t go there. Her dad clearly doesn’t care about her safety being out all night. If the police saw them they’d be bringing them all home.

Maray1967 · 19/08/2023 09:39

RudsyFarmer · 19/08/2023 09:29

That sounds like just the scenario that would see a sexual assault being likely.

Yes, that would be my fear as well. I would be furious if my 15 year old DS was out all night.

I think the phone removal is appropriate as she has broken an agreement on how it is to be used. I would (1) hit the roof with her useless DF and (2) try to get her to understand the risks she’s running. Best of luck. I’ve had it relatively easy with Ds2 as he is appallingly judgemental on his peers who are drinking, vaping etc. DS1 was harder work. The week he spent in Magaluf at 18 was the longest week of my life.

SchoolBlazers · 19/08/2023 09:39

I have three older teens, my youngest has just turned 15. There is NO WAY they would be out all night with my permission. My youngest is usually out (in the early summer when it's light) until about 10pm and I always always say to him "home before it's dark". We live in a quiet suburban area without much trouble but still, I am not up for having a group of kids wandering.

Young kids can get themselves into all sorts of trouble, any adult spotting a group of teens hanging around at 3am or 4am is going to assume they are up to no good. Lots of older adults looking out for kids to befriend and get into all manner of dodgy behaviour. Other kids decide they've had enough and go home, and your DD is walking back on her own at 4am. And that's just the start of it. Agree though that the teenager isn't at fault here, it's the parent who is not appreciating how dodgy this really is.

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