Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

[Teenoutallnight]

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

At 16 I left my son for a couple of nights, but he wasn’t the party holding type. At 16 he could certainly look after himself for a few days, wouldn’t consider it a safeguarding issue at that age

Better than my ex who was supposed to be on holiday with the kids and left 16 years old home alone for a week

A 16 year old at home on their own for a week is less of an issue than a just 14 year old out all night in an unfamiliar place with people they barely know.

She's only just turned 14 (not sure why the refs to 15 year olds!) and that's still young even with today's savvy kids. Anyone of that kind of age hanging around the streets until all hours is fair game to a lot of n'er do wells. There could be a whole range of situations, especially if some drink or drugs is involved where she will be out of her depth and potentially vulnerable to assault. OP, you need to spell this out to her with strong examples of what might happen including the fact that older teens who might make out they're looking out for her can have ulterior motives. Her dad sounds irresponsible but you can't control that.

Are you for real?! If you heard that your little sister or friend, who is small and hasn't really had alcohol before, was about to stay out wandering around town and parks with a group of men 6 years older than her until 7.30am, would you think this was in any way safe? Even into your 20s or beyond, I'd be concerned about this situation.

Even without an actual sexual assault or drug issue, this is the kind of situation where girls feel that they can't refuse when a guy makes a move - or that they are a bit drunk and feel flattered and end up with an std or a pregnancy or a lifetime regret.

Absolutely no, the dad is way out of line for allowing it.

I once rang my Dad from the worst part of town where I was stood incredible wasted with my boyfriend who had passed out. I rang him as i didnt know what to do. Its very likely id bave been mugged if I hadn't considering where I was and how wasted i was. Definitely think having a phone is better then none.

Really? In the cases of younger teens being roped into crime, sometimes when older lads have killed someone, you don't think "what was a 14/15 year old doing out at 4am? Or when watching the YouTube videos when the police are begging parents to know we're there 12-16 year old are? It isn't necessarily an issue with them, it's who they bump into at those times.

It's more dangerous for her to switch her phone off, but at least if something happens it publicly shows that you didn't agree with her being out at that time.
@below at 17, it isn't comparable. If everything else is ok in their life, it's an age were they are becoming an adult.

You are incredibly naive if you think a group of 14 year olds are staying out until 7am and are not drinking or taking drugs.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

I agree with others though that you need to explain why rather than punish.

OP, it's too late for a child that age, absolutely. You are quite right.

Your daughter needs boundaries and she needs to know her responsible adults are going to keep her safe. She may say differently, but security and trust in her parents is something every child needs to feel safe, loved, and cared for.

She’s acting like an adult but she’s not

Also agree that punishment is not the way to go. Unless it's her dad you're thinking of punishing ...

It's a tricky one. For what it's worth, my son was his most rebellious between 14 and 16 and we had a lot of him not coming back at the agreed times, or numerous messages saying "just on my way back" over the course of the evening but he never actually appeared.

I suppose the question is, what is she like at home? Does she respect the boundaries you put in place at home?

I would feel exactly as you do, very cross it had been allowed to happen. But if her dad has different boundaries and she didn't do anything he wasn't happy about, then she hasn't done anything wrong.

I never took DS phone away, even in the midst of the worst if his behaviour. It was the means by which he could contact us if needed.

In your situation I think I would be having conversations about why this isn't a good idea and if it continues to happen while she is away with dad, then you will seriously consider not agreeing for her to go if she can't keep herself safe. From what you have said, it's pointless having these conversations with Dad

Not ideal what happened but why do you feel you have the right to override him?

You don't own what happens with him when they are together

You need to give her some credit for the fact that she was honest about what she did and that Dad wasn't there.

This. Make it clear the phone removal is for turning off location sharing. Although you may want to ensure that the rules are that she should have her phone on her, charged up and with location sharing turned on. Otherwise you may find that her phone is intermittently allowed to run out of charge or forgotten when she goes to visit her Dad in the future. She will appreciate the boundaries when she is older.

As a mother of two DDs I felt sick reading your OP. She’s being putting herself in an extremely vulnerable position by roaming the streets all night.
Do not leave it to her useless dad to deal with it, you need to protect your dd and let her know how naive she is being. I definitely would take her phone off her (she switched of location services on it) and I wouldn’t let her go back to the park this year.

Also is there another relative/ adult friend who she really likes? If so I’d ask them to have a chat with her, about how vulnerable she is making herself. Just so she knows it isn’t just her mum “over reacting”.

My DD did something similar at 14, (climbed out of a house she was having a sleep over at and walked down country roads in the middle of the night, to another “friends” house). I made sure she knew how stupid she’d been and then asked a relative who Dd really admired, to talk to her. She’s in her 20s now and doesn’t remember what I said to her at the time but does remember the other adult’s chat.

Of course having a phone is better than not, especially if you have realised you have entered a situation which might become dangerous, but having one doesn't mean you will be safe.

This x 100.

Was she "out on the streets" or in the confines of a holiday camp?

I don’t think it’s right you punish her for something her dad allowed her to do. That’s sending massively mixed messages and could end up with your DD refusing to come home to you one day. It’s not the greatest but it’s her dad you need to be having this conversation with.

No I would not be happy but you are making a rod for your own back by punishing. How are you meant to get her on your side and make her see that what she is doing is dangerous? She will just do stuff behind your back.

i understand what everyone’s saying about not punishing the staying out, as her dad allowed it, but agree that if she turned off the findaphone app or whatever you use, and this is against what the two of you had agreed, then there should be a consequence for that.

'Out on the streets' it says so in the OP as well as in updates

If she’s ‘in trouble’ that would make it hard for her to tell you if anything did happen that she might actually wish she could talk to you about, or even if there was just anything that made her feel uncomfortable. Hopefully it was all fine and she’s oblivious and it just all felt adventure. But as a teen I got into some bad situations which I kept hidden when I could really have used some help because I was worried about being told off or upsetting my mum.

Is there a way to have a conversation with her about why it isn’t safe to be out all night, what is ok in terms of exploration, how it’s hard because teenage brains are wired for peer approval and risk taking along with all the hormones, and that she can talk to you if she gets in over her head, even if it means telling you she’s broken a rule? I’m not a parent but I also would not be at all worried about undermining his ‘ parenting’ - i’d say to her that as a man maybe he doesn’t know how hard it is being a teenage girl and all the pressures and the things you have to think about, so if she will be staying with him through teenage years then important for her to understand why you do have those rules to keep her safe.

I voted YANBU for the OP but in your case for a 17yr old, YABU - they are about to turn adult and spending time out socialising safely is fine (unless there are massive drip feeds about SN)