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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just turned 14 year old daughter out until 7am in holiday town

308 replies

Teenoutallnight · 19/08/2023 09:00

I just want to get some other opinions on this as I’m really angry with both my DD14 and her dad. For context we’re not together and haven’t been for many years and at some points have co-parented fine.

They visit a holiday park in the UK several times a year. A couple of months ago, when she was there, it turned out she had stayed out until at least 3.30 in the morning, sitting on the sea front, with a couple of teen boys (friends). I found this out because I was looking for a photo on her camera roll and saw pictures taken of her and friends at those times. Her dad didn’t even stay up to make sure she got back in safely. At the time her punishment was to not be able to stay down there for more than one night and to let me know when she was in and safe.

Fast forward to today and she has come back from a week away down there. We’d turned on family sharing on apple so I could see her location. On her last night she turned this off. It turns out she got home at 7am having been out roaming the town all night. She just turned 14 two weeks ago. She was with two friends and two new kids they’d met. I have no idea what they were doing 10-7am and not did her dad or any of the other parents. Her dad did know she was out though and allowed her to stay out/went to bed himself.

She was given boundaries and trust and I really feel like she’s broken them. She’s also an emotional wreck having had a night of no sleep. I plan to take her phone away for a week and not allow her to go down there again this year (park closes in October)

Her dad for his part lied and said he was stargazing with her and then that he was with them but she’s said he wasn’t. He has also said that he thinks the freedom is good for her and that she was ‘safe’ as she was with other kids. I don’t think freedom is a kid with their location turned off with other kids (some of whom they don’t know) roaming the town until 7am.

I guess I’m asking how you would respond to this, are my punishments too harsh (she’s devastated about losing her Snapchat streak), would you be angry?

For voting purposes

YABU - chill she’s 14 and being out until 7am is reasonable
YANBU - not a chance in hell my 14 year old would be allowed to be out until 7am

OP posts:

BrawnWild · 21/08/2023 18:16

Dad is the problem and his contact needs reviewing. He is not keeping her safe.

trelawney59 · 21/08/2023 18:25

If a teacher had ‘allowed’ this to happen on a residential trip to a young person in their care they’d lose their job…..

FerryPink · 21/08/2023 18:26

trelawney59 · 21/08/2023 18:25

If a teacher had ‘allowed’ this to happen on a residential trip to a young person in their care they’d lose their job…..

If a teacher did to my son what my ex did to my son they would be in jail. Cafcass set the bar very low unfortunately

Muminthewoods19 · 22/08/2023 08:21

Exactly this and I voted YABU because of the punishment of your daughter for her Dad's lack of rules and judgement

Stoptheworldpls · 22/08/2023 09:28

Yeah your ex husband shouldn't have lied.
But maybe he sees how his daughter is so restricted with you. She was clearly safe and brought up well enough to not doing anymore more stupid than an all nighter.

I had a very strick and obsessive mother. Age 16 I moved in with my Dad.

29 now amd not seen her in 6 years.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 14:40

Stoptheworldpls · 22/08/2023 09:28

I had a very strick and obsessive mother. Age 16 I moved in with my Dad.

29 now amd not seen her in 6 years.

And that's why you think letting a 14 year-old roam the streets at night is acceptable?

Nanaof1 · 25/08/2023 19:35

FerryPink · 21/08/2023 00:13

Oh I agree. I was so naive before I experienced the family courts. As a solicitor (practising in a very different field) it was utterly eye opening , in a devastating way.

They wouldnt keep my son safe from his dad and in the end my poor son decided to refuse to go, which was horrendous, the poor boy was broken as he loved his dad he just didn't feel at all safe there (his dad put his life at risk in a very deliberate way)

Show quote history

I am so very sorry that this happened to you and your DS. Sometimes it sounds like family court is for anything but the family. I hope your DS is doing better now. He's lucky to have you in his corner.

Nanaof1 · 25/08/2023 19:38

Jojofjo44 · 21/08/2023 09:00

14 year olds, particularly girls, think they're invincible, far more mature than they actually are, and don't worry about consequences of their actions. However you punish her will have little effect.
I'd sit her down, with her phone and say she has one last chance to keep it, but you want full disclosure, and an adult conversation about her time on the parks.
Ask her how she feels about curfews, ask about yours and your exes parenting style (they sound wildly different), and ask why she felt that it was OK to put herself into danger by staying out all night. Emphasise that you trust her, but not other people and outside influences. Ask what she would have done if she was injured, attacked, got lost. Communicate with her rather than punish.

Great post. Well-thought-out and the best advice.

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