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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
Incommon · 19/08/2023 05:27

I think it's just something people say. The same people will speak to people who have two boys and say how lovely that is because boys are easier than girls and brotherly bonds are special and then they'll talk to someone with two girls and say how lovely that is because girls are so lovely and they'll have a lovely relationship when they get older.

People don't really think about, or mean, half the things they say.

BoomBoom70 · 19/08/2023 05:28

Aren’t you overthinking this and I imagine if it was another son they would say ‘how lovely to have two boys’ etc.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 19/08/2023 05:28

You’re overthinking. They’re being nice, making light conversation. Two of the same would be equally lovely but this way you get the best of both.

FrozenGhost · 19/08/2023 05:32

Agree, it's just making conversation. "You're having a (whatever) - oh how lovely!". Doesn't mean if you were having the opposite it wouldn't be lovely.

DivingForLove · 19/08/2023 05:34

I assure they wouldn’t say it’s lovely to have two boys 🙄. Most people said “oh well as long as it’s healthy” to me as a commiseration for having a second boy.

Twats.

oh and everyone who has two is an expert on boys and girls too 😄

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 19/08/2023 05:41

It’s mostly just people coming out with cliches for something to say. Most wont care and you’re taking it way too seriously.

Others will say it because they buy into gender bullshit and think your son will go to the football with dad and your daughter can shop with you. 🙄 They’re dickheads, ignore them and don’t let those ones around your kids too much because stereotypes are harmful to children.

Goldencup · 19/08/2023 05:42

I have one of each and got this too. DH is one of 2 boys, I am one of 2 girls, part of me was a little bit sad that neither of my children have a same sex sibling. The most annoying comment was MIL " your so clever" - what bollocks.

TulipCat · 19/08/2023 05:43

People trot out silly clichés in these kinds of conversation. When I announced that DS2 was a second and final boy, I got "Ohh how nice, they can play football together" and "no friendship dramas for you" etc.

Goingcrazyimsure · 19/08/2023 05:43

What do you want them to say?! It's just people responding to information. They probably don't care that much but want to respond positively because they care about you.

Fucket · 19/08/2023 05:43

we are a family of 6, youngest DS is quite a bit younger than his only brother. He is sandwiched between 2 girls.

Despite my best efforts to raise them gender neutrally, and both DH and I running the family 50/50 and both working I’ve ended up with stereotypical girls and boys.

this has caused friction, boy wants to play fight, and loves rough and tumble. Girls wants to play kitchens and babies.

the arguments, fights and screaming of, “why did I have to have a brother/sisters!”

the costs in having separate toys and interests.

I know what may be in wait for a parent of children of both sexes. When I’m 60 and finally through the adolescent years, if I tell a young mum of a family of different sexed children. “oh how wonderful to have one of each.” I will categorically be thinking of the very, very different unique complexities of either sex and I will not be thinking that family has hit some sort of life jackpot. It will be said as to make you feel special as no doubt you might already be thinking, “ok this may not be as easy as if we just had another girl/boy”

Spottypineapple · 19/08/2023 05:48

I agree with PP that 'its just something people say' but that doesn't make it any less bloody annoying!

I'm having a second daughter and have had 'oh are you disappointed?' And 'oh you'll have to keep trying until you have a boy then!' Amongst others things. (made more annoying by the fact I'm not sure if she'll be out last and if we have a third it certainly won't be because we are 'trying for a boy')

I'm absolutely delighted to be having a second child full stop

AlmostTotallyFake · 19/08/2023 05:56

It's just something to say, I have one of each and feel I am lucky.
My sister has two boys, she feels lucky as she never particularly wanted a girl but she has had comments in the past about trying for a girl.
I really do think that unless we all take a vow of silence for the rest of time there is a good chance that whatever we say will offend somebody.

user1492757084 · 19/08/2023 05:57

People are always most happy with a healthy baby of any gender.
It is nice for family dynamics to have a mix of boys and girls in the family. It is just that simple, really.

There is difference between each child regardless of sex that offers variety in the family, sure, but it is okay to also observe any general differences between the sexes and to enjoy them.

Many older people have had the experience of living in a home with mixed sexes and they are just remembering it with delight..
In your case, twin boys could seem an active handful and a home full of testosterone later on and perhaps some people are wishing you a feminine daughter for balance.

Realistically your daughter might be a tomboy.

It will be intersting to see what your experience ends up being.

Will you post again in eight years and tell us whether the boys had differing energy to your daughter?

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 19/08/2023 06:00

You're overthinking, it's just a nonsense thing people say, they most likely don't particularly care what sex of child youre having.

WeWereInParis · 19/08/2023 06:03

it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys

You're overthinking, a friend of mine had a girl around the same time I had my eldest (also a girl). She then went on to have a boy and was told the same as you "aww how lovely to have one of each". Shortly after, I had a second girl and was told (by some of the same people) "aww how nice to have two the same".

It's small talk, and just what people say. Also, I think both are true - it is lovely to have one of each I'm sure, and it's lovely to have two the same.

WeWereInParis · 19/08/2023 06:06

Also, I assume when you had your first and told you told people it was a boy they said something along the lines of "ooh a boy, how lovely/exciting!" But I guess you didn't think then that they were implying a girl wouldn't have been good? Surely when someone tells you the sex of their baby, you say something vaguely positive, without meaning that the opposite sex would be less good?

LT2 · 19/08/2023 06:06

I personally wouldn't read into it that much. As someone with 1 child, I admit i would probably like one of each (but that not to say I'd be disappointed if this is the same again!). It probably is best not to be so vocal about it though, as people really read into it deeply - as you seem to be!!

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/08/2023 06:07

You are really irate, for a throw-away, filler comment from people!

It’s just small talk - the thing people say. If you were having another boy, they’d probably just say, ‘the two boys will be the best of friends!’ or some other such ‘filler’ nonsense.

They’re literally just being polite, being happy for you, and looking for something positive say. 🤷🏻‍♀️

LT2 · 19/08/2023 06:08

I agree with what PP have said. If you'd have had another boy they probably would have said something along the lines of 'that's great he will have a brother, a buddy to play with'.

rwalker · 19/08/2023 06:09

Meaningless comment if you would be having 2 the same you’d get how nice that Is

your making an issue that isn’t there

littleblackcat27 · 19/08/2023 06:09

Well don't tell people the sex of your baby. Simple really.

And perhaps get over yourself. As PP have said, it is just people trying to be nice to you

LinesAndDot · 19/08/2023 06:10

I’ll be honest, I don’t particular care what sex your future child is, nor how is corresponds to your last child. However, as a friend or family or work colleague, because you tell me, I have to respond with something. So I have a platitude for each response. Two girls? “How lovely! I am one of three sisters, it’s such a special relationship”. All boys? “How lovely! They’ll be such friends and useful for hand me down clothes!” Girl and boy “lovely! One of each!”

it’s just something to say. I’m not going to say, “oh no, now you have to buy all new clothes” or something. I am literally searching my mind for something nice to respond to you, as I realise this is a nice occasion for you and you want me to say something nice back. I’m happy to do so. But I don’t care that much, as whatever you had, it would really be fine, and you know that too.

If this is honestly what you (and my friends/family/relatives) are thinking after getting perfectly nice comments like this, then I think you need to re-think your importance in those said people’s lives.

If it was a medical issue or something, I would be 100% there with a lending ear and whatever I could do to help. But a gender announcement? I am saying a platitude and half thinking about the next job to be done.

Minesril · 19/08/2023 06:11

I have one of each. One of my boys has brown eyes and the other boy has blue eyes! Grin

KarmaStar · 19/08/2023 06:12

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WandaWonder · 19/08/2023 06:12

When someone asks me if I had a nice weekend I say yes thanks, That is a normal question and answer that people expect

This is the same as your op, you are free to complicate it if you like but they aren't that invested in you, this is normal no is an invested as the parents

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