‘So lovely to have one of each’

[ChekhovsMum]

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

I do know what you mean. I have 2 girls and pretty much the first thing my MIL said to me on hearing the second would be a girl was, "I think a boy next." FFS. I must be the only person in the world who seemingly doesn't want one of each and was delighted with 2 girls so I just smile and nod. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I do think older people are a bit obsessed with it, strangers come up to me in the supermarket to congratulate me on my luck when I have both kids with me, so it’s not only people obliged in conversation to find a platitude.
It is an interesting combination as you get to see the effects of socialisation first hand but that’s probably not what they are getting at.

I have one of each and people were genuinely pleased when I was having my second baby, even now they will say how nice it is to have one of each. I don’t know why though…

Ohhhh. How smug..

I understand what you're saying although I think you're optimistic to post so many of those thoughts you're having as if they are a thing of the past and about 'their generation'.

There are so many gender stereotypes still around, they are far from gone, and people do make assumptions about children and babies the minute they know the sex.

It's just something people say, one of each, Ooh how lovely, two boys, Ooh great they can play together and handing down clothes will save you money. Two girls, Ooh that's good they will be best of friends. It's all a load of rubbish, no-one can predict the future but people just want to say something nice.

I have a sister too and we’re so close, we’re expecting a boy next month and have a little girl already so I totally get the disappointment that there won’t be that sister/sister love. My DD has a cousin a few years older who I’m sure will be like a sister to her.
I’m mostly sad about all the gorgeous girls clothes I put away expecting to get back out again! 😭

People are just making conversation. If you were having another boy they’d say it’s lovely as the boys will be so close. It’s all just stock replies to be polite.

This, it’s just finding something nice in your news

@KarmaStar oh come on....this is Mumsnet. There's huge empathy on here for those struggling with fertility but the site can't exist if people can't post about child related issues / irks etc.
OP I agree with others you are massively overthinking this but to address the actual comment..it is nice to have one of each to experience the different relationship and "energy" of each but also, in the case of opposite sex parents, kind of nice for them. I can imagine a mum sometimes feeling a bit excluded if sports mad boys in later years do loads with their dad or vice versa (sorry for stereotypes but hopefully you know what I mean). On the other hand, my "one of each" pair are, in teen years, struggling to find much common ground and it's hard for her as an SP to please them both very often and I envy my friend who has two girls. Definitely not worth getting would up about this comment.

It's just something to say. In the nicest possible way, no one actually cares.

Thank you to those who have offered the other side, and to those who have shared their own experiences of what seems to be casual everyday sexism towards their DC - yes, I’m sure people do just think of something to say, and it seems there are equal and opposite responses for same sex kids. We have all done it many times with different things, I’m sure. Perhaps this particular set of platitudes is totally harmless, or perhaps it needs challenging a bit more.

To those who think I need to get over myself - no I don’t. I was wondering something because I thought the comments others were making were different from the comments I would make to someone else myself. Considering that lots of people HAVE experienced this kind of sexism, and considering that a lot of sex inequality can be traced back to assumptions made about people before they’re even born, it’s a reasonable thing to wonder. I might be attributing more to individual comments than I need to, because sure - people do make light conversation without thinking. I don’t for a minute imagine that they’re emotionally invested in what I’m having, apart from maybe immediate relatives. I’m more interested in whether my kids are being born into a world that is more sexist than it claims it is.

Anyway, for many this is clearly a non-issue. Important enough to read the post all the way through and type a reply to get a bit of Mumsnet bullying in before 6am, but a total non-issue that I’m paying too much attention to.

I think you’re massively overthinking king it to be honest! In most cases, unless it’s someone very close to you, people don’t actually care .. at all .. and are only vaguely interested so it’s just something to say! I mean to be honest if that’s the way you feel (that you wouldn’t have cared either way) why did you even find out the sex at your 20 week scan anyway? I know I genuinely didn’t care and didn’t find out for any of my pregnancies. The 20 week scan is not actually about that , it’s for identifying any abnormalities.

I know - I’m the sexist one for finding out. I’m disgusted with myself.

Anyway, for many this is clearly a non-issue. Important enough to read the post all the way through and type a reply to get a bit of Mumsnet bullying in before 6am, but a total non-issue that I’m paying too much attention to.
You not only overthink what people say but are now overthinking how people take the time to respond to you on here. Do you overthink everything in life?

You really can't think why?

1. It's a nice thing to say/polite.
2. You get to experience raising both a boy and a girl.
3. If they follow traditional roles (girly girl, boyish boy - lots still do!) you get to enjoy both worlds!

I had my nails done with my teen daughter the other day, it was lovely! My son would not be up for that however we are going on a hike later, My daughter definitely won't fancy doing that. I would have been equally happy if my daughter had been a boy (I was convinced that she was a boy throughout pregnancy!) but I can't say I'm not thrilled that I have had one of each.

I do find that when you have one of each, people don't ask if you are having a third.

My friends who have 2 girls or 2 boys are always asked if they will have a third, which I find more offensive... like two of one sex isn't adequate.

I hear you OP! When pregnant with my 2nd I wanted another DS but was having a DD. I stopped telling people I knew the sex and then went as far as stopped talking about my pregnancy. Other folks comments use to drive me crazy. Once DD arrived life was too busy to give any of it a second thought.

I'm awake because my bastard cats came and jumped on me, not because I think this issue is so important I must post at 6am. OP, really, just take a breath. As for "casual sexism" ..I don't know. Without wishing to blow up a hornets nest, I spend time in sex segregated environments and the "energy" and behaviour in the boys one is far different to the girls. How they interact, communicate, entertain themselves, behave, react to situations. One is not better than the other but there is a huge difference. Whether that's nature or nurture, imposed expectations or something more innate, who knows? But I don't actually think it's sexist or worth getting upset about that (in v general terms) a boy or girl child will likely display certain kinds of traits.

OP why did you find out the sex of your baby and why are you telling people?

That response from others is, at worst bland and meaningless, but is probably well-intended and meant to sound supportive.

They're making conversation. You're overthinking it.

What do you want them to say?

If you were having a second boy they'd say 'oh lovely they'll be such good mates etc etc'.

I really do think people just make conversation. I have one of each and have clear memories of people at our local baby group saying how lucky I was. In discussion later with friends from the group we discovered they were also told how lucky they were to have two boys or two girls. It's just friendly people trying to say encouraging things.

Some comments don't need overthinking.

It’s not sexism for the experience of parenting a boy to be different to parenting a girl though. Kids are the same when they are very young but as they grow up the experiences of both sexes will differ.

Fuck me, someone makes one polite comment that something you’re about to do will be “lovely” and you’re up at 5am moaning about it. Exhausting.

Got grey hair with four DC of the same sex - no one has dared ask if I am thinking of trying for one of the opposite sex😂

I'm sure if you told them you were having another boy they'd says something like 'lovely, they'll have a best friend for life' sort of thing. It's just something people say.