‘So lovely to have one of each’

[ChekhovsMum]

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

Anyway, for many this is clearly a non-issue. Important enough to read the post all the way through and type a reply to get a bit of Mumsnet bullying in before 6am, but a total non-issue that I’m paying too much attention to

Oh seriously. It was high in trending - that is how most people will see it.

If you didn't want "YABU/YANBU" comments then don't put it in AIBU.

If you don't want the standard prenatal "that's nice" cliches about sex, then don't tell them the sex until its born.

What actually were you expecting people to say?

When someone states the sex of their impending baby I assume its because they deem it important. What are you looking for beyond the least offensive platitude which comes to mind?

If you were as totally non sexist as you believe yourself to be the sex would not be an issue worth mentioning before the baby is even born.

People are just trying to be nice.

It’s just something to say, isn’t it?

i didn’t realise it was an issue but will be sure to never say it again. Just in case.

What about "aww another boy, wouldn't it have been lovely to have a girl"
It's not personal, it's just something people say. You need to care less and just enjoy your children.

You get a wider parenting experience when you have both sexes.

Same , it’s purely small talk. What else are you meant to say when someone tells you the sex of the second baby? I guess maybe everyone should stick to saying “that’s nice” in case they offend someone:

When I had the second boy most people said - “wonderful they’ll be best friends for life” or something along those lines. They weren’t implying that I’m lucky I didn’t have a girl as a boy and girl would hate each other- I know they were just being polite.

What would actually be offensive are expressions of disappoint about the sex you’re having (i.e. two girls - trouble in the teenage years, two boys, home will be chaos keep trying for the girl). I had those type of comments too and they were mildly annoying- I would have understood this thread if it was about negative comments like those. But the fact you’ve made a whole thread about a generally positive comment says a lot about you.

What on earth are you doing up at 5.23am on a Saturday?
And posting?

That's very unreasonable.
Unless you are not in the UK.

I agree with those who say that the more people take offence or try to read gender/ sex bias into every little thing people say, the less people feel able to converse at all even just the banal bits of chit chat which make up daily life. At my work just getting people to express any view on something us becoming increasing hard. Do we really want this? Surely it would be worse if the announcement of a baby’s sex was met with a blank expression and no words for fear of offending someone.

And if the OP wants to look for real evidence of sexism there are much better places to focus her efforts than well meaning pleasantries uttered by nice people. She could start with the gender pay gap, the cabinet, women’s healthcare outcomes, women in sport and maternity rights etc.

When I was expecting my second son my MIL explained that when they had my DH and his sister that their 'family was complete because we had one of each'. This was as I was driving the car heavily pregnant with my son at the time with her next to me.

I disagree with those saying it’s just people being nice or making conversation. I have two boys, nobody said “how lovely”. A few people (including a couple of strangers) told me it was a shame and I could always try again. My MIL cried because she wanted a girl.

Sounds like you were unlucky with the crowd around you. I had two boys.
Mil said '3 more to a football team' (she already had 6 grandsons)
Strangers said ' how nice, they will always be there for each other' They may not be and I know it was a social platitude but it was conversation.
Others said ' Ahh, two little boys how lovely' No one said anything negative at all.

"Nod and smile. You’re wasting far too much energy fretting about people trying to be nice-they’d be horrified if they knew you were analysing cliches like this for underlying meaning."

But the OP is nodding and smiling. She doesn't sound like she's fretting, she's either passing the time idlly wondering or else working out how best to future proof her children against sexism in the most frictionless, non mumzilla way she can.

You get a wider parenting experience when you have both sexes
Dies it matter.
It's not like you can put in on your cv to have an advantage over another parent.
You cluld say having two sons have given me a wider parenting expierence than just having one. After all their personalities, needs, academic achievements,emotional wellbeing ,behaviour etc has been at polar opposites of each other.

It’s just small talk. When I tell people we have two boys they say ‘aw how lovely to have two brothers’

I got from MIL, when heavily pregnant with my third:

"What are you having another for? You've already got one of each."

Cheers MIL.

There's an underlying unspoken assumption that boys and girls are so vastly different that somehow it's less good to have two of the same sex. I can't quite put my finger on it but I don't like it.

In my case, it was a bit late to be having the conversation! Never stopped her making a pointless offensive comment though.

Youve got it the wrong way round, that generation mostly wanted a boy above a girl, it’s a fairly recent thing to value having a girl instead of a boy.

The reality is most people who plan to have two children still say ideally they’d love one of each. I’ve heard it said SO many times. I also know of quite a few couples who had either two boys or two girls and really hoped for the opposite when they had a third.

I don't think it implies it would be less lovely to have two the same at all, just that its nice you get to experience parenting both.

They're just being nice but I used to get "oh how lovely, a pigeon pair" a lot!! Also from people of a certain age. I kinda liked their excitement for it.

"She could start with the gender pay gap, the cabinet, women’s healthcare outcomes, women in sport and maternity rights etc."

Doesn't all of this start with our relationship to babies and very small children? That "Can Our Kids Go Genderfree?" programme was very interesting. There was one bit where they got test subjects to play with a baby girl dressed in very sterotypically boys' clothes and introduced her as "Edward" or something and did the same with a boy dressed in a frilly pink frock introduced as Elizabeth or whatever. The differences in the way in which the test subjects played with the children was noticeable, and the confirmation bias "He definitely liked the toy train best" was quite something.

It could be something people just say, but I have two DS and so many people ask me if I 'want to try for a girl' and look almost sad. Like I've got the short straw. Beyond rude!

I even once had a 'friend' tell me she knows lots of women with just sons who are older and that they get late PND when their children were older as they're so sad at not having girls. WTF

Oh for goodness sake! It's just a nice comment with little meaning! Is there anything that you can say these days without having paragraphs written on MN about it?!

Oh god I have said this!!

it’s just something to say.

to be honest I don’t really give a shit - it’s like when people tell me the weight of their baby or the name: I say oh lovely or some other nonsense.

the genres of your children is into of importance and internet to you. Everyone else just trying to be polite.

FFS, lighten up and stop looking for things to be offended by.

I’m more interested in whether my kids are being born into a world that is more sexist than it claims it is

Your post is quite ageist though.

Whatever someone says as a throw-away pleasantry shouldn't become something to ruminate and agonise over. If you're delighted about the forthcoming birth of your second child, why are you wasting emotional energy cogitating and over-analysing something so innocuous that meant no harm and was undoubtedly said with a kind spirit, with absence of malice.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y4lgKnmWSk&list=PL2iZ3RTVA_U_RQhzssg13VONTuzAjiqdh&pp=iAQB

There's the programme I was talking about. I always think about it when I hear people - both older generation and my fellow mothers of young children- go on about how different, how very very different, girls and boys are.

As PP have said, it's just small talk, people really don't care. I've said it before when I was just trying to be polite and make conversation.