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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 19/08/2023 07:31

Fundays12 · 19/08/2023 07:29

Unfortunately I agree with this. As a mum of 3 very loved and want boys I found with my second it was better luck next time comments and with my third “ohh “ followed by a disappointed face. MIL was the worst and couldn’t even congratulate us. She wanted another grand daughter to take over as she had done with most she already had.

Show quote history

Also the you need to try for a girl comments. Nope I don’t. We don’t want anymore kids.

randommum82 · 19/08/2023 07:32

Trixiefirecracker · 19/08/2023 07:10

In lots of cultures boys are much more revered than girls and it’s looked down upon just having girls. ☹️

Show quote history

I come from such a culture, I'm one of 4 girls. Family members literally cried from sorrow when they found out my mum was having a fourth girl. It stung. I have three boys, and when people found out the third was a boy too, they said oh well, never mind, you could still try for a girl. It hurts both ways. Having experienced both, girls are undervalued in the east and boys seem undervalued in the west. Both attitudes are damaging and hurtful. The 'oh well never mind' comments were made in the presence of my two older boys as well. All children are valuable and shouldn't have to hear stupid comments like that.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 19/08/2023 07:33

Its just small talk. I dont understand your anger with something cliche that people say

Whiskeywithwater · 19/08/2023 07:34

Would you have felt better if they’d said ‘oh, that’s a shame it would have been nice to have 2 boys’?
as someone has already saud, you are also being just a tiny bit defensive about how people have responded on here. You’ve asked if you are being unreasonable. Looking at the replies and the voting, the Mumsnet jury has said that actually yes you are. Which is perhaps not the response you expected. But don’t ask the question if you’re not prepared to be told that.
but anyway, genuinely congratulations- I have a boy and a girl and as others have said it is a different experience. But both of mine play football for instance - you can do traditionally male/female things with both. Just enjoy them. I had a middle pregnancy where at my 20 week scan I was told my (what would have been a 2nd DD as it turns out) had a defect incompatible with life .. so getting her up about people’s meaningless platitudes when you tell them the sex of your DC is not something on my radar.
and I’m up before 6 as unpacking from holiday if that’s ok. And reading through Mumsnet as the rest of my household all bloody asleep!

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 07:35

"Older ladies"

Tell you what I hate. Mumsnet casual ageism. That's what I hate.

Aozora13 · 19/08/2023 07:35

I definitely trot out that sort of bollocks because apparently “oh ok I don’t really care I was just making conversation” isn’t socially acceptable. I don’t doubt you’ll have people saying less well intentioned things too tho - I got asked if I was trying for a boy and disappointed that DC3 was as a girl.

ChoccyBickies · 19/08/2023 07:35

You're overthinking it. And being a bit precious. Sorry!

It's something people say because a lot of parents do like 'one of each'.

I have one of each and although any healthy child would be loved, it is nice to see the difference between a boy and girl as they mature into adults.

concernedmumhelp · 19/08/2023 07:35

If you already have a boy and

  • said you were having a girl, I'd say "how lovely, having a girl, all the lovely little pink baby clothes, a little sister to play with"
  • said you were having a boy, I'd say " how lovely, you have everything already, so convenient, a little brother to play with"

and so on

ChoccyBickies · 19/08/2023 07:37

You are also being very silly and in fact a bit ridiculous to think it was something 'drummed into' oldies.

How old are you by the way? (If we're going to be ageist about it all.)

Summermeadowflowers · 19/08/2023 07:38

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 19/08/2023 07:33

Its just small talk. I dont understand your anger with something cliche that people say

There are a lot of comments like this and I don’t want to pick on yours specifically but I haven’t a clue where this supposed ‘anger’ is coming from.

The only anger I see on this thread is from those who are FURIOUS the OP even asked Hmm it is a strange and rather unpleasant thread.

@ChekhovsMum I do think people use it as ‘something to say’. During my pregnancy there was a fairly vocal reaction to wanting it to be a girl, which made me feel bad as I did have a preference for a girl myself and I felt I was ‘rejecting’ a boy. I had an elective section though and in the moments before I knew it didn’t matter who was in there, I loved them just the same. So far having a girl is great, but so was having a boy. Sorry not sorry for buying a load of pink though …

ChoccyBickies · 19/08/2023 07:40

What's clear is you can't cope with anyone disagreeing with you.

You post in AIBU then lash out at the posters who happen to disagree with you!

If you ask for opinions, don't come back and take another shot at people who think you are wrong.

Saying they think you are wrong is not bullying and it's not worse than you making sweeping (and incorrect) ageist points about anyone who is older than you are.

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 07:41

For crying out loud, get some real problems. People are just trying to be nice. No-one actually cares whether your children are boys, girls or goats.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/08/2023 07:43

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 07:41

For crying out loud, get some real problems. People are just trying to be nice. No-one actually cares whether your children are boys, girls or goats.

My boy is definitely half goat going by the way he constantly climbes. 😁

charabang · 19/08/2023 07:44

How dare the old gimmers talk to you like that! 😏

Summermeadowflowers · 19/08/2023 07:44

Yep. This is the grumpiest thread ever and that’s saying something!

katepilar · 19/08/2023 07:48

I get you, OP. I dont even understand what is so lovely about having a girl and a boy. I always though its more useful/practical if its either sisters or brothers. Its a better chance that the siblings will have similar interest and play together. The younger can wear the clothes when the older one grow out of it.

AlmostTotallyFake · 19/08/2023 07:49

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 07:41

For crying out loud, get some real problems. People are just trying to be nice. No-one actually cares whether your children are boys, girls or goats.

I do love having one of each but I won't be trying for a goat 😂

katepilar · 19/08/2023 07:50

I think its a stupid thing to say. One of the stupid things people say or go when you are pregnant. Like touching your bump.

BarbieDesvelada · 19/08/2023 07:50

People feel they have to say more than just "oh".
If somebody did answer just "oh" (no platitudes) be extremely honest, would you have perceived pity in the "oh".

On behalf of strangers who don't really care but also don't want to upset anybody, it is difficult to say the right thing.

FoodCentre · 19/08/2023 07:51

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys,

Op I'm a one child mum. Are you saying you're better than me? Yay having two boys would be better than what I haveHmm

So it's not lovely to have one child then? Can you please explain what you mean by this because it is not ok

Vault687 · 19/08/2023 07:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Duechristmas · 19/08/2023 07:53

As someone with three the same it gets my back up no end, it's unthinking, and yes it's definitely an older lady thing.
It's the reason we didn't share the gender of our third child as 'weren't you disappointed' and 'i bet you're hoping for a ...' are wearing and insensitive.
I'm hoping for a healthy child thanks!

speakout · 19/08/2023 07:54

I don't think it's just the "older generation" that has these views.

These threads have many posters expressing disappointment when finding out the sex of their baby.

GodspeedJune · 19/08/2023 07:54

You’re reading way too much into this. People are being polite and kind to you, with a common and positive response. If you had said you were having two of the same sex they’d have replied that was lovely too.

Amidlifecrisis · 19/08/2023 07:54

Jamtartforme · 19/08/2023 07:06

In fact I would hazard a guess that you are secretly quite excited to be having a girl (nothing wrong with that), but don’t feel you can admit it, so ‘objecting’ to other people suggesting it is the only way you can make a fuss of the issue.

Really comes across that way to me too.

I totally agree that sexism is awful and making assumptions about children before they are born is inappropriate, but people making comments like this is not that. I’ve got one of each. I would have been delighted with two of the same but also delighted with what I’ve got.

I wonder why you wanted to find out the sex before the birth?