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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
Jamtartforme · 19/08/2023 06:51

Massively overthinking

To be honest it reads a bit ‘the lady doth protest too much’…

whereaw · 19/08/2023 06:51

Do people not think that raising boys and girls is in some ways different? Is it not ok to say that it's nice to have the opportunity to do both?
It's also nice to do other things too, but surely they are commenting on your immediate situation which is having a girl in addition to a boy?

110APiccadilly · 19/08/2023 06:52

I'd like to have one of each, but that's because I always wanted three (as a minimum, if I'm honest) and now if we have another people will think we're trying for a boy!

Escapetofrance · 19/08/2023 06:53

All that matters is that they are healthy and happy. It is lovely that you’re having a girl, it would have been lovely if you were having a boy too. I am sure nobody means anything when they say that, it’s just conversation.

Roselilly36 · 19/08/2023 06:55

Sometimes people just say something that they think they should, perhaps thinking you may want a child of the opposite sex, who knows. Even the hospital seemed reluctant to tell me I was having another boy, I just laughed, I was delighted to have another boy. Strange how people make assumptions. My two are adults now and best friends as well as brothers. Many congrats OP Flowers

NewShoes · 19/08/2023 06:55

People are just being nice. Hope all goes well for you :-)

Daleksatemyshed · 19/08/2023 06:55

It used to be called a Gentlemen's family, first the son and heir, then the pretty daughter. It was really only relevant to the upper classes but the idea of it being the perfect family still lingers on with some people.

oviraptor21 · 19/08/2023 06:56

Agree with PP that actually there are differences between girls and boys. I have both. They're all lovely but they are different.

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 06:56

It's just something people say. And it is fun to have one of each. It would also be fun to have two girls or two boys.

Maray1967 · 19/08/2023 06:59

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 19/08/2023 06:00

You're overthinking, it's just a nonsense thing people say, they most likely don't particularly care what sex of child youre having.

Unfortunately some do. And I was very prickly over this - determined to close this down early on as no child of mine is a disappointment. I made it clear that we would be delighted to have another boy. PIL think that’s strange - they have two boys and have often expressed disappointment about not having a daughter. The person who never made any comments is my DF who does have one of each but remembers the horror of a mc my DM had - she collapsed and had to be rushed into hospital. I have had 3 mcs, thankfully nothing like that, but despite that, we still received those comments from PIL. MIL feels she misses out as all her friends have a daughter.

Purpleboat · 19/08/2023 07:00

In my experience, the people who I know said it to me are the ones who had all one gender and are open about wanting the other and the ones who got one of each and were happy with that. I’m sure there was lots of people who had the same gender and were happy and didn’t comment on how nice it was for me to have one of each. I would have been happy either way.

I think a bigger issue is the gender stereotypes, if society could totally move away from the gender stereotypes, (dolls are for girls, trucks are for boys, pink is for girls, blue is for boys) the whole ‘what are you having’ would become very insignificant and better for the children (and parents) altogether.

Fairyliz · 19/08/2023 07:00

So you have literally just told them that the baby you are carrying is a girl; what exactly do you expect them to say?
If they say nothing that’s rude. If they start talking about the weather, that implies they are not interested. However if they say some form of ‘that’s lovely’ you appear to be offended.
Can you give us an actual sentence that you would approve of?

DappledThings · 19/08/2023 07:01

People just say things to be nice and make conversation. I had two strangers tell me how clever I was to have made one of each when they were newborn and nearly 2.

But then I also had people ask me if they were twins even with that age gap just because they saw a double buggy.

It's a bit silly to say but they would have said something equally silly and inconsequential if you had 2 boys or 2 girls.

TheaBrandt · 19/08/2023 07:02

Oh just chill out. It’s one of those nothingy small talk phases used to fill conversational spaces sort of like “nice weather we’re having”. No one other than maybe granny gives two hoots about the sex of other peoples kids.

renthead · 19/08/2023 07:03

I come out with this sort of platitude at work (I'm a midwife so it goes with the territory). I usually don't comment at all but sometimes a comment is called for or just comes out.

Two boys: "oh they'll have such fun growing up together!"
One of each: "how lovely to have one of each!"
Two girls: "I have two girls and it's the best!"

Blah blah blah. It's generally just something to say to share in people's happiness.

Jamtartforme · 19/08/2023 07:06

In fact I would hazard a guess that you are secretly quite excited to be having a girl (nothing wrong with that), but don’t feel you can admit it, so ‘objecting’ to other people suggesting it is the only way you can make a fuss of the issue.

Brunoandthebigfoot · 19/08/2023 07:06

Whatever you someone said to me, I’d reply with one of the following:

How lovely, two boys.
How lovely, two girls.
How lovely, one of each.

People are just being polite. You’re overthinking it. No-one actually cares what you’re having, they just hope a baby is healthy and loved.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/08/2023 07:07

If you didn't care you wouldn't have found out would you? I have one of each. When I found out my second was a boy I was delighted. I really wanted a boy.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 19/08/2023 07:09

I guarantee nobody really gives a shit what sex your children are. It's just something to say. I have one of each and it is lovely. It would have been equally as lovely to have had 2 boys/girls

Trixiefirecracker · 19/08/2023 07:10

DivingForLove · 19/08/2023 05:34

I assure they wouldn’t say it’s lovely to have two boys 🙄. Most people said “oh well as long as it’s healthy” to me as a commiseration for having a second boy.

Twats.

oh and everyone who has two is an expert on boys and girls too 😄

In lots of cultures boys are much more revered than girls and it’s looked down upon just having girls. ☹️

Againstthegrai · 19/08/2023 07:10

It’s just something people say- to be honest if someone tells me they are having another girl, I would say ‘how lovely two girls’ if they were having a boy I’d say how lovely two boys’ and if one of each I’d say ‘how lovely one of each’ in truth I don’t really care and am not that interested in the sex’s of other peoples babies 🤷‍♀️

Woman2023 · 19/08/2023 07:11

I do find that when you have one of each, people don't ask if you are having a third.

I've had the "one of each, how nice" type comments as well as "no need to have any more!"

These types of comments just leave me bemused as we can't control which sex baby we have and there was no need to have a baby at all.

There's lots of daft small talk that doesn't really mean much.

110APiccadilly · 19/08/2023 07:13

Actually, my mum in law did tell me she was pleased my sister in law had one of each, which maybe wasn't the most tactful thing to say, given I don't. But she's not a tactful person (she is a kind person, but she's not very good at thinking before she speaks!) She then attempted to soften the blow by saying it was different for me because I'd be happy to have another! (Also not the most clear thinking of people, but I do love her and know her heart's in the right place, which is why I find this funny rather than irritating.)

Letitgonowgr · 19/08/2023 07:13

You’re overthinking. People are just being nice.l, making conversation, don’t take it personally!

PinkNailpolish · 19/08/2023 07:14

People said this to my parents when my mum was pregnant with my brother and they only had me at the time. My parents have always liked having two children, one of each sex. It's not sexism.