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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
Ariela · 19/08/2023 07:55

Would you prefer me to say 'Oh how inconvenient, everyone will criticise you for using all (eldest's) hand-me-downs' as they boyish' ?

Frankly nobody really cares that much, it's just something to say when you tell them. FWIW I never said, just ' a baby' when asked 'do you know what you are having?'..

speakout · 19/08/2023 07:56

"older lady thing".

Such casual ageism .

There are weekly threads on this site of younger women with gender disappointment.
I know several men too who feel this way- often desperate for a son. It isn't just a "lady" thing.

ThanksItHasPockets · 19/08/2023 07:58

I will leave the OP to her pontifications but as a tangent in some regional dialects boy / girl siblings are referred to as a ‘pigeon pair’. I had never heard of this until I was expecting a boy after my first was a girl and several older women at work mentioned it.

grumpycow1 · 19/08/2023 07:59

Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying

you hit the nail on the head - I have 2 boys and people used to say ‘oh how lovely to have two brothers, they’ll be great friends’ You are way overthinking it, it’s just something people say as a way of saying they are pleased for you.

I found myself saying ‘one of each’ to a pregnant lady I just met (I feel socially awkward and often find myself slipping into something my mum would have said )

BarbieDesvelada · 19/08/2023 08:00

Agree "older lady thing" is ageism.

What is the correct response to "this second baby is the other sex" ???

Nameandgamechange123 · 19/08/2023 08:00

I also think get over yourself. It's meant to be a kind comment. I bet you'd be upset if people had nothing to say about your pregnancy.

Tumbleweed101 · 19/08/2023 08:00

It is nice to have one of each. Despite our best efforts to be gender neutral in this society boys and girls generally are very different to raise and it is nice to see the difference as they grow and mature.

It doesn't mean it isn't also nice to have two or more of the same sex and see how they grow and bond. And all will have very different personalities.

I had a boy followed by three girls and it is my eldest pair - the boy and eldest girl who have kept the closest bond. I think age gap has more to do with it than the sexes they are in that regards. The girls argue with eachother more!

IncognitoMam · 19/08/2023 08:01

Goldencup · 19/08/2023 05:42

I have one of each and got this too. DH is one of 2 boys, I am one of 2 girls, part of me was a little bit sad that neither of my children have a same sex sibling. The most annoying comment was MIL " your so clever" - what bollocks.

A friend had that remark too. I wanted 3 boys but got 2.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 19/08/2023 08:02

For most people It’s just a silly cliche that people say to have something to say. Don’t read too much into it.

then read there are those who really do have an opinion on the sex of you baby. My mother in law for one. Who to this day (dds are 18 and 15) goes on at me about how it would be so nice if I could just have one more and have a boy. She doesn’t have a grandson and her daughters are too old to have any more (not that they wanted more at the time).

she honestly believes we are missing out not having a son, and she’s missing out not having a grandson. Crazy.

Branster · 19/08/2023 08:03

In all honesty, do you really believe they care that much? It's just making conversation

User98866 · 19/08/2023 08:03

I say this. If someone is having 2 of the same I say how lovely to have 2 boys/girls. It’s just a polite response. What do you expect people to say?

GP78 · 19/08/2023 08:03

People will say that's lovely whatever you have, one of each or two of the same gender. It's what you do, whatever the outcome is it's obviously the 'best' outcome. If you were having 2 boys people would say how lovely it is 🤷‍♀️

WimpoleHat · 19/08/2023 08:06

People just say it for something to say. They don’t really care what sex your children are! I remember asking a
colleague who told me his wife was pregnant if they “knew what they were having”; I got a long spiel about how they knew but weren’t telling anybody other than their very best friends as it was the Biggest Secret Ever and he hoped I wouldn’t be offended. I felt like telling him that I really wasn’t actually interested but had just asked as a social nicety for something to say at the time. I can’t even remember what it was they did have in the end.

“One of each - lovely!” Is actually the sort of thing I might say myself. And I am fully convinced as the mother of two DDs that two girls is far and away the optimal outcome. So the people who say it might not even believe it themselves. I wouldn’t overthink it.

Marchitectmummy · 19/08/2023 08:06

Op the majority of people couldn't care what children you have, how many you have, or anything about them. You are trying to make the whole thing bigger than it is.

Enjoy your own child and children when the next one comes and move on. Ridiculous.

Wisteriathroughwindow · 19/08/2023 08:09

Bloody hell remind me never to have a conversation with you! They are just being nice and polite and making the effort to be interested in you. You should be grateful anyone bothers to comment at all!

Pottedpalm · 19/08/2023 08:10

Very few people are interested in your pregnancy or what you are having/have already in terms of DC.

ivfbabymomma1 · 19/08/2023 08:12

I would say how lovely, 2 boys, 2 girl, one of each. (Delete as appropriate)

Just because it's nice to say something nice?

HaddawayAndShite · 19/08/2023 08:12

They didn’t imply it though, you inferred it 🤷‍♀️

CravingASpiraBringThemBack · 19/08/2023 08:15

I agree with others it’s just something people say. What else do you want them to say?, because the reality is when you tell people the sex of your unborn baby if people said what they really thought most peoples honest response would be ‘I don’t care’. Would you rather that?

Procrastinatingbecauseithelps · 19/08/2023 08:18

YANBU
I have two boys. I love my boys, but even when I’m out complete strangers ask ‘will you have anymore… hopefully it’s a girl.’ 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

It’s so odd.

I correct them every time and let them know that actually we would be ecstatic with another boy. Boys are what I know so having three would be a dream ❤️

As long as they’re healthy and happy

saraclara · 19/08/2023 08:19

What do you expect people to say when you tell them the sex? There really isn't much that people can respond with, so they fall back on filler cliches. You're reading way too much into a standard response.

As a pp said They probably don't care that much but want to respond positively because they care about you.

DottyLottieLou · 19/08/2023 08:21

Would you rather they told you how shit it was going to be, having one of each? More important things to get worked up over.

hdbs17 · 19/08/2023 08:22

It's just a cliche.

I'm having my second boy and this will be our last and I get people saying "will you have another to try for a girl?". Its irritating because it makes it seem like having two boys is somehow a disappointment (it's absolutely not) but a flat no with zero expression on my face shuts them up.

If I was having a girl and had the old "pigeon pair" remarks then I'd just say we'd have been happy with whatever and left it that to shut them up.

saraclara · 19/08/2023 08:26

What is the correct response to "this second baby is the other sex" ??

I'm wondering that now. Maybe I need to ask a man, or a woman who's significantly younger than me.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2023 08:27

People say it because they are happy for you that you are pregnant but don't really give a shit about it beyond that.

So they have to say something.

I had people say the same to me. Can't say it ever bothered me because I knew they'd have had some equally meaningless platitude had they both been boys.

And it has been nice to have one of each! In much the same way as I imagine is is also lovely to have two boys or two girls 🤷🏻‍♀️