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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘So lovely to have one of each’

247 replies

ChekhovsMum · 19/08/2023 05:23

We have a 2yo DS and have just found out we’re having a little girl. We know this will be our last, and I think that’s also fairly common knowledge among friends and family because we’re on the older side.
Since telling people the sex, I keep hearing people, in particular women from the generation above (ie 65+) saying ‘Oh, how lovely to have one of each!’. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but this grates on me a bit, because it implies that it wouldn’t have been quite so lovely to have two boys, and but for a quirk of fate we could have had exactly that, as anyone could. It made me particularly uncomfortable in the weeks BEFORE the scan, when a few people asked if we knew yet, and offered the golden nugget of opinion ‘It would be lovely to have one of each’. It almost sounded like they were putting in last-minute order. Oh hang on, I’ll reach into my uterus and model the child a vulva using my special mummy powers!!
Look, I know there are many biting Mumsnet replies I could have used, and believe me I am a fan of those, but these are friends, family, close work colleagues - people I otherwise respect and care about, mostly, plus a few strangers who seemed otherwise lovely and very well-meaning. I don’t feel like bawling them out or even being subtly prickly - it’s not major enough for that. I just want to understand!
So… is this just a thing which was drummed into their generation, either because it was the first to have two children as the average, or because they believed boys and girls were so different (and so similar to each other, like you knew who was coming out of you the minute you knew the sex) that they genuinely felt two same-sex meant you were ‘missing out’? Was there pressure from their own families/society to produce across the sex spectrum, with a slight emphasis on this being the woman’s responsibility? Is this just one of those platitudes that people don’t give two thoughts about saying, even though they know it’s rubbish? Or is there genuinely something about having a boy and a girl that surpasses the experience of parenting two same sex children?

OP posts:
bigbangbongo · 19/08/2023 07:15

You're overthinking this. They are just being nice. Congratulations.

Brieandcamembert · 19/08/2023 07:15

I think it is lovely to get to experience parenting a boy and girl. I love getting to buy both sorts of clothes/ toys etc.

I wouldn't have been disappointed with two boys, two girls, for boys or 92 girls but it is lovely to have one of each.

Laquestamia · 19/08/2023 07:15

You are having one of each sex though. Personally, i really wanted a boy and a girl and was happy it worked out like that. A lot of people do, for old fashioned, out of date reasons but we do. Doesn't mean I would have loved my children any less had they both been girls or boys. People just say things!

CheersToMe · 19/08/2023 07:16

Way overthinking: it's just people trying to be polite and show an interest.

maddiemookins16mum · 19/08/2023 07:16

YABU. and stop with the ‘it’s always older ladies etc’.
It is ‘lovely’ to have one of each, it’s also lovely to have 2 boys or 2 girls etc.
It’s people just saying something, a social norm.
You sound very hard work.

RestMasks · 19/08/2023 07:18

I'm another one who thinks it's just a polite, nothing-y thing to say.

As a relevant aside based on your second post, I'd be wary of "challenging" or "calling out" (as the kids would say!) these sort of polite, pleasant stock phrases because you've decided it indicates some of sort of latent sexism.

Doing so may well make people think twice about saying it in the future (including to people who wouldn't mind at all) but it'll probably also make them far less inclined to say anything at all to you in future!

In all seriousness, and as a kindly meant word of advice, this level of inclination to challenge people on the way they say things is likely to prove pretty isolating for you in the long-run.

MeinKraft · 19/08/2023 07:18

AlmostTotallyFake · 19/08/2023 05:56

It's just something to say, I have one of each and feel I am lucky.
My sister has two boys, she feels lucky as she never particularly wanted a girl but she has had comments in the past about trying for a girl.
I really do think that unless we all take a vow of silence for the rest of time there is a good chance that whatever we say will offend somebody.

Yes! They're being nice for goodness sake, stop being offended about nothing.

RedRobyn2021 · 19/08/2023 07:19

I have to say I agree with you

I hear this all the time in fact from people younger than 65 for sure, although it does tend to come more from older people

Campervangirl · 19/08/2023 07:21

You can't help how you feel.
However, it's just a thing us oldies say, I'm not 65+ btw.
All that comment means is it'll be lovely to experience having a boy and a girl.
I'm late 50's and find myself not making comments to anyone in case I offend them even though in the past I'm just trying to be nice.
Things like "you look well" even though I actually mean it and it's meant as a compliment, read a post on MN that people find it offensive 🙄
It's a bit like the "Karen" malarkey, silencing women, women like me of a certain age who mean no offense, find themselves not speaking because they're no longer sure what's going to offend.
It's fuckin exhausting tbh.
It's almost as if people are looking for something to be offended about, waiting to jump on you when you speak or slag you off behind your back if they're not brave enough to tackle you head on (like going on MN to discuss how offended you are by an innocuous comment)
Must be equally fuckin exhausting to be one of the "offended".

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2023 07:21

You are over thinking it. They don't give a shit about the sex of your babies, it's just something to say.

TwistofFate · 19/08/2023 07:22

It's not just the older generation. There were a few pregnancies around the same time at my work, and lots of comments to a colleague who was due before me that had a boy and was expecting a girl about "aww, mini him and mini you/one of each - perfect family" which was a bit grating because I was expecting a 2nd DD at the time.

People will judge whatever combination you end up with for all the "one of each" comments, there'll be someone else who will say they won't be as close as two of the same, but if you have multiple boys then it's "poor mum" and "poor dad" if you have multiple girls. 🙄

LakeTiticaca · 19/08/2023 07:23

Yabu. They are just making polite conversation.
They don't really care if you're having a girl, a boy or a kangaroo 😉

EarringsandLipstick · 19/08/2023 07:24

their own experiences of what seems to be casual everyday sexism towards their DC

Utterly ridiculous.

Saying 'it's lovely to have one of each' doesn't mean people don't also think it's nice to have 2 of the same sex. If you told people you were expecting a boy, they'd say, 'lovely, they'll be great friends' or something similar.

It's simply phrases people use to be kind & have a conversation. There's no inherent meaning.

Imagine being the person who analyses well-meaning acquaintances' statements like this. 🤨

As an aside, how often on MN do you read threads about desperately wanting a baby of the other sex to what you've had already?

emz1990 · 19/08/2023 07:24

I agree but from the other side. I have two girls and was quite often asked (when my second was a baby) "are you going to try again for a boy" as if I couldn't possibly be happy to stop at two girls.

waterlego · 19/08/2023 07:24

If it had been another boy and people had said ‘how lovely to have two boys’ (many people would have said this) I wonder if you’d have felt that they were suggesting a girl wouldn’t have been as good?

Hiddenvoice · 19/08/2023 07:26

I understand where you’re coming from op. I’ve recently found out i’m expecting baby number 2 and everyone has commented that they hope it’s a boy so I have one of each. I’m not fussed either way, would love a second girl and would love a boy, whatever it is won’t change my love and happiness. When I explained that to someone they thought it was nuts, I have a girl so why wouldn’t I automatically want and crave a boy? To me it makes no difference.

I don’t understand some of the hate you’re getting. Yes people may just be being polite and friendly, but why not say how lovely, a little sister for your ds to play with.

My friend has 2 sons, they waited to find out and when her second was born the amount of people who asked if she was upset that he wasn’t a girl was shocking.

quietnightmare · 19/08/2023 07:26

Great work AI

randommum82 · 19/08/2023 07:27

I have three boys, we wanted three kids, no we weren't trying for a girl with the last one. I STILL get told to go for one more so that I can have a daughter. It's ridiculous. Mum boys are almost pitied by some people, instead of seeing three happy kids they say three boys eh? That's going to be hard.

Premfove · 19/08/2023 07:27

Just a platitude I really wouldn't overthink it. I think you're being slightly unfair to the older generation too - I hear this from people of all ages.

There are exceptions of course, but before having children most men like the idea of a son and most women would like a daughter so when you say your having one of each, and you're only planning on having two children, then people are happy for you that you both appear to be getting what you presumably want. My sister got this when she had her DS, she was secretly slightly disappointed though as she wanted another girl so her DD would have a sister 🤷‍♀️

I have two girls and my DH got the whole "you'll be trying again for a boy then" thing, and I got the whole " how lovely to have a sister for DD" thing. It's just inane comments so neither of us got het up about it. Smile and nod and congrats on your baby!

EarringsandLipstick · 19/08/2023 07:28

oviraptor21 · 19/08/2023 06:56

Agree with PP that actually there are differences between girls and boys. I have both. They're all lovely but they are different.

And the most obvious statement of the day award goes to ... !

I mean - yes. There are differences between boys & girls.

(If you are specifically meaning behaviourally, then you are incorrect that it's predicated on sex)

Badleg85 · 19/08/2023 07:28

Usually it's just a silly cliché.

However I've got one friend with one of each who insists "it's what everyone wants deep down" and like to humble brag that her sister has two boys and that secretly she wanted a girl second time

I have two girls, I always wanted two of the same sex, first pregnancy I didn't mind which but wanted a 2nd girl. I didn't have a sister growing up and had 3 brothers, I'd have loved a sister and often felt left out whereas my brother had thr best relationship. Hence why my experience meant I wanted two the same.

People make stupid statements but it says more about them then it does about you

Fundays12 · 19/08/2023 07:29

DivingForLove · 19/08/2023 05:34

I assure they wouldn’t say it’s lovely to have two boys 🙄. Most people said “oh well as long as it’s healthy” to me as a commiseration for having a second boy.

Twats.

oh and everyone who has two is an expert on boys and girls too 😄

Unfortunately I agree with this. As a mum of 3 very loved and want boys I found with my second it was better luck next time comments and with my third “ohh “ followed by a disappointed face. MIL was the worst and couldn’t even congratulate us. She wanted another grand daughter to take over as she had done with most she already had.

Lamby225 · 19/08/2023 07:29

I’m the Mum of two boys . When mum in law came to hospital to visit new second Grandson her first words were ‘don’t worry, you can try for a girl next time ‘ !!

Charrington · 19/08/2023 07:29

I think you’ve already got your finger on it- this was a bigger issue in the past when gender roles were quite fixed; having a girl to do girly things with was a genuine aspiration because dad would be playing football with the boy child.

But you might be underestimating how hard the pendulum has swung back because everything about babies and small children is gendered. Try buying a swimsuit that isn’t pink or blue, and watch how the aisles in toy shops are laid out for boys and girls. When I asked for toy kitchen recommendations for ds I couldn’t get over the number of people suggesting I look at the ikea workbench instead Hmm

I assumed my first would be a girl, I’m not sure why but I was quite startled to be having a boy. But on my second I was happily imagining a brother. I found those comments quite weird too. Generally I say something silly like “I’m efficient like that” or similar. I really hated the gentleman’s family comments. Although one of my friends got the heir and the spare line.

People say all sorts of random shit, and you’re in for a few years of it because everyone has something to say when you have small babies.

crossstitchingnana · 19/08/2023 07:29

My MIL said "I wanted a grandson" when I had my second dd.