To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

[Londoner89]

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

Surely it's your DH who should be doing those things around the house. No I don't think he should be expected to take on his dad's role while his dad works.

You are not at all unreasonable.
But nothing will change.
Your DH and SS have designated you as their skivvy, and nothing will change their mind

If you want him to do jobs round the house get your bloke to offer him money. The effect will be miraculous.

1. why is it that only you have to work 24 hours day but your husband doesn't?
2. does your SS make his own breakfasts and lunches and clean up after himself, do his own laundry and put it away? That's a bare minimum I'd expect.
3. does your husband realise the hours your SS keeps? He's going to have a rude awakening if he needs to get himself up in the morning after weeks of (effectively)night shifts. But that's for your husband to parent.

Oh - and not unreasonable for the WiFi to be off between midnight and 8am, say.

Your stepson should be clearing up after himself, washing up if he cooks and doing his own laundry.

But he didn't choose to have a child.
It isn't reasonable to expect him to take care of his brother on a regular basis.
Hold him while you nip to the loo - fine. Asking him to carry something heavy upstairs if you can't manage it alone - fine.

Regular childcare and domestic duties beyond his own mess - not fine unless you pay him.

Your husband is the one who should be helping more.

He should clear up after himself when he makes himself something to eat and so on, bring his washing down and whatever, but I don't really see why he can't keep whatever hours he wants to. Sounds pretty normal for a teenager.

I also think that the fact you have a baby is neither here nor there in this argument - that was your and your DH's choice, so your stepson shouldn't have to pick up the slack. It's your DH who needs to step up and do more.

It isn't his job to look after a baby he didn't create. It's dad that needs to step up.
Yes, SS should wash up/clean up after himself but it's not on him to pick up the rest of the slack.

That’s the thing, neither of them cook. So it’s takeaways or pot noodles, or SS will starve himself and finally get himself a bowl of Alpen for dinner. Both have a terrible relationship with food. If I don’t cook for myself then I go hungry (unless we get a takeaway) so there’s a bit of a resentment there too!

I don’t personally feel SS should be bribed to clean up around the house.
but you’re right ultimately DH needs to pull his weight more and then maybe this growing irritation towards SS will go.

he also barely acknowledges his brother, he might smile at him, perhaps hold him for a few mins every day or two. Isn’t affectionate at all which makes me sad, even when DS is trying to kiss him.

now that I’m typing this i have realised that it’s a few things that have got to me which is why I’m so irritated!

If your SS is, for the most part, quiet, respectful and reasonably self-contained, I think a few chores such running the hoover around communal areas, cleaning the family bathroom once a week, taking bins out etc is acceptable.

The above aside, I don't think a 16-year-old should have to contribute much more than that to the running and management of a house that contains two proper adults. Your husband should be taking on much more.

I think all three of you should sit down and discuss the division of labour.

Your dh needs to be doing more ..

He needs to get up with the baby so you are not exhausted . I have a 16 year old boy - he does very basic help but I think your expectations may be too high.

mowing lawn , helping with dishes , washing should be your dh , Ss putting his washing in basket , changing bedding reasonable .

Thank you everyone, good points made and nice to be given some outsider perspective

It's not your stepson's job to support you and the baby, it's your husband's. It's reasonable for you to expect him not to unreasonably add to the household workload at his age, but you can't assume that because he's there he should be doing things for you.

My 16yo DSS is basically nocturnal and spends a lot of the night gaming. We feed him when he appears, and if he gets peckish outside that he makes food for himself (and tidies up afterwards). If we have expectations of him - going out as a family for example - we give him notice and expect him to get himself in gear for it.

There are very few opportunities in life to spend time doing exactly what you want when you want it, I don't begrudge him this couple of months. He wanted to get a job but because of the distance between us and his mum's it wouldn't work (or we just wouldn't see him all summer), so it'd hardly be fair of us to stop him doing any of the fun things he wanted when it's as a result of us he's not able to do anything which is 'worthy'.

Both your DH and SS are taking the piss.

If your SS lives with you then he needs to function as a member of the household, as does your DH. Time for a family meeting.

You're not the first parent to wish that their children had a closer relationship. But you can't force it. Very few 16 yo boys are interested in babies. Maintain your own good relationship with dss and they might get closer when they're older (though dss may have moved out by then, so you might need to accept that won't happen).

The person not pulling his weight around the house, dumping it all on you and leaving you without 5 minutes to eat, is your DH. If you pick a fight with the son over the father's failures you piss them both off and get absolutely nothing back. Put the blame where it belongs.

And yes, I also agree that expecting a teenager to take on an active role in the care of a much younger sibling is unreasonable.

We used to be paid for mowing the lawn once a week - I think something like that is reasonable.

agree with others that the main issue though is your OH.

Hope things get a bit easier for you.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to expect your SS to do some household chores, he is a member of the household and not a young child so should be helping to keep the house running. Stuff like hoovering, doing the dishwasher, folding laundry etc, one job a day would be a good compromise I think. I don't think he should be given responsibility for helping you with your baby, that's not his job

I think two issues are being conflated here: baby and stepson. Babies can turn a house upside down and dealing with that should be a combination of waiting it out (it gets easier!), lowering your standards, and your husband doing more (not “helping”).

Stepson should be doing his share of chores, unpaid – at that age I cooked family dinners 3-4 times a week, laid and cleared the table on non-cooking nights, loaded dishwasher, hoovered. Bedroom tidied and cleaned weekly. Laundry had to go in the basket or it didn’t get done. We’d never have been allowed to stay up all night and sleep all day! But I don’t think you can expect him to do more than the very occasional keep an eye on the baby while you deal with something pressing; it’s your baby, not his.

SS should be clearing up after himself etc but he sounds fairly good in terms of not leaving a trail of destruction in his wake!
As for helping you with the baby….absolutely not his job and I’m not surprised he’s not overly interested. Your DH needs to step up more.

This routine is not healthy but not atypical of game addicted teenagers. Echo the PP, your DH needs to step up more - you will be back at work soon and he can’t rely on you to do it all.
And SS should not be responsible for the baby.

Sounds like SS could do with at least being given some basic chores, but the person you need to step up here is your DH.

SS isn't your coparent but he should not be adding to the mess

Your SS sounds fine, although he could given one or two chores and shouldn't be leaving pans for you to clean.

Your DH needs to step up in relation to parenting both his sons and supporting you.

For the baby- he should be ensuring you have time to yourself and regular breaks.

For SS- What does DH think about SS gaming all night and sleeping all day? It doesn't sound very healthy and it might be time to impose some limits on what's become a very anti social lifestyle. Does he go outside? Play sport? See friends? What's his overall health like?

Echoing previous posters- your SS doesn't owe you childcare or support. But it all sounds a bit unhealthy and like DH is using work to opt out.

I don't think many teenagers would welcome a new sibling. It is possible he's become nocturnal to avoid both you and the baby.

And I have to ask, other than doing housework, what advantages are there to him for being awake during daylight hours? Is anybody planning to spend any time with him, do anything with him? You sound like you've got enough on your plate and his father is out.