To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

[Londoner89]

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

@Londoner89
Are you honestly for real? It's not your stepson's responsibility to take care of your son. It's yours and your husband's! Since he doesn't leave a mess and takes care of himself, I am not exactly sure what your problem is with him.

Honestly I think you are projecting onto your SS what you want to say to your dh

I don't know many teens who have interest in babies. I also imagine he is trying to avoid you.

You need to talk to your dh and sort the household chores between ye, with ss doing a reasonable amount.

Not gonna lie, both my kids are pretty much nocturnal this summer. They do help, I find £££ work as a bribe

He’s a 15 year old. Your baby is not his problem.

Another saying you are expecting your SS to fulfill the role of support which should be coming from your husband.

It is not SS job to help with the baby. It is reasonable for him to have chores but he can do them when he wishes. E.g. he can decide to wash dishes at 3am if he wants as long as it doesn't wake people up. He can wash his clothes at night too - depending on your tariff overnight power may well be cheaper.

You have a DH problem. If son wasn't there the mess would still be there, you'd still not be able to put him down to eat/clean etc. All I can say is put your foot down with DH pulling his weight, decide you are happy with current situation, or thirdly split and leave them to their squalor and get somewhere for you and baby.

Unreasonable to expect SS to have any responsibility for baby, or for helping you with the baby. Hes a teenager, he didnt choose to have a child, the baby is not his problem.

As a minimum however, he should be feeding himself and cleaning up after himself, alongside a number of shared household chores without being asked. He should also not be disturbing anyone whilst they are asleep.

I have a 15yo and am really mindful of teaching him how to be more self-sufficient and responsible around the house. It’s hard work, but I’m hoping that it will pay off.

One of the things I’m working towards with him is doing some chores from start to finish eg if a bed needs changing - for him to strip the sheets and pillowcases, put the wash on, locate the spare bedding and make the bed, empty the washing machine, put the sheets in the dryer/on the line, watch the weather, bring them in/out and fold them. We’re nowhere near that at the moment, but I hope we’ll get there.

Could you find a chore for him to do that is similarly start to finish so that you’re not having to think about managing the process?

Eg bins. Alert on his phone for bin day, empty bins/recycling, put them out, clean bin bags to replace them, bring in the empties.

My DS loves to cook, which is great. But the meal planning, shopping, putting away, keeping an eye on use by dates all precedes the coming, and the washing up, drying/emptying dishwasher and putting away comes later. He doesn’t do any of those parts, yet.

I think it absolutely fine to ask him to do more, and your DH should be doing more too. You’re on your knees and you’ll be unwell if this continues long term.

Lol, just noted he's 15. My SS is also 15, albeit about to go into year 11.

GOOD LUCK getting him to do anything without asking! Its funny how much they "forget", also funny that they never forget that two weeks ago you said you "might" get Dominos at the end of the month and are chasing you up on your promise.

I was in your position with a 3.5 year old and a baby when ss was up all night gaming, I put my foot down that he had to up at a reasonable hour, dh at the time asked what time that was I said 9am, so it was agreed this would happen, all that happened is ss got up at 9am and went to a nearby empty house and slept on the couch there from 9am. Dh felt this was ok as he was complying with what I wanted. I thought he wasn't parenting his son at all.

Dh is now EXDH and SS is a 28 year old gamer.

I found it infuriating that I was up and about with two small children and he was snoring away upstairs. But I didn't expect him to do tasks to help with younger dc.

SS needs chores to do eg washing up, clean kitchen as he’s leaving a mess. It’s not your job to clean up after him. He needs to get back into a day wake routine, school is back in 2 weeks.

To be honest not many teenage boys do have much interest in babies. I don't think you can expect him to help with the baby that isn't his role. His father absolutely should be more involved though.
It sounds as though your SS more or less looks after himself. I don't think you can blame him for not talking on his father's role in the house.
I do think he needs to change his routine though as sleeping all day and being awake all night isn't healthy. Does he have any friends? Have any interests he can do in the day?

He’s a child, not your free help around the house. He absolutely should take this summer to relax after he’s been through his GCSEs and before he starts his A levels. If you’re struggling then your DH needs to pick up the slack, not your step son.

I found exactly the same. I never saw it as a bribe. I got jobs done for me that he didn’t care about, he got money.

Ds is the same age. He isn't nocturnal, because he's a morning bird. My girls both went nocturnal over the summer at that age.
He comes out for food, and does clear up what he's made/had, but we've always expected that. He sometimes does other things, eg today he came down with his sheets to wash and put them in the washing machine (which seems to have gone wrong as it's been on 1hr and 7 minutes left for at least the last hour, but that isn't his fault).
But the point is we've always expected that. If you suddenly go, "now I have a baby you must get up and help me round the house, and watch your new baby sibling..." he's going to resent the baby because that's what's changed.

It's not unreasonable to say he's got to not disturb you if he's up at night. It's not unreasonable to ask him to clear up after eating, especially if it's a different time to you. It's not unreasonable to ask that if he wants you to cook then he comes down at your time.
What is unreasonable is expecting him out of the blue to suddenly step up and do things his dad should be doing because you have a baby.

I'd say lower your expectations for your SS especially where your DS is concerned but I would be UPPING my expectation for my DH - why is he not parenting either of his children and stepping up when he's not at work. Lazy dad will inevitably = lazy child so kick one into shape before you attempt the other as he's learnt from the master!

There's precisely no reason that a teenager who isn't even related to you should be helping you with this.

He's not actually causing you a problem, but you think his summer should about making your life easier?

My fifteen yr old ds does loads to help with his little brothers and the house. Don’t see why your step son should be any different. He’s part of the family and that means pulling his weight. Even if it’s sitting with baby while you catch up on things.

Regardless of how he turned out, how can you be angry that someone is upstairs sleeping and therefore completely out of your way? It wasnt his fault or problem that you had two children. Sounds like you were struggling and taking it out on your Ex's son. How weird to make him get up at 9 for no good reason other than spite, but also how weird that he just had an empty house to get up and go to and sleep again.

I mean, you dont say how old he was at that point, and getting a job is important if he was of age, but without that info, its all coming across a little step child can do no right.

(I am a SM myself before im accused of not possibly being able to understand)

I don't think he should be expected to do childcare.

Cleaning up after himself and some basic chores relating to things that he also uses is a fair expectation (e.g. my 14yo empties bins and empties dishwasher). And I don't think it's unfair to wake him up if he hasn't done them.

Your stepson should be contributing to the household, but should not be expected to step in for your husband's poor parenting.

I wouldn't be happy about cooking at 2am- if he falls asleep and you're all in bed, there's a fire risk. I'd be turning the wifi off at midnight.

You and your husband need to have a conversation about how you split household tasks- you shouldn't be doing 24/7 while he only works office hours. With a high-needs baby, it's probably unrealistic to expect to finish all the housework during the day, so I would suggest one weekend day where your husband has sole charge of the baby while you clean/ do laundry, or vice-versa.

In the evenings, one of you needs to cook while the other does baby's bathtime and bedtime.

Your stepson should at the very least be cleaning up after himself.

I felt that we all got up in the morning to get out to work to put a roof over his head and food in his belly and the least he could do was get up at a reasonable hour. He was taking a year out and had no intention of looking for work of any type. And his snoring was incredible could be heard all over the house.

I wasn't struggling at all with the dc, dd was going to playschool at that stage so I'd 3 hours every morning with just baby.

Your husband is the problem here, opting out of parenting both his kids, let alone looking after the house. Why does he think he gets to work and do nothing else? When are you going back to work? Has he said how he plans to share things more equally when that happens? How were things before you had a baby?

It should be your husband mowing the lawn and taking care of his own baby. Not many 16 year olds are interested in babies. Not sure why you think your step son should be used as an unpaid nanny for you.

The least he could do is get up? And do what? Thats just you saying "we have to get up, so you do too" even though hes on a, presumably father approved, gap year?

At no point do I have either of my step children wander around appreciating that we feed and house them, thats our duty. They say thank you for dinner etc, I really dont think the point needs labouring beyond that, certainly not setting an alarm to make them get up to really appreciate that they cost us money despite not having asked to have been born, nor having asked for their parents to split up.

Would you treat your own daughters the same when they are finished GCSE's, are you going to make sure they are up by 9am to appreciate the roof you put over their heads?

Im usually so all over the SM side on this forum, but posts like yours and exactly why we take so much shit from the bio's.

Me to. He's not the parent. This is an issue for you and your DH to sort out between you two