To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

[Londoner89]

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

He needs to clean up after himself, and do his own washing. Your partner needs to pick up the slack for the rest. Having an issue with a young adult not pulling their weight, when your partner does absolute nothing to support you, is focussing in the wrong direction....

While I can understand the additional help would be nice, on the surface of it at least he's fairly low maintenance. You say yourself that he creates very little mess and he seems to be out of your way. With a small baby we'd all appreciate a little extra help but I don't think it's really down to him.

What happens if you do ask him to help?

I really feel like your husband is more the issue. He's not helping you but I don't feel like the responsibility should therefore become your step sons, though he should pull his weight.

@Londoner89 but babies cry - that's what they do - you can't always prevent it by having someone available on tap to watch him.

He'll be fine if he cries for a few minutes - it's not the end of the world and practically speaking it's impossible for someone to be with him 24/7 anyway.

I was just about to say this.

It's your husband that is the problem...

There’s a 14 year age gap between me and my half brother and I was expected to help out with everything from night feeds to coming home from school and taking care of him and I can tell you it felt very unfair and I resented it. I’d often miss out on social things with friends because I had to babysit. It’s not your SS job to help you raise a child he had no say on bringing into the world. Nothing wrong with expecting him to do household chores though

I’m not sure whether it’s the clinginess that comes with his age or not but when I said he was high needs, I didn’t mean special needs, I meant that he wants constant attention and has been quite teary since birth. Just putting him in his high chair results in a meltdown. Playpen is a no, especially since he started crawling and feels very confined to it. He wants to be crawling and pulling himself up which means watching out for plugs, small things he could ingest, the cats etc. I’ve tried making the playpen fun, singing and dancing around like a clown while I cook but unfortunately, at least during this development leap, he won’t entertain himself

I'm sorry I know it's uncomfortable when your child isn't happy but a few minutes in a play pen is not going to harm them. The issue is you, you are uncomfortable with anything that makes your child sad. But as a parent you have responsibilities that will sometimes make your child sad. You'll stop them touching things that are dangerous, running where ever they want to go, jumping off high things etc. all things that they will want to do. Put the baby in the playpen and do what you need to do

I think he should be able to game all night and sleep all day if he wants to, lots of teens do that in the holidays.

However, it’s not unreasonable to expect teens to do some stuff around the house. He should definitely clear up after himself. When my kids were that age they cooked once a week, walked the dogs, sorted the dishwasher, sometimes put a wash on etc. No reason he can’t do some things once he’s up at 5pm and clear up after his middle of the night meal.

It’s not his job to look after your baby though. You need to sort that one with your husband, who seems a bit shit if you get no time.

Playpen is a no, especially since he started crawling and feels very confined to it.

I must admit I’ve never understood why a lot of mums on MN talk of not being able to pee in peace but point blank refuse to use playpens.

As for SS yes he should pull his weight a bit more but maybe so should your partner?

In fairness I tried a play pen for my youngest and all that would happen is constant, and I mean CONSTANT, screaming. It was unbearable. Tried everything to convince him it was fine, for months, but he wasn’t having it 😂 my older DC fine with it

I do think op is unreasonable though

I'm a night owl, and I'm hugely grateful that my parents just let me be in the summer. I live my whole life to morning schedules, and you know what, I deal with it.

But when I don't have to, I don't have to. And I certainly didn't benefit from any "practice" being awake in the morning for no reason.

Mind you, my teenage siblings probably were less impressed at having two toddlers running around when my sister and I came along.

It's not unreasonable for your DSS and your partner to share the work of living in the house.

But it is unreasonable to consider your SS as a baby sitter or that he should hold your baby etc etc. It was your decision to have a baby - it's the baby's father who should be supporting you, not a 15 year old.

It's interesting how much you want to demand of your SS, and how little support you expect from the baby's actual father.

He should be helping clear up after himself, you have a dh issue but the ss did not ask for you to have a child I presume? That was your choice

You chose? To have a baby.
He didn't choose to have a sibling.
Imagine role reversed, you've been studying for your gcses whilst there's a young noisy baby around the house.
You've got three weeks before you start 2 years of life where you future will likely be very influenced by the outcome.
So no. I think you're being unreasonable expecting you son to take on a parental role, when he is in a critical time in his life and having a baby was your choice.

However I do personally believe that it would be kind to chat to him about what he wants to do with his time off. Is there anything he'd like to do or go before he goes back.
It would be useful to teach him that you don't get three weeks off again like that very easily later in life, and he could benefit from experiencing things outside the house.
But i also think video games are a great way to decompress and escape reality. I use them when I'm in the worst places in my life, it sort of numbs things out for a bit. Then can recoup and come back swinging.
Maybe he's actually trying to avoid you and baby? Maybe there's something going on?

__
On another note I feel for you and you're not being the asshole in wanting help.
But look to your husband. And if its still too much for both of you hired help.

You could get your son to do some chores, but I would be wise about this.
Try and reach him things before he leaves home so he can be more prepared when he becomes an independent adult. It really helps success! Going to uni or getting a job and already knowing how to cook healthy meals and do house chores and maintenance is a big help.

I would focus though on building a good relationship with him before he moves out. He may be feeling replaced. He may be feeling like he wants to escape.

But also maybe you should sit down with your husband and ask for help.
Prioritise taking better care if yourself, as that's your responsibility. It will also benefit those around you. People who are stretched can become resentful and irritable, even ill.
Maybe you can take some time for yourself each day. Have an hour where your partner takes over and you can go for a walk or have a bath or meet friends. Just do some self care.

The other thing is nothing terrible happens if a house is messy for a bit.
What is more important is your health, your families health, your relationships and also setting up your son for a good start in life. Also taking care of yourself, and your husband taking care of himself.
If its not working now you need to figure out what it working could look like, and how to get there from where you are. It's upto you and your parnter.

It is not okay to offload stress and a lot of responsibilities onto a child, who is a critical point in their development.

Wrote a lot but wanted to write more succinct.

If you have problems, it is your responsibility to realise what they are, and intiate resolving them.
There's people on here saying your husband is an arse.
But. It's unfair to expect someone to mind read what you want, and then be resentful if you don't get what you want or need.

You need to communicate your wants and needs. In a kind way.

You can ask your son that you are struggling and would he pick a chore or offer some help with xyz. Or ask him to clean up his food when he is done. I think that's fair? But ask him and have a nice discussion. So he will feel nice that he can help his mum out, yet not feel like he's being told what to do.

Definitely need to have a chat with your husband about how you are feeling.

I don't think the real problem here is your son staying up at night. I think you are channeling your frustration at him.
Whereas if he disappeared, you would still be feeling stretched and tired.

Look my teens were secretly furious at their surprise sister. Didn’t want her, she was a pain in the neck. It would have done no good whatsoever to force them. It’s long term relationships you are hoping for.
And aren’t his results coming out tomorrow? My daughter is currently going mental and reassuring her just proves that we don’t understand

You chose to have the baby so need to find a way to cope with normal daily life that involves your husband pulling his weight. By all means ss should clear up after himself but why should he pick up the slack relating to your housework etc. if he is up all day you will complain he is under your feet or too noisy and disturbing baby. He should be capable of feeding himself and keeping on top pf his own laundry and tidying but beyond that he is a teenager and his holiday routine is much that of most teenagers. Chat to your husband and get more organised. Babies are not that difficult. Don't put your stress on your ss.