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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

191 replies

Londoner89 · 18/08/2023 14:13

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

OP posts:
tooearlyforthis98 · 18/08/2023 19:20

LBOCS2 · 18/08/2023 14:28

It's not your stepson's job to support you and the baby, it's your husband's. It's reasonable for you to expect him not to unreasonably add to the household workload at his age, but you can't assume that because he's there he should be doing things for you.

My 16yo DSS is basically nocturnal and spends a lot of the night gaming. We feed him when he appears, and if he gets peckish outside that he makes food for himself (and tidies up afterwards). If we have expectations of him - going out as a family for example - we give him notice and expect him to get himself in gear for it.

There are very few opportunities in life to spend time doing exactly what you want when you want it, I don't begrudge him this couple of months. He wanted to get a job but because of the distance between us and his mum's it wouldn't work (or we just wouldn't see him all summer), so it'd hardly be fair of us to stop him doing any of the fun things he wanted when it's as a result of us he's not able to do anything which is 'worthy'.

I completely agree with this

nolamesallowed · 18/08/2023 19:26

Yup. Yes he should change his routine because it's inconsiderate but stepchildren are revered by MN. It's so strange because in reality stepchildren can be so difficult and dancing around them makes it worse. I don't have a stepchild and wouldn't consider it because martyring myself for someone else's self made brat isn't for me.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 19:29

nolamesallowed · 18/08/2023 19:26

Yup. Yes he should change his routine because it's inconsiderate but stepchildren are revered by MN. It's so strange because in reality stepchildren can be so difficult and dancing around them makes it worse. I don't have a stepchild and wouldn't consider it because martyring myself for someone else's self made brat isn't for me.

Why is it inconsiderate? It's a routine a lot of kids have (rightly or wrongly) at this time in their life , even if they're not step kids.

nolamesallowed · 18/08/2023 19:34

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus so sleeping all day and being up all night isn't inconsiderate? What a strange view. Are you one of those ex wife's that just cannot handle that other children exist?

LBOCS2 · 18/08/2023 19:37

nolamesallowed · 18/08/2023 19:34

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus so sleeping all day and being up all night isn't inconsiderate? What a strange view. Are you one of those ex wife's that just cannot handle that other children exist?

I don't think it's inconsiderate as long as it's not putting anyone out. Notwithstanding the OP's unreasonable expectations, who is it inconveniencing?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 19:40

nolamesallowed · 18/08/2023 19:34

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus so sleeping all day and being up all night isn't inconsiderate? What a strange view. Are you one of those ex wife's that just cannot handle that other children exist?

No (and not only am I not an ex wife , you can find me on several step mum threads ,defending the step mum so your assumption is quite funny). I was that teen/young adult.Grin Even got a night shift job because it suited that routine better.

sarah419 · 20/08/2023 12:33

it’s not his responsibility to help with baby - you shouldn’t expect that. let husband hire a nanny if he’s not able to help you properly!

sarah419 · 20/08/2023 12:35

she’s martyring herself for her own baby though. she’s complaining that SS isn’t helping with the baby or her postpartum period which he he wasn’t part in the making.

Pineapples198 · 20/08/2023 13:09

As frustrating as it probably is to be drowning while a 16 year old sleeps all day, it’s not his responsibility to care for you or his half sibling. This is DH’s job. He is self employed, but “keeps a good routine as though he goes to an office”. Why is he only getting home when DS is asleep? That’s ridiculous. He should be home at 4pm or 5pm in order to help with dinner, bath, bedtime and any housework. Sounds like he is just conveniently coming back when he knows bedtime is sorted.
speak to your DH and explain you need him to step up and parent your child. There is no need for him to be out working in the evenings. If he still has work to do he could come home to support then do a bit later once baby is asleep.
He’s opting out of parenting both his baby and his older son. It’s not on.

Samlewis96 · 20/08/2023 13:28

What I find strange is that their is no mention of the boy doing anything. Both myself and all y kids were either out with friends, working or doing hobby stuff And my ds is 19 so hardly a long time ago. He's now on long holiday from uni so been doing his p/t McDonald's job, spending time with friends/ gf and is currently on a 7 week stint working in a summer camp I Austria. Of course their were times he was in bed till midday but not all the time. He didn't even do that in gcse year ,( was 1st year to have them cancelled in2020)

Landes22 · 20/08/2023 14:18

Completely agree with this!! the OP sounds like she’s on the way to evil stepmom territory.

KajsaKavat · 20/08/2023 14:27

But his brother is a tiny baby, why would he be interested in him?
yiu seem oblivious to what teenagers are like and have odd expectations.
I get that yoj are tired but that’s your bunny’s fault and not your SS

DelphiniumBlue · 20/08/2023 14:37

I was saying on another thread, 16 year old boys are mostly horrible, I think it's natures way of enforcing separation from parents and fostering independence. It's bad enough when it's your own son, but I'd imagine one's tolerance for their nonsense is even less when you don't have the residue of mama hormones protecting your baby!
Your SS sounds pretty much in the range of normal. You can't force him to sleep on your schedule, annoyingly, but it's not unreasonable to expect some help when he is awake, and for him to clear up after himself in the kitchen . I'd take the view that his room and laundry are nothing to do with you.
When my sons were that age, it helped to let them know in advance what was needed- eg we need do the shopping, I'll need you to come with me/ be available to unload at x time. I'd like you to look after the bs y when I go to the hairdresser/ gym , what time works best for you?
And DH needs to step up massively and set an example- if you do all the cooking, then he needs to clear up, every time and get SS to do the same.

DangerousAlchemy · 20/08/2023 14:49

underneaththeash · 18/08/2023 15:50

It’s not good for a 16 yo to be up gaming til 5am every night.
tell him he needs to go to bed earlier.

Yeah @underneaththeash my DS is 15 & if he's still gaming @11 pm ish I'll tell him to get off soon & go to bed- I definitely wouldn't want him cooking a proper meal at 2 am either as he might set off smoke alarm/burn house down. If my DS has friends staying over (we have a garden room) they'll have cereal/toast at 2 am but do attempt to tidy up (often badly). Think OP SS is avoiding her & new baby tbh. My DS wouldn't be remotely interested if I popped a new baby out. He has his own life/friends/football etc etc to keep him busy.

BippidyboppidyBoo · 20/08/2023 15:06

WiFi off at 10pm

Mumof2teens79 · 20/08/2023 15:18

I think your DH needs to step up.
It's unreasonable to expect SS to stand in for his father, or act like another adult, but his current routine is extreme and he should be encouraged to shift to slightly more sociable hours and do a bit around the house. He should also help with little things during the day while he's not busy like watching baby while you do jobs or bringing shopping in.

But ultimately your OH should be taking responsibility for being at home more and sharing things round the house more equally

Floofydawg · 20/08/2023 15:32

I have a similar 16yo boy in the house (not mine). He comes for 3 nights and only leaves his room to eat and use the bathroom. Only leaves the house if we coerce him into walking the dog. I'm going to campaign for him getting a job next summer - he needs to get a life outside of his games console.

Createausername1970 · 20/08/2023 15:43

My DS was very nocturnal at that age and still is to a degree.

Often they are gaming with the same people, but not necessarily all from the UK, so time differences come into play as well.

He definitely should be clearing up after himself, and you would not BU to request/insist on this. But as for the rest - he will be off to college in a few weeks, so his routine will return to normal and he won't be around to help you anyway.

I would just leave him to his own devices, feed him if he is around at your dinner time, but state you aren't running a cafe, so at other times he must either heat up left overs or fend for himself - and clean up his debris.

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 15:47

In my opinion they both need to be doing more around the house, both sound incredibly lazy. It annoyed me when my kids were up until 5am and asleep until 5pm in covid, I wouldn’t allow it any other time. Uni hols my son is working full time. But it’s not his responsibility to help with the baby, and to be honest an 18yr old boy isn’t going to interact much with a baby, they just aren’t interested, especially a boy.

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 15:48

So 16yr old not 18

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 20/08/2023 16:39

Your SS is not your DH and he shouldn’t be taking his place.

Of course he should be cleaning up after himself but he shouldn’t be getting up earlier, just so he can help you with the baby or do chores.

It sounds like DH is a bit useless so you are trying to make SS make up for it, which isn’t fair.

I’d have also thought that him being in bed for most of the day would actually be easier for you.

Its also not his fault he can’t cook, especially if his dad can’t cook.
My mum never cooked for us and its incredibly difficult to learn something that doesn’t come naturally to you.
I would get them to both help whilst you cook so they learn and then they can start doing it by themselves.

Does he live with you full time?

Ffion21 · 20/08/2023 16:57

Have you asks SS to Hoover once per week or throw some bleach down the loo? If not then ask. Reasonable.

It is not reasonable to ask him to do child care, it’s his baby brother not his own child.

He sounds like a pretty easy teenager to be honest.

Ffion21 · 20/08/2023 17:04

Ignoring the SS issue, it does sound like maybe you’re struggling with your day to day. If your husband works is there any other avenue open to you for help? Is it stress and maybe getting out the house and joining a baby group may help too?

Hope you find something to help soon OP!

category12 · 20/08/2023 17:07

Her husband should help. Young families tend to have at least one person working, it doesn't mean that person gets to do fuck all around the house and only come home after the child's bedtime.

saffronsoup · 20/08/2023 17:08

Your SS could do some chores and clean up after himself but no, he isn't responsible for your child and he isn't your personal assistant.

Go back to work. Someone has to earn money to pay for food and rent / mortgage and insurance and cars and clothes and cleaning supplies and heat and water etc. If that is your husband then you can't be mad he goes off to long hours at work everyday. He is taking care of all of you. Share that burden and then you can expect more help with the burden at home.