To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

[Londoner89]

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

I think this depends if the washing up , laundry etc is his or not? I would think it entirely reasonable to expect him to clean up after himself when he makes food and to do his own washing - ie , not making any extra work for you . But , other than that I personally think it’s unreasonable to ask him to be up so that he can help you with your baby and housework etc if he’s not creating it. He’s young, he’s on a short break between studies and he’s not a parent , so shouldn’t be expected to help with the baby etc if when he’s in his room he’s not bothering anyone or making any extra work for anyone .

Your husband should be making time to help you . Even if it means he has to work a little later in the evening so he can help you in the morning .

I think you are very overwhelmed at the moment and that is normal and is expected with a baby and being alone all day and I imagine you are tired and thinking “ I’m run off my feet and he’s just lay in bed “ but , rationally he’s not responsible for it , he certainly shouldn’t be expected to take a role in childcare . You need to speak to your husband about this - was this the plan when you had the baby , that you would be a SAHM and he would work and did you discuss his role when he’s home ?

Fully agree that it is not your stepson's job to support you and the baby. Fine to have a few fair chores eg his own laundry though.

I wouldn't be doing his laundry and would be waking him up to clear up after himself. But it's not his responsibility to help with your child.

Sounds like the step son has started choosing to be awake in the night possibly to avoid step mum and baby and to have some space to himself.

Then after A-levels you'll need to be easier on him as he might be making uni applications and all the stress that comes with that, then when he's at uni he's only home for the holidays so "needs to relax", then after that perhaps he'll need to start making graduate job applications which again means you'll need to tip toe around him. Your son might very well be at primary school before you can expect your SS to maybe remember to wash his plate instead of leaving it precariously on the kitchen sink!

I think that it is reasonable to expect a 16 year old to do a few house jobs. Not an excessive amount but some jobs to help their family. I think the baby is not the key thing here, but rather that 16 is old enough to contribute to the household running.

It would be better if your stepson changed his sleeping schedule for his own benefit, so that in three weeks he is able to get out of bed for school. Not to help you with the baby. It would be reasonable for him to help you carry the buggy down the stairs if he is around and available, but you shouldn't be relying on it. He's 15, he won't want to spend his day hanging out with you. It is hard to get things done with a 9 month old but you can do little bits here and there.

apart from cleaning up after himself and doing his own washing then nothing is the boys responsibility. The baby is not his responsibility. It’s yours and the fathers. Teenagers do have different sleep schedules in holidays it’s very normal and aslong as he isn’t under your feet it’s really not your problem.

I think you are taking things out on the wrong person here. As long as ss isn't leaving the place in a tip then he seems fine. Sounds like he is keeping himself out of the way which is understandable. The not cooking excuse is a cop out, everyone can learn a bit of basic cookery. You need to make sure husband is stepping up and not using work as an excuse for not helping. I would nip it in the bud now or he will think he can get away with it forever.

It was your and your husbands choice to have a baby, not your stepsons.

Your husband should be the one stepping up.

And stepson should have normal chores for his age, he shouldn’t have to step up for a baby that wasn’t his choice

I think your SS should certainly tidy up after himself and not leave a mess. But I don't think he should have to do housework as such. Is there any way you could afford a cleaner

I think your frustration is possibly slightly misplaced here.
I do get SS routine needs a shake up and a chore or two adding into the mix but it's DH who needs to step up from what I've read.

You need to look at whatever underlying problem means that SS is so anti-social and isn’t interested in living life. He has no awareness of others’ needs. His dopamine is fed by the computer games. He’s not going to get any satisfaction out of caring for a baby or helping you when there’s an addictive process going on which mainlines dopamine in this way. No bribery or encouragement or threats or conversations are going to work until you work out what else is going on. At a guess is neurotypical - ADHD or Autism. What other traits does he display? Both are highly hereditary so likely your husband or SS’s mum also has it.

Maybe get him to cook once a week, wash up a couple of times and do his own washing. He needs to learn these things anyway when he eventually moves out. Does he not go out with friends? Or is all his friends also gamers?
Also, many kids are really nervous this time of year as he will be getting his GCSEs next week. Maybe this is his way of coping.

But you husband should be doing more work. Once my partner is home from work, everything is split 50/50. Being a stay at home is work too.

Second post sums it up
Dont see how anyone could argue otherwise

I have a friend with a half sibling with a significant age gap like yours and she says the relationship is nothing like her other sibling where they had the same parents and childhood experiences and memories. She sees her youngest sibling more like a niece from her extended family, which kind of makes sense. Don't expect your ss to have a close sibling bond with the baby and you wont be disappointed.

You cannot expected your ss to mind the baby or fill the gap that your dh should be filling.

You dh has wiped his hands when it comes to raising his first son to be considerate and sounds like he has been a pretty poor dad figure when it comes to modelling what it means to be a family man, I think you will have a job on your hands making sure he steps up for his second dc.

It’s yours and DHs baby, do you need to deal with that!

Ground rules for SS,

You're right he should be staying up all night gaming until 5am not learning how to keep a house.

Oh come off it!!! 😆

Teenage boy isn't interested in a nine month old baby, so he must be neurodiverse?!

OP, your issues with your new baby are not your SS's issues. As many PPs have pointed out.

There’s a 16 year age gap? I don’t imagine many 16 year old boys are interested in babies. I wouldn’t expect much else. I’m about to have a 14 year age gap, and I am not expecting much interest 😂😂😂

What does that mean he can't clean the house.

OP bring him to my house his ears will be ringing by the time we're done with him. We are a loud house and we make our feelings known if someone was not pulling their weight then ears will be ringing.

Sorry but you chose to have a baby, not your SS. Why should he have to help because you cant cope? Having a baby is tough but as this is Mumsnet most of us have had at least one child if not six or seven. Rules of parenthood. Your older children are not there to help with younger children. You have the children? Your responsibility. Watch Super Nanny that is pretty much lesson 1.

having said that your SS can wash his own dirty dishes and he could do his washing and ironing. You cant decide after having a baby that everyone else has to change their routines and lives to accommodate your
life choice. What did you and husband decide before the baby was conceived regarding caring for the child?

maybe you are suffering from post natal depression but honestly, it is hard work but your choice. SS should be able to live his life as long as he isnt making work for you to do.

Agree with this.

He should clean up after himself though. Really not his job to co-parent.

@Solonge A poster the other day told me she had never heard of Super Nanny she made me feel old 😲

How must he have felt though, having to leave his home and sleep elsewhere? Did anyone ever actually interact with the lad?

A lot of teen boys are very into their gaming. I have one. I hear peels of laughter coming from his room regularly as he's gaming with his mates (not during the night). I don't like it but he does sometimes pull all-nighters. He also has a part-time job (usually gets quite a few hours) and is going into 2nd year uni. He doesn't make food during the night. I wouldn't allow it anyway.

Covid I think made it all worse because they had no choice, so they don't always think to meet up in person. They have started to go out a bit more recently which I am glad about. I don't honestly see the harm but would encourage them to do other things as well.

@Londoner89 - your SS has just had the stress of GCSEs - hope he gets the results he wants. It's ONE SUMMER. Next year he could be encouraged to get a job, or volunteer for a charity to get work experience. He won't be able to keep this up. He will have to keep normal hours when he goes back to school.

Please don't expect him to look after your baby for you. You will only drive him further away, though with the age gap between them, they may never be close.

Your resentment is on your DH. He is the one who needs to step up - for all of you it seems.

Are you going back to work? Maybe you could start putting the baby into childcare sometimes to get him used to it?