To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

[Londoner89]

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

Poor kid having a baby thrust on him at the age when we all just wanted to be left in peace. If his Father was so enthusiastic about having a second family he should step and help out , not the teenager who had no say in adding another baby at this late stage

Why does him laying in bed sleeping but gaming all night annoy you? Honestly he's just finished GCSEs, he's about to do A levels I'd cut him a ton of slack here (mum of 2 DS in their early twenties here). He should clear up after himself though but I wouldn't kick off about his hours - it is pretty normal I think.

You DH should be helping you a lot more I think - can you get a cleaner if he is too busy at work to get you over the busiest period with your new baby?

Completely normal to be frazzled with a 9 month old! Don't take it out on your poor SS who's just being a normal teenager. Mind his (half) brother and help with the buggy indeed.

Your DH should be waking his son up and setting the boundaries. If he doesn't cut off the wifi and get him to the table for a discussion about reasonable and acceptable behaviour. If DH won't step up then you are living with 3 children.

Your DH needs to step in here. Then he can have the usual battles with the SS.

I have 3 teens, well one has just left them. I expect

Keep own rooms tidy/change bed
Do own laundry
Make own breakfast and lunch, unless we are eating breakfast together at the weekend, including packed lunches.
Some help - which requires varying degrees of nagging and is dependent on child age/personality to load DW/walk dog. Only one child will cook for all the family, but the others will sort food at dinner for themselves if they are out of sync with the rest of the family.

The dog was something they all 'wanted'. I expect a bit more when off school/uni in terms of the tasks that they don't all do. I'm liberal in terms of times they keep, but they also have to accept when I am up at 5 doing dishwasher or exercising.

I would invest in an app like Tody to share out some jobs to your dss that way (it's worth paying for the family subscription, in my experience, even if just for a year to build habits). That way you can tackle one thing at a time: start with the jobs, and work on the sleep schedule later (that's going to fix itself in three weeks, anyway).

The app lets you set up tasks to recur at different numbers of days and to rotate between people, or always to be assigned to the same person. All everyone needs is the app, no accounts needed as such.

The app sits in the middle as a neutral party. It'll be your dss's copy of the app that pops up a notification to say he needs to sweep the kitchen floor today, it's his turn to clean the bathroom or his turn to do the bins. (He could even do some quiet jobs when you're asleep.)

Basically you should then get the help you need, but with a lot less angst compared to getting everyone to agree that he should work under your real-time direction for a particular hour every day, which I can imagine there could be a lot of resistance to.

I bet he will love his little brother in time, but babies are not all that interactive at that age, so I'm not surprised he's not that bothered right now.

I wouldn't let a teenager of mine game all night, I don't think he's 'just a normal teenager'

@SuperBurgers I have a dd & a ds and at 13 and almost 10, they have a good ethic for getting up in the mornings and have occasional sleep ins like everyone. I've restrictions on their gaming devices and her phone so they can't use them beyond 10pm at night.

I will of course expect that they'll not lounge in bed all day when they finish school.

Ex didn't stand up for his son, he just chose to turn a blind eye to it as he was already gone to work from the early hours.

You are projecting to your SS what your DH should be doing. Most Teenage boys are not interested in babies. there is no reason why DH can’t come home earlier, spend two hours with you and baby, help with cooking, tidying kitchen and bedtime and then continue working. His expectation not to change his routine with a new baby is clearly not on.

frankly I understand why your SS is not getting up during the day, his dad is not around and spending the day with a high need baby is not attractive for a teenager. I doubt a 9 month old is trying to kiss.

anyway your DH needs to step up and spend time with both his children! And pull his weight at home.

Interesting that you expect you SS to help you with the buggy and to watch the baby. Do you have other plans with him too, like take him out somewhere nice or should he only be awake to be your helper?

It's not your stepson's job to support you or the baby. Its your DH's job, its unreasonable to expect him to work or look after baby when ts not decision to have the baby but your yours

There's a theory about the fact that many teenagers are nocturnal, something to do with the guarding of the pack....anyway, many of them keep very different hours to the rest of us.

I think that a set of basic house-related chores is a good idea. DS did the bins twice a week, plus putting out the right wheely bin. He also walks the dog every morning and sorts out his room. We are now in full-on uni prep mode so he cooks, shops and is learning to do laundry. He looks after himself with some parental support.

However, I don't think it is reasonable to expect him to look after your baby- that was your choice, not his. Your baby is not necessarily part of his life, the baby is part of your DH's life- it is DH who needs to step up here.

Kids go from doing very little to sometimes being adults who still live at home for quite a while (these days). Over that time they have to evolve from people who have everything done for them, with no responsibilities other than playing and school, to adults who pull their weight fully alongside the other adults in the house.

An older teenager isn't yet at the adult stage but is well out from the stage where everything should be done for them. Even if their lists of chores are much shorter than those of their parents, they still need those lists, and not because they "should be helping their stepmum who is really stressed" but just because they are able-bodied near adults living in a house and that's what able-bodied near adults living in a house do.

Didn’t we all do this at some point? I definitely remember sleeping all day and playing sims all night in the holidays 🤷‍♀️

I don't see why if he's doing nothing else he shouldn't help with the buggy/watch the baby sometimes whilst Op prepares herself some food for example/do some washing up if it's all piled up & Op obviously isn't getting time to do it.

That just seems to be a decent thing to do.

That said though I can't really see the point of Op's husband.

No
it is your dh responsibility to do his share with the baby
unless of course ss is baby’s dad ?..
no …thought not
therefore not ss responsibility

Your SS needs to pick up after himself and sort himself out. However, he isn't a built in baby sitter or partner /parent replacement. He had no choice in that baby being born and bears no responsibility towards him or you. I know it would be nice if he offered,and you had the help and they bonded but it is what it is.

So by all means pull him up on his own mess and tell him/tell his dad to make him to pick up after himself and sort himself out but that's it.

You're not unreasonable to be frazzled with a 9mo.

Your DH is highly unreasonable to not be helping out more. His baby, he chose to have a child with you, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent.

Your SS is not unreasonable to expect to be able to do as he pleases with his summer - although as others have said he should be doing some chores as a minimum because he's heading towards young adulthood and needs to learn to be considerate and pull his weight with household stuff. I have teen boys and would also not let them game all night tbh. BUT as others have said your SS didn't ask for you to have a baby, most 16 year old boys would absolutely hate to be in his situation, he may come to love the sibling in time but right now he probably feels the baby has ruined his life. To be fair, he's right, to an extent - nothing worse than having to tiptoe round a baby - especially a painful whiney high needs one - when you're a teenager. So just bear that in mind too.

I'm on the fence here. I don't think your SS should be creating more work for the household so id expect him to clean up after himself and do his own meal prep especially if he's not there at mealtimes. I don't think it's unreasonable that he does his laundry, bedding/bedroom etc.
I don't necessarily think the hours he keeps is a big issue as it's not really affecting the rest of the household. You mention barely coping with looking after your son. I think that's yours and your husbands responsibility. I don't think you should be expecting your step son to help out with childcare. You're unclear what additional needs your child has but I'd expect you and your husband to have equal 'down time'. If he's out the house whilst your child is awake he'll have to focus on 'communial' housework. That includes eg meal prep, hoovering, making a shopping list etc...pretty much anything else that needs doing. Unless your ss is incredibly dirty/untidy/selfish I doubt he's contributing much in the way of 'making a mess'. I think you're jealous of his freedom and angry at the wrong person.

It sounds like you're angry with your DH but taking it out on your SS as he's the one who's physically in the house.

I think you are projecting at the wrong male - why exactly is your baby’s dad not stepping up?

As PP have said, it isn't SS responsibility to help you with the baby, no but he's in your family and do the household chores should surely be divided equally between the 3 of you.
To my mind, the fact that he has flipped his day is up to him whilst he's on holiday, but he still needs to do his regular jobs whilst he's awake and no he shouldn't get paid for them. Part of being a family is sharing the work.
So maybe pick a time when SS is awake, DH is home and baby is asleep and have a family meeting to agree which jobs belong to which people. At the moment they're expecting you to do it all, which isn't fair!

SS should be cleaning up after himself. He can do his own dishes and his own laundry. He can also have a reasonable amount of household chores assigned to him that he can do at a time he chooses within the set parameters. Everyone old enough should pitch in after all.

he is not your mothers helper. He doesn’t need to provide child care and he doesn’t need to help you with your day to day tasks. That is your husband’s job. When he is not at work, he should be doing an equal amount of child care and chores.

Your SS has zero responsibility towards caring for the baby - he is not their parent. Your husband is and it sounds like he needs to be around more. So YABVU to expect SS to be about to help out with the baby, I wouldn’t expect that of any teenager.

I however would be encouraging SS to be up and about more in the daytime for several reasons:

• summers at 16/17/18 you be amazing - why doesn’t he spend time with friends? Encourage them to get out and do something. I would want my SS to be out having fun in the sun not nocturnally glued to a computer

• do you or his dad actually spend any time with him? It sounds like quite a lonely existence otherwise. He may be coping badly with a new sibling.

• he is going to college soon and will need to be up and out if he wants to do well, so it’s better to sort out his sleep schedule now.

it sounds like you are overwhelmed, but if he is generally tidy and quiet then the fact the house is a tip is not his fault.

and I think you need to have a serious chat with your husband about doing more - for your benefit but also that of his teenage son.

@Happierwithouthim ah I remember 10 & 13 with fond memories. And then at 14 they became surely teenagers and everything I taught them seemed to go out of the window and they do indeed want to stay in bed until lunchtime (& often do in the holidays if we're both working) leave a trail of distraction and aren't particularly communicative with anyone!