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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

191 replies

Londoner89 · 18/08/2023 14:13

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

OP posts:
FloweryName · 18/08/2023 15:39

Your step son should be cleaning up after himself of course but he’s probably going through the lazy selfish teenager phase and will come out the other side perfectly capable of cleaning.

YABVU to think that he shouldn’t be sleeping in the day because you’ve chosen to have a baby and you’re finding it hard. That’s not your ss’s responsibility. His dad should be trying to get him up in the day for his own benefit, but not to help care for your baby.

SuperBurgers · 18/08/2023 15:39

Wishitsnows · 18/08/2023 15:33

It should be your husband mowing the lawn and taking care of his own baby. Not many 16 year olds are interested in babies. Not sure why you think your step son should be used as an unpaid nanny for you.

Honestly, I think hes just there and her DH isnt, shes projecting and I do understand that when you are having a rough time of it. The door that my jeans catch on every time Im in a foul mood isnt to blame, but it gets a kick anyway.

Im sure if I have a young one screaming in my ear, hadnt showered for a day and had a bladder about to burst and my SS's hadnt even looked up from the TV, i'd be feeling frustrated at them too, but only because they are there. She really just needs more support from her partner.

LlynTegid · 18/08/2023 15:41

Step son should be helping, and getting back to a normal daytime will make next month and start of A levels a lot easier. And DH doing more.

Clefable · 18/08/2023 15:41

He's a teenage boy, I think a few mins of playing with a baby a day is all you can expect really. Agree that he should clean up after himself but your struggles with your baby are not anything to do with him. I certainly wouldn't ask him to watch a 9mo baby.

What does he have to get up for? It's not his job to help you if you're struggling; it's your husband's.

MojoMoon · 18/08/2023 15:44

Just picked up on the fact that his own mother has been horrible to him as well.

His dad appears to be doing very little parenting. Does he ever take his older son out, go and do something with him? Engage with him at all?

Can understand why he is nocturnal, seems like none of the adults in his life are very interested in him. Might be more comforting to avoid them and hide away.

Happierwithouthim · 18/08/2023 15:44

@SuperBurgers I believe that lying in bed all day is unhealthy and doesn't create good habits for life, I wasn't looking for him to be grateful to me for providing for him, just to get up and live life. A gap year spent in bed wasn't going to be beneficial to him at all. He lived with us fulltime as his dm had passed away before we met.

We lived in a beautiful place where he could've got up and met friends, done water activities, it was for his good I wanted him up not as a punishment.

underneaththeash · 18/08/2023 15:50

It’s not good for a 16 yo to be up gaming til 5am every night.
tell him he needs to go to bed earlier.

SuperBurgers · 18/08/2023 15:51

Happierwithouthim · 18/08/2023 15:44

@SuperBurgers I believe that lying in bed all day is unhealthy and doesn't create good habits for life, I wasn't looking for him to be grateful to me for providing for him, just to get up and live life. A gap year spent in bed wasn't going to be beneficial to him at all. He lived with us fulltime as his dm had passed away before we met.

We lived in a beautiful place where he could've got up and met friends, done water activities, it was for his good I wanted him up not as a punishment.

"Dh is now EXDH and SS is a 28 year old gamer."

You didnt want him up at 9am as a punishment but you seem pretty happy to confirm that he is now a waster (sorry, gamer) because, what? You were right about him all along?

Although in saying that, it doesnt seem that making him get up to appreciate his day at 9am had changed the outcome of his future any.

Maplestars · 18/08/2023 15:51

He needs responsibilities and to help with the house because it’s good for him to learn.

and realistically I wouldn’t allow a child under my roof to live like that, because it’s not healthy.
I’d be alarmed that DH, thought that was ok.
and I’d also be checking ss is ok, why doesn’t he have friends to go out with, does he not want to do any activities, is he avoiding the family?
if he wants to stay up all night, he can’t be cooking unhealthy fish and chips at 2am and leaving a mess either.

he needs to change because that’s what’s right for him. Not to help you.
who is looking out for him?

FloweryName · 18/08/2023 15:52

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

I honestly can’t believe that you typed this in all seriousness and then actually posted it.

It’s things like this that give step mothers a horrible reputation, even though many of them are lovely. It’s so sad when kids are treated like this by people who are supposed to care for them.

Anywherebuthere · 18/08/2023 15:53

Your SS should definately be cleaning up after himself and getting on with at least some of his own washing, cooking, cleaning up after himself etc.

It would be nice if he could be on board to help you with other chores too. If something needs doing, why not just ask and see what happens. Teens/kids dont always use their initiative to get on with chores.

However, really your DH is the one that needs to properly step up for you and all the children.

You need to communicate with him how he needs to step up and help with the house and baby. It would be nice if SS babysat here and there but its actually your and your DHs responsibility to look after both children.

Tippley · 18/08/2023 15:55

I don't think he should feel obliged to help with the half brother he didn't choose to have, but he is old enough to help around the house. Trouble is he has a poor role model in this regard as his dad doesn't bother doing housework or helping support you either.

category12 · 18/08/2023 16:01

It's your DH who has opted out of parenting the baby - yes, it's not a bad idea to work out of the house, but it sounds like he's really staying out as long as possible if the baby is in bed every evening before he gets back.

Step-son should pick up after himself, but your problem is the full-grown adult man who isn't pulling his weight at home or with the baby.

mrsm43s · 18/08/2023 16:04

15 year old child should be enjoying his long holidays after the stress of GCSEs.

He should absolutely be cooking and cleaning up after himself, and possibly doing his own laundry too. He shouldn't be making any extra work for you to do. So you need to make sure he knows not to leave dirty pans/dishes out for you.

However,he absolutely is not your skivvy. General housework and maintenance is not his responsibility (beyond treating the house respectfully and cleaning up his own things), neither is childcare for your child.

Your DH should be pulling his weight - 50/50 of all childcare and housework outside of his working hours.

Happierwithouthim · 18/08/2023 16:05

SuperBurgers · 18/08/2023 15:51

"Dh is now EXDH and SS is a 28 year old gamer."

You didnt want him up at 9am as a punishment but you seem pretty happy to confirm that he is now a waster (sorry, gamer) because, what? You were right about him all along?

Although in saying that, it doesnt seem that making him get up to appreciate his day at 9am had changed the outcome of his future any.

Show quote history

If his father had parented him and sided with me in encouraging him to get up and get out and active for the day instead of just moving to another sleeping position maybe he would've turned out differently, he's spent a lot of his life lost, his older siblings would have ambition and were in agreement with me that he needed to see life outside the walls of his bedroom.

Sure he didn't get up at 9am, he just interrupted his sleep for 5 mins to move location, you seem to have missed my point entirely and have the impression that I wanted to punish him and was a struggling mum of two Hmm

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 16:05

Happierwithouthim · 18/08/2023 15:27

I felt that we all got up in the morning to get out to work to put a roof over his head and food in his belly and the least he could do was get up at a reasonable hour. He was taking a year out and had no intention of looking for work of any type. And his snoring was incredible could be heard all over the house.

I wasn't struggling at all with the dc, dd was going to playschool at that stage so I'd 3 hours every morning with just baby.

Show quote history

Of all the things about this whole situation, your DSS not getting up in the morning while you were up with two young DC is the least thing to have been annoyed about. The problem was with his lack of contribution, him not being in either work or studying. And he could certainly have been doing one or both of those without being either up or present in the mornings. Plenty of jobs that don't require getting out of your pit before noon! You were complaining about the wrong thing.

knobheed99 · 18/08/2023 16:07

You have a DH problem, not really a DSS problem. The DSS problem stems from the DH problem.
I don't think DSS should be expected to take on childcare duties but he should be expected to keep the home clean, tidy up after himself, do a fair share of chores etc. If he wants to game all night that's up to him really as long as he is not disturbing anyone but he still needs to contribute to the household by taking on some of the tasks.
DH is not doing his fair share by the sounds of it - he's a poor example to DSS. He also isn't parenting DSS probably by basically washing his hands off the whole thing and just taking himself off out to work and leaving you to deal with the baby and DSS making a mess.
You need to talk to DH and tell him that it's not on that HE, DH, doesn't do enough of the tasks and caring for the baby when he is at home and that secondly HE needs to deal with DSS and ensure that he also does his fair share and doesn't leave a mess for you to clean up. If DH thinks it's appropriate for DSS to game all night that's his parenting decision because it's not affecting anyone (assuming he's not making noise) BUT DSS needs to pull his socks up in other respects.

Heronwatcher · 18/08/2023 16:08

No your SS should not be the default babysitter if he’s not interested. I’m sure he will learn to love his brother in time but you won’t encourage this by forcing him into childcare.

That said I also think he’s old enough to look after himself so I would be saying to him and DH that from now on you sort yourself and the baby and they come to their own arrangements on food/ washing etc. if they want to live on takeaways and muesli and wear dirty clothes then so be it.

I also think that your DH needs to take the baby for a couple of hours in the morning and make you a sandwich before he leaves for work, and also 50% of the time at least at the weekends so you can batch cook for the next week/ sleep. Could it be that you are focussing on your SS because it’s easier than having a frank discussion with your DH?

Spirallingdownwards · 18/08/2023 16:15

This may sound harsh and I have tried to think how to phrase it but I expected you to say the baby was 4 weeks old but at 9 months I would have thought you would have a better routine by now for basics. It does sound as though your DH's unwillingness to participate in the household is the main issue rather than SS who is in full on post gcse teen mode. They do get better.

Happierwithouthim · 18/08/2023 16:17

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 16:05

Of all the things about this whole situation, your DSS not getting up in the morning while you were up with two young DC is the least thing to have been annoyed about. The problem was with his lack of contribution, him not being in either work or studying. And he could certainly have been doing one or both of those without being either up or present in the mornings. Plenty of jobs that don't require getting out of your pit before noon! You were complaining about the wrong thing.

Show quote history

Yes true, I felt dh was enabling him to do zilch with his life, while we were both working long hours, and I was witnessing it then while I was at mat leave

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 16:18

I don't think DSS should be expected to take on childcare duties but he should be expected to keep the home clean, tidy up after himself, do a fair share of chores etc. If he wants to game all night that's up to him really as long as he is not disturbing anyone but he still needs to contribute to the household by taking on some of the tasks.

Agree, the baby is a red herring really. DSS should be doing a share of household chores and tidying up his own mess, regardless of the presence of a baby whose existence he had no say in.

Bubop · 18/08/2023 16:24

Your SS should clear up after himself and have chores, but it shouldn’t matter when he does them.

He is in no way obliged to help you with your baby though… You and your DH chose to have a baby, he had no choice in whether he got a new sibling. If you’re struggling, it’s DH who needs to urgently step up.

SuperBurgers · 18/08/2023 16:27

Happierwithouthim · 18/08/2023 16:05

If his father had parented him and sided with me in encouraging him to get up and get out and active for the day instead of just moving to another sleeping position maybe he would've turned out differently, he's spent a lot of his life lost, his older siblings would have ambition and were in agreement with me that he needed to see life outside the walls of his bedroom.

Sure he didn't get up at 9am, he just interrupted his sleep for 5 mins to move location, you seem to have missed my point entirely and have the impression that I wanted to punish him and was a struggling mum of two Hmm

Show quote history

I said in one of my posts that it sounds like you were struggling, I have not continued to make a point of it so why you've latched onto that as an ongoing answer is a bit weird/defensive. You are also refusing to answer the question of whether you'd treat your own daughters that way.

"If his father had sided with me"... honestly lady, its the first time I've truly thought "well done dad" for sticking up for his kid. No dad should be made to side against his child in the first place.

TheGoodBanana · 18/08/2023 16:27

It sounds like you want your step son to pick up your husbands slack so yes YABU.

SS needs to clean up after himself, wash the pan, clean away left overs but the rest of the things you mention are your DH responsibility.

1037370E · 18/08/2023 16:32

DH needs to change his routine to reflect the fact that he has a young baby. He is self-employed, so can presumably set his own hours - choosing to work 9-5 hours as if he's in an office, clearly isn't working for you both. Your irritation seems to be misdirected. SS should do his bit around the house of course, tidy up after himself and do chores/housework - he shouldn't be making more work for you, but it isn't his job to fill in for your husband. His interaction with the baby is about what I would expect tbh, he isn't being unkind, he just doesn't sound very interested.