To expect SS to change his summer break routine for me?

[Londoner89]

SS has finished his GCSE’s and due to start A-Levels in three weeks.
Since the start of his holidays he has flipped his day and night around and will wake at 5pm to sit and game until 5am, when he will sleep again for 12 hours.
He is quiet and tidy for the most part,(apart from his 2am fish and chips he puts on, sometimes leaving the greasy pan and leftover food sitting out) but doesn’t help around the house at all.

I am really struggling with my 9 month old baby who is high needs and tbh most days can barely keep my head above water. The bathroom is dirty, washing piled up, things everywhere, surfaces unclean, often washing up and baby moaning non stop to the point where I want to hand him to someone and just walk away for a while. I don’t have five minutes to eat most days.

DH is self employed but leaves the house to focus on work and tries to have a routine as if he’s at an office. He usually comes home after DS is asleep. We have spoken about him giving me an hour every morning and being more helpful on weekends, washing up as we go and small ways to make the days more bearable.

I don’t think SS should be sleeping all day long while I am struggling and not helping around the house, first I was told his own mum was horrible and to give him special treatment, then that he had his GCSE exam preparations and exams, now I am told to give him this break as he will be back at college soon and this routine isn’t sustainable anyway. Next I know I will have 2 years of “well he’s studying for his A-Levels now”.

I feel so irritated and want to tell them both his routine has to change so that when he’s up and at home he can help with things like helping me get the buddy up the stairs, hoovering, mowing the lawn and watching his brother.
AIBU?

@Solonge

well he is making work for her isn’t he?! By leaving his filthy pans about from when he’s been cooking at night , and presumably he doesn’t wash his own clothes either

What an awful way to twist my words. You’re quite manipulatuve, Qbishy, aren’t you? I wouldn’t like to meet or work with you IRL. What do you achieve by twisting someone’s words and taking them out of context?
That is not what I said band you know it. I clearly listed a few things, one of them being his awareness of what’s going on around him, and satisfaction of helping someone when they’re struggling with a baby. But I mentioned many more things that you chose to ignore.

Oh - and teach them both to cook!!

If it were just that its an easy fix, Ive brought up kids and had several teens in the house at the same time. But Op appears to want SS to help with the baby, thats not reasonable. Give SS fair jobs to do but suggesting he has to keep to a sleep schedule that suits op isnt reasonable. He may well choose to sleep during the day to avoid having too much contact with the baby.

It's not his job to help raise your child, if your husband is lacking, blame him, don't take it out your step son.
Also, please don't take the person above me advice, your husband is an adult, he can teach himself to cook, and then teach his son.

Your SS absolutely should have some chores. All this nonsense about can't possibly take ten minutes to push round a hoover or load a dishwasher because of exams etc, is precisely the attitude that leads to men like his dad thinking they can't 'help' with housework because of their jobs. (Your husband needs chores too but that should go without saying)

I wouldn’t expect him to show any interest with baby sibling, so I don’t think you can expect him to be a second pair of hands while your DH sits in his office drinking coffee and dictating his own hours. However, I don’t tolerate the nocturnal teen thing. I’m not having kids prowling around making food and pissing about on a screen in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep.

He’s had a nice relax. Now he needs to get back into a normal human family regime before school starts. It will take him a few weeks to acclimatise back so start now.

I would never allow my kids to go completely feral like this. Late mornings and nights yes, but this is ridiculous. He’s opting out of normal life completely.

You chose to have a baby with a man who has a teenage son. The teenage son is behaving like millions of others - he's treating your (his father's) house like a home. There is no earthly reason why he'd be interested in a baby. He didn't choose to have a baby half-sibling, so there's no reason why he should engage with the baby or pick up the domestic slack caused by you adding a baby to the mix.

The problem here is your husband, not your step son.

Yabu to expect him to look after a child. He didn't choose to have the baby. However WiFi goes off at 9-10pm and on again at 7-8am. He tidies up after himself. Your DH needs to step up re jobs. He choose with you to have a baby. Money for mowing the lawn to ss might help. You say your ds has high needs to take it he has a disability so make sure you claim everything you can to help you. It will get better but your DH needs to step up. X

SS is not part of parenting. That is down to DH - However my oldest DS (15) does watch the youngest (4) three times a week for one hour so I can do a gym class. He is happy enough to do so and given I pay for his football subs, season ticket it's the least he can do to help me out.

I expect my DS as a minimum to
Hoover and polish his room
Open windows up there to air room
Make his own bed and strip it once a week for washing
Clothes in laundry basket
Any rubbish or plates be brought down morning and night. If he eats/prepares food he clears up after himself and wipes worktops down
All of his washing is put away neatly
Empties kitchen bin if he is the one to fill it to the top
Rinses bath etc and gives it a spray if he has used it

Just out of courtesy.

Throughout the Summer DS has a new sleep pattern which is whatever he decides suits the day and whichever friends are online that night. I do implement an off and sleeping by 2am and out of bed by 12 noon ish rule generally but given I'm either out with youngest or working he sees to himself.

He's a good kid and in term time keeps himself right so during holidays does this.

I’m leaning towards -Unreasonable because:

your baby and the knock on effect that has on your ability to do other things around the house is not SS responsibility. Plus he’s a kid himself, but not too young to help with basic chores and clean up after himself. His routine in this respect is irrelevant he could wash up at 3am no problem.

but / not unreasonable beacuse:

I have a 10month old and it sooo hard! You can’t do it all and something has to give here

lastly DH is the massive AH here - he needs to pull his weight and support you… why are you looking after 3 children (your baby, SS and DH) maybe just look after you and baby and drop the rest of the work!

No way would my teen be nocturnal. Your DH needs to step up and be a parent.
But TBH I doubt any 16 year old boy will have much interest in a 9 month old, so I wouldn't be too worried that he's not taking an interest in his half-brother - they are essentially like two only children with that age gap (assuming you don't have any others)

If SS is generally tidy and quiet not disturbing you at night then personally I don’t think he is being unreasonable. It’s not his fault you have a baby and are feeling overwhelmed. He sounds like a good kid, so if it was me I think I would just ask him to do a couple of chores to contribute to the house but let him get in with them at whatever time he likes. Taking the bins out, unload the dishwasher etc. A small contribution won’t hurt but it’s not fair to expect him to be helping all day with the baby and housework.
I would suggest getting your baby in a sling so you have your hands free to get on with stuff at home, and as the others have said get DH to do more when he’s home and take baby so you have a bit of a break.

SS could be given a couple of weekly household chores, eg lawn mowed, hoovering, bins out etc. the stuff that would be a fair contribution if there were no baby. It’s unreasonable to expect him to have a strong bond with, and take responsibility for your baby.
it sounds like your DH is the one who needs to step up with the Co-parenting when he’s in the home.

Wow, easy! The MN keyboard warriors are ruthless. I only put my situation out there to see if I am being too harsh in my expectations, quite the opposite of an evil step mum rolls eyes.

I spent five years making SS home
cooked food and cakes and bringing snacks on a tray to him, giving him
my undivided attention like he was my own son. taking him to the dentist, films, chess, homework help, basketball in the park, happily making sure fresh clothes and bedding, you name it. Making the assumption I’m an evil step mum because I am saying I wish he was awake to help clean the house that he lives in a bit (now that he is old enough to go out alone late at night and have a girlfriend) or watch his brother while I pee without having a baby on my lap at the same time is hardly nasty of me.

I do not expect SS to watch the baby like a parent would! I meant watch him while I cook dinner- dinner that SS would be eating too??

Watch him while I take a pee without a baby on my lap at the same time.

watch him while I make sure I’ve packed everything I need for both baby and myself before heading out for the day

You know those short 5-10 minute windows we need to rush around and get 20 things done.

YANBU.

And not because you have a very dependent baby. But because a young person living in a house should take an appropriate level of responsibility for the care cleanliness etc of the house.

His father needs to give him a schedule of household tasks that your SS is responsible for, as part of sharing the living space. Could he, for example, be responsible for cleaning the bathroom once a week? or daily emptying of the dishwasher?

It's unacceptable for him to leave dirty pots & pans after he's cooked & eaten. THat's a basic.

I didn’t say he should be around all day to help me, if he is out then that’s great. Butttttt…since he is asleep downstairs after choosing to game all night, this is where my feelings came from.

He is 16, he doesn’t want to come out with me, understandably! However he has had five years of being like my little bestie that I doted on from 11-15 so I think now expecting a little tidying around the house isn’t too much to ask!

I would like you to tell me if you’re a step mum to a teenage boy?

I have noticed two camps here- those in the same position who offer balanced replies and those who clearly haven’t walked in
these shoes who are the Mother Theresa’s
of Mum’S Net 😂😂

Don’t teenagers generally have to do a few jobs in their home when they are living with both their parents, so why not with one parent and one step parent?
Our teenagers certainly do jobs!

@Londoner89

according to some on here OP things like going for a pee when you have a baby is self indulgent and not necessary. If it doesn’t solely benefit the kids you shouldn’t be doing it! So asking your SS to help out with this sometimes is a big no no! Leave him to his sleep and gaming!

Realistically most of us would put the baby somewhere safe whilst we pee, make dinner etc. a cot, or a play pen, their buggy etc. I know they may cry and that's hard but you have to be able to put them down sometimes

But I also think it's perfectly acceptable and normal to ask your SS to do a few jobs. Mine could do their laundry and make a meal for the family and I would sometimes ask them to hoover or mow.

Baby sitting was a rare request, and would normally be coupled with a take away and lots of thanks

Most teenage boys aren't going to express a lot of interest in a baby I'm afraid, it's not entertaining for them. I can hear that's disappointing for you, but not unusual. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or the baby. He's just a teenager

I think you sound lonely and under supported by your DH. I hope you're ok

I think nocturnal teenagers is quite usual. He may need some help towards the end of the holidays to retrain himself up more normal hours. Perhaps you can work together to plan a schedule

In the nicest way - isn't that what playpens are for? So you can leave the baby somewhere safe while you get on with things around the house?

I would expect a teenager to be doing basic household chores as standard, but I wouldn't expect them to be available to supervise their baby sibling multiple times a day.

I do think there's a difference.

I’m not sure whether it’s the clinginess that comes with his age or not but when I said he was high needs, I didn’t mean special needs, I meant that he wants constant attention and has been quite teary since birth. Just putting him in his high chair results in a meltdown. Playpen is a no, especially since he started crawling and feels very confined to it. He wants to be crawling and pulling himself up which means watching out for plugs, small things he could ingest, the cats etc. I’ve tried making the playpen fun, singing and dancing around like a clown while I cook but unfortunately, at least during this development leap, he won’t entertain himself